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wheredreamslast2013-09-21 05:10 pm
darkyulate) wrote in wheredreamslast2013-09-21 05:10 pm
Entry tags:
between mixing coffee and cream 2/2 [oneshot]
one
The acceptance letter from the university is staring right back at Kyungsoo. She still can’t quite believe her application for a scholarship had been granted and now she is one step closer to making her dreams come true. But she’s not as happy as she thought she’d be.
She plops herself on her bed, dropping the letter to the floor and stares up at her ceiling as if it holds the answers to the questions she’s not sure she’s asking.
She takes a deep breath and breathes it out slowly, images coming to form in her mind. Her family chattering with her, Lu Han and her family telling stories, Lu Han smiling and laughing, Lu Han helping her when she cried, Lu Han protecting her, the people at the cafe, Joonmyun’s brown eyes, Joonmyun’s soft kiss on her forehead and the smell of black coffee with a hint of cinnamon on his breath.
“Am I ready to leave them all behind?” She whispers and closes her eyes, trying to imagine a life in Paris where she’s all alone, studying her best to become a barista. She remembers the almost promise she’d made with Joonmyun about working for him and this somehow strengthens her resolve to go, even if just a little.
“But I haven’t even told him I love him yet,” she thinks aloud. She sighs wondering if it is even worth it to get her heart broken before she leaves. She knows Joonmyun wouldn’t accept, she’s not nearly as beautiful or experienced as all the other girls he goes out with. She tosses and turns in her bed and thinks about the pros and cons of confessing.
“I don’t have much to lose.” It’s true, if she confesses and gets her heart broken, she can always just move on in Paris, find someone or maybe lose herself in her schooling.
She closes her eyes and thinks about it for a minute or two before sighing and calling her best friend. If she was going to do this, she needs moral support from the person who will probably murder her for her plans.
Kyungsoo is thankful for Lu Han’s existence—despite her heavy disapproval she has enabled Kyungsoo to meet Joonmyun.
“So what did you want to talk about?” Joonmyun begins with a flirtatious smile that makes Kyungsoo’s heart skip a beat.
Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, knowing she’s practiced her words enough to make it not sound like an idiot of a statement, “I want to be your girlfriend for a day.”
Joonmyun quirks his brow and Kyungsoo explains.
“I just, I want to spend one whole day with you, I want you to treat me how you treat all your girlfriends. I want to be yours for one day and at the same time, I want you to be mine.” She keeps her head down, trying to avoid his eyes despite her outrageous request.
Joonmyun lifts her chin up and whispers, “Look at me.” Her breath catches in her throat as their eyes meet.
“What makes you think I’ll agree?” He smirks at her, fingers grazing the skin of her face slightly.
“Because you’re a gentleman and you would do anything to please a woman.”
Her straightforwardness catches him off guard but he chuckles and nods, “That’s true.”
There’s a moment of silence that passes between them before he’s nodding, “Okay, I’ll do it.”
Kyungsoo fights the urge to smile so widely but thanks Joonmyun sincerely. She’s grateful Joonmyun doesn’t ask her why. She doesn’t plan on telling Joonmyun she’s leaving.
“I’ll see you in front of Bittersweet Cravings at 10am, two weeks from now. Don’t be late.” She leaves, not waiting for Joonmyun to reply, afraid he’ll ask more probing questions.
As she walks her way back to her home, she bites her bottom lip and tries not to cry at the thought of what this could do to her.
As Kyungsoo expected, Joonmyun is right on time.
“Joonmyun,” she breathes out not quite really believing to see him there but thankful nonetheless.
“Since I’m going to treat you like my girlfriend, that means we’re going to do everything I’ve planned out for the day.” Joonmyun’s smile is a mix between sexy and inviting and Kyungsoo can only nod trying not to sigh.
“That’s perfectly fine but I have a favor.” Joonmyun nods as if to tell her to keep going. “I wanted to go to this place around 5:30. Is that ok?”
Joonmyun thinks about it for a moment before leaning down a little to whisper in her ears, tucking a lock of her hair in the process, “Of course.” Joonmyun slides his hand down her arm before lacing their fingers together.
“Anything for you.”
Joonmyun takes her out to eat at an expensive restaurant, compliments her on the clothes she’s wearing, he smiles at her a little more sweetly and whispers in her ear sweet words she thought she’d only hear in her dreams. She pushes the thought of this all being fake to the back of her mind. Today she will pretend that everything is real. Today, Joonmyun loves her.
“How about I take you shopping?” Joonmyun offers as they finish eating. Kyungsoo splutters.
“No, you don’t have to,” She declines but Joonmyun will have none of it.
“I’m your boyfriend and I want to pamper you,” He says coolly giving her that smile that makes her stomach churn.
She bites her lip and relents, “Alright.”
They stop by all kinds of expensive brand name stores, Joonmyun buys her everything that looks good on her. He buys her simple casual clothes to more stylish party ensembles. Kyungsoo denies him at first but by the third shop, she realizes she can’t fight him and she rather likes being pampered. She likes the way Joonmyun looks her up and down and smiles at her like he loves the sight of her trying on clothes for him.
They’re sitting on one of the plush couches waiting for a pair of shoes Joonmyun requested for Kyungsoo’s size.
“Are you having fun?” Joonmyun asks caressing her cheek.
“Yes, thank you very much,” She whispers a little breathless.
“The shoes you requested, sir?” One of the male attendants asks and Joonmyun grabs the box before the attendant can set it down. Joonmyun gets off the couch and settles in front of Kyungsoo.
“Give me your foot, Kyungsoo.” Kyungsoo blushes as she lifts her right foot up into Joonmyun’s palms.
Joonmyun carefully slips the peep toe nude pumps on her foot. It’s the perfect size she notes and can’t fight the red that settles on her face as Joonmyun slips the other shoe to her other feet. It feels almost like she really is Cinderella. Joonmyun takes her hand to help her stand up and admire the way the shoe lengthens her legs.
“You know what would go with these shoes?” He whispers as they look at their reflection from the mirror. Joonmyun is behind her, his hands on her shoulders and his lips so close to her ear. “That dress over there.”
Kyungsoo’s eyes catch on the pale colored dress sprinkled with hearts and a black ribbon belt. Joonmyun motions for an attendant to get Kyungsoo’s size, which he’s memorized by now with all the shopping they’ve done.
When Kyungsoo walks out of the fitting room, she watches for Joonmyun’s reaction. Her heart skips a beat when Joonmyun merely looks at her, mouth open just the slightest bit but there’s something in his eyes that tells her he more than just appreciates the way she looks.
“We’re taking the dress and the shoes.” He stands up and heads over to her. When he’s close enough he places a simple black ribbon headband on her hair, “Wear these for the rest of the day.”
When she looks up into his eyes to reply, the words die down in her throat. There’s something more in those eyes and she can’t quite agree or disagree to his statement. She settles for a nod which makes him smile.
It’s almost 5 when they finish and Kyungsoo anxiously reminds Joonmyun of her request. And Joonmyun, playing the perfect role of perfect boyfriend allows himself to be pulled to wherever it is Kyungsoo wants for them to go. Kyungsoo directs him to a place not far from where he lives. The sun is close to setting when they stop by a tall building.
Kyungsoo excitedly pulls Joonmyun to the elevator telling him to hurry up.
Joonmyun laughs as he asks, “What’s all this about?”
“You’ll see,” Kyungsoo replies as they wait for the elevator to bring them to the topmost floor.
When they land on their floor, Kyungsoo holds onto Joonmyun’s hand and leads him to the rooftop. “I used to go here all the time when I got frustrated about not getting any of my coffee mixes right or when something went wrong with some of my pastries. This is where I took my baking lessons. The ahjumma who taught me allows me to go here from time to time even though I don’t take her classes anymore.”
When she opens the door, there is the perfect view of the sun setting. They both take a moment to admire it’s beauty before Kyungsoo leads him to sit down on the ready blanket. On the blanket is an open basket.
“I had her bring up some of the cakes I baked beforehand. There’s some drinks there.” Kyungsoo takes out the two slices of cake and Joonmyun pulls out some juice. “I didn’t have enough time to mix coffee but I hope you like the cake.”
Kyungsoo checks her watch periodically as she eats the cake and she knows Joonmyun notices. “What’s wrong?”
Kyungsoo sighs and looks at her watch. It’s almost time. “I wanted you to see something.” She sets her plate down and stands up, asking for Joonmyun’s hand at the same time. She checks her watch again as Joonmyun straightens his posture. It’s time. “Look, Joonmyun.”
She watches Joonmyun look straight as the sun sets, illuminating the buildings and billboards and that’s when they see it.
사랑해 준면 is printed out in the view in big bold letters from the billboards. Some of their usual words missing because of the light the sun illuminates.
“I have been for a while now,” Kyungsoo whispers as they watch the sun continue to set and the words reappear on the billboard.
Joonmyun turns to her and she does her best to smile sincerely. Joonmyun returns the smile, a little kinder and softer, an apology written on it. “I know.”
Kyungsoo pretends it doesn’t break her heart when he replies. She takes a deep breath. “I just wanted you to know.”
“Thank you,” Joonmyun whispers and Kyungsoo has to remind herself that she has to be alright with the way things are going, that she doesn’t mind because she expected it all along.
“Can I kiss you?” Joonmyun whispers and he leans in so close that it makes Kyungsoo a little dizzy.
“Yes, you can do anything you want with me.”
Joonmyun captures her lips in a soft kiss. His lips are softer than she expected and tastes of chocolate and cream from the cake. It’s the perfect first kiss. When Joonmyun pulls away, he’s dragging her back to the elevator.
“Where are we going?” She asks panting for air as the elevator doors close. Joonmyun looks at her with his eyes glazed over.
“I’m taking you back to my house.”
Kyungsoo’s mouth goes dry.
Kyungsoo barely registers the ride back to Joonmyun’s mansion because Joonmyun wouldn’t stop whispering in her ears what he would do to her once they stepped foot in the privacy of his room. By the time they get off the car, Joonmyun is tugging her to what she can assume is his room.
When Joonmyun kisses her again, it’s rougher and more passionate. There’s a fire that settles in her stomach as he pulls her close to his body, feeling the warmth emanate from him. When Joonmyun’s tongue licks at her bottom lip, she can’t help but gasp at the action and then his tongue is exploring the contours of her mouth.
It’s clear that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Joonmyun seems to understand this and so he guides her with his hands as he lays her down his bed.
“I promise to be gentle,” He whispers on her lips before capturing them in a searing kiss once again, unbuttoning his polo.
Kyungsoo moans and gasps as Joonmyun places kisses along her jawline and her neck and when Joonmyun is topless she can’t help but run her hands up and down his toned torso. Joonmyun smirks down at her before telling her to sit up so he can unzip her dress.
Joonmyun takes great care in undressing Kyungsoo, letting the dress fall to expose clear smooth skin and Kyungsoo tries to cover herself with her arms but Joonmyun moves them away.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispers as he kisses her collarbones, sucking a mark as he takes off her bra. “And I want you.”
She bites her lips and gathers all of her courage to unbutton his pants.
Kyungsoo registers that Joonmyun is skilled with both of his hands and his mouth because in no time they are both naked, skin flushed against skin. When she meets Joonmyun’s eyes, there’s a certain warmth to it that she hopes isn’t all pretend. He palms her cheek and kisses her forehead.
The first thrust is painful but she bites her lip so she doesn’t cry out. The second is almost as painful but Joonmyun keeps his promise at being gentle. He kisses her and whispers sweet nothings in her ear. She wonders for the briefest of moments if he means those words, if this means anything, before getting lost in the rhythm of his thrusting as it slowly builds into pleasure.
Before long, Joonmyun has her crying out in pleasure, moaning his name, asking for more and Joonmyun is more than willing to please. And with the blinding pleasure, Kyungsoo throws all her insecurities away, throws all doubts and second thoughts and lives in the now.
A small regretful smile settles on Kyungsoo’s lips. She traces the outline of Joonmyun’s beautiful sleeping face. She kisses his forehead softly, then his nose and then his lips, making sure to linger just a little bit longer than necessary.
“Thank you for everything, Joonmyun.” Her lips brushing against his lightly. “Goodbye.”
❅ ❅ ❅
Life in Paris isn’t what Kyungsoo expects it to be but she wouldn’t have it any other way. She buries herself in school work and school activities, making friends with different people from all walks of life. She never tells them about the boy back in Korea who stole her heart, doesn’t tell them about how he may still have it.
Lu Han updates her about life in Korea, tells her of all the things she’s missing, the details of Lu Han’s love life and how her relationship with Jongin has progressed. She never talks about Joonmyun and Kyungsoo wouldn’t have it any other way.
Kyungsoo meets Chanyeol on her third year in university.
He’s everything Joonmyun isn’t. He’s tall and smiles a lot. He’s funny and talkative and he’s handsome. He’s Korean and reminds Kyungsoo of home in Paris. He takes the same course, but they’ve only met now because for the first time they have the same classes.
It takes one week of talking and exchanging pleasantries for Chanyeol to ask her out. By the time a month has passed, Kyungsoo finds herself in a relationship. The first thing she does is take a picture with him and tell Lu Han about her boyfriend.
It’s been a year since she’s started dating Chanyeol and she knows he’s expecting them to progress in their relationship, mainly she knows Chanyeol wants to have sex with her. But the thing is, she isn’t quite ready yet. She tells herself this even though she knows she willingly gave her first time to Joonmyun, so so willingly.
“That was different,” she whispers to herself, so softly she has to wonder if she had said anything at all. She repeats these words until it comes true, until it makes sense and it becomes a perfect excuse. (But it isn’t.)
Lying down on her bed, she wonders what’s wrong, why can’t she do it. She knows she loves Chanyeol. Chanyeol is sweet, holds her hand when they’re walking, kisses her good morning and goodnight, is the first to apologize when they fight even if he’s not at fault. Chanyeol is the perfect boyfriend. He is more than she can ask for, but she doesn’t understand why she can’t just willingly give herself to him.
Chanyeol is everything Joonmyun isn’t, he will never hurt her. He won’t hurt her like how Joonmyun did. He loves her, he looks at her with a softness in his eyes that she’s never seen in Joonmyun’s eyes. He holds her in his arms until she stops crying from her problems and tells her everything will be fine. Chanyeol is here, Joonmyun isn’t.
Joonmyun is her past. Chanyeol is her present, her future.
She takes a deep breath.
“Tonight,” she tells herself, “We’ll do it tonight.”
Before Chanyeol can kiss her goodbye that night, she holds onto the sleeve of his jacket, “Do you want to stay the night?” She doesn’t meet his eyes, can’t do it. But he lifts her chin up so he can look into them anyways and there’s that soft smile on his face that is only there when he looks at her, when he looks at her with love in his eyes and she feels something like guilt stab at her heart. She doesn’t know why.
“I do,” Chanyeol whispers, lacing his fingers with hers and he’s the one that leads her back to her apartment.
Chanyeol kisses her slowly and lovingly as he strips his jacket off and pulling Kyungsoo closer to deepen the kiss. They separate for the briefest of seconds so Kyungsoo can do away with her own jacket and so she can take a breath. It occurs to her that is the most intimate kiss they’ve ever shared.
It doesn’t take long before Chanyeol is capturing her lips in a kiss once more. They help each other undress while Chanyeol places kisses on any exposed skin he can reach. Kyungsoo moans at the sensation.
When they land on her bed, skin against skin, she can’t hide the fear in her eyes as Chanyeol looks into hers.
“What’s wrong?” Chanyeol whispers right by her ear, placing a soft kiss on the skin behind it.
“I —” the words die in her throat, she can’t say it. She wants to but she’s afraid of the consequences.
Chanyeol lifts himself up to stare into her eyes, watches how the light falls on her pale skin. “You can tell me, Kyungsoo. It’s okay.” He brushes a few strands of her hair away from her face.
She swallows her own saliva, “I can’t do this,” She whispers avoiding Chanyeol’s eyes once more, “I’m so sorry.”
She gently pushes Chanyeol off of her but Chanyeol roughly gets up and grabs at his pants on the floor. Kyungsoo flinches at the action. She knows she’s offended him. She covers herself with her blanket as Chanyeol continues to dress angrily.
“You know what, Kyungsoo?” Kyungsoo winces at his tone but looks up to him anyways. There are tears threatening to fall from his eyes. The guilt that settles into her stomach is prominent as he stands up before her, hair askew, his pants half undone and his shirt still in his hands. “I love you so much,” he whispers voice slightly broken, “but you can’t love me. I don’t know why but I can see it in your eyes and I thought maybe finally this time you were ready to open your heart to me but no,” he wipes his tears harshly, “you still can’t.”
Chanyeol finishes putting on his shirt and grabs his things. “I think we should break up,” he says back facing Kyungsoo before he closes the door on her, on them.
Kyungsoo cries as she dresses herself again and doesn’t stop crying until she falls asleep.
Kyungsoo wipes the tears on her face, sniffling so she can breathe again. Her life feels like an absolute wreck at the moment and she wishes she could have a do over, go back to a time when things were simpler, when all she ever dreamed of was a scholarship in France, when love wasn't in the equation.
She pushes her hair back, trying to keep them out of her tear-streaked face. She grabs the tissue box and blows her nose before burying her head in her arms and crying again. She hates being weak but she can’t help crying anyways. She can’t help feeling like she’s been trying to act strong when really all she was doing was lie to herself.
When she's calmed down enough to think properly, she gets off her desk and grabs her phone. She wipes anymore stray tears and takes a few deep breaths. She opens a new message to Chanyeol and types in I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
There really is nothing more she can say, there is no one to blame but herself and maybe the person whose love she's still wishing for. But it's not his fault because Kyungsoo knew Joonmyun and the type of person he was. It was Kyungsoo who became selfish and wished for something she’d known that was impossible.
It takes a week for Chanyeol to reply to her text message, albeit a sorry excuse for an apology.
Let’s meet at the school fountain after your class tomorrow. is all it says.
Chanyeol is already there when Kyungsoo arrives. He’s sitting on one of the benches shaded by a tree and overlooking the fountain. Kyungsoo takes a tentative seat beside him.
“You know when you first told me you loved me I never believed you?” He asks but it’s one of those statements that Kyungsoo knows she doesn’t need to reply to. “Even then I was happy because for a moment I believed that in the end those words would come true.”
Chanyeol takes a deep breath and continues to look out to the fountain in front of them. Kyungsoo sets her gaze at her hands on her lap. “I’m guessing you thought everything was fine. I can’t blame you for that. But you should know our relationship wasn’t perfect.” Chanyeol sighs and rests his arms on his thighs.
“There were days when you looked at me and didn’t really see me. It was like you were expecting someone else. Sometimes when I held your hand or kissed you and you didn’t return it with the same fervor, I wondered if there was someone else.” Kyungsoo opens her mouth to protest but Chanyeol beats her to it. “I know there was never someone else but sometimes when you couldn’t look at me with the same amount of affection I gave you, I wondered what was wrong. It wasn’t until your best friend told me that I understood what was happening.”
Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at Chanyeol’s confession. “Your friend, Lu Han, was afraid that I would hurt you so she told me about how you got hurt before you left. How someone broke your heart in Korea and that I should take care of you. It was a pretty interesting email. I never bothered to tell you because if I did, my greatest fears would have been confirmed. You’re still in love with the asshole who broke your heart, aren’t you Kyungsoo?”
Chanyeol looks at her then, his eyes are tired and red and a little swollen. There are dark circles under them, and she almost reaches out to caress his cheek. She swallows knowing she isn’t in the position where she’s allowed to care. It’s her fault after all.
“You haven’t moved on have you?” He asks, voice much softer, more broken and Kyungsoo looks away because she’s not sure how to answer that. Chanyeol just sighs at Kyungsoo’s silence.
“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo replies after a while.
Chanyeol tilts her head up and Kyungsoo is shocked to see a soft sad smile on his face. “Don’t lie to yourself, Kyungsoo. You’re only hurting yourself.” He gathers her in his arms. “I forgive you,” he whispers. “You probably don’t deserve it, but because I still love you, I can’t help but forgive you.”
Kyungsoo can’t help but tear up at those words.
“This time though, don’t hurt anyone. Don’t use other people to move on, Kyungsoo,” he whispers as Kyungsoo slowly cries. “If he’s the one that makes you happy, then chase after him.”
Kyungsoo cries even harder than she did the past days and Chanyeol holds her tighter one last time. When she no longer has any tears left, Chanyeol kisses her forehead and whispers, “When you go back to Korea, remember there is a Park Chanyeol who will always love you in Paris. Be happy, Kyungsoo.”
❅ ❅ ❅
The first thing Kyungsoo does when she comes home from her graduation is check her mail. She isn’t at all surprised when she sees who it’s from and the content of the mail. A smile decorates her face at the sight.
Lu Han Updates - I’m getting married!!! 12:54PM
Kyungsoo reads the email thoroughly and smiles because she’s genuinely happy for her best friend. She bites her lip however at the last sentence of the mail.
I know it’s your graduation today, so please come home as soon as possible. I need my Maid of Honor by my side at all times. Please?
She can almost picture her best friend begging with her hands held tightly together. She knew she had to go back, she just wasn’t sure if she was ready yet. Lu Han is going to marry Jongin, the chances of her running into Joonmyun were more than likely. She didn’t know if she was going to be alright with that.
Even so, as soon as she finishes reading the mail, she books the earliest flight back to Korea.
Lu Han and Jongin take care of her accommodations. They had convinced her to stay over at their mansion and wouldn’t take no for an answer. A rather heavy sigh escapes her lips as the driver the couple had assigned to pick her up begins their journey to the couple’s new home.
It wasn’t the fact that she was staying over at the couple’s mansion that made the arrangement rather uncomfortable but the thought that she’d be seeing Joonmyun rather frequently. She didn’t know if she was ready for that kind of confrontation. She wasn’t sure if there was even going to be one. She leans her head on the window of the car as she tries to think calmly and readies herself for whatever the outcome her stay over will greet her.
It doesn’t take long for them to reach the mansion. She expects something much bigger than Joonmyun’s mansion but is surprised to find it significantly smaller. The driver drops her off the front door where the familiar figure of her best friend greets her. She has barely stepped out of the car when Lu Han comes barreling towards her to envelop her in a tight embrace.
Kyungsoo laughs as she admires the taller girl and how much she has changed over the course of four years.
“You’re still as beautiful as ever,” she comments. Lu Han only laughs and twirls Kyungsoo’s now wavy locks.
“Look at you!” She says excitedly, “You curled your hair!”
“You sound like I didn’t take a picture and send it to you,” She replies as Lu Han leads her inside the mansion. Lu Han calls for a maid to get Kyungsoo’s things up to her room and leads her to the mansion’s living room.
“The boys are visiting and they’re actually excited to see you again,” Lu Han comments with a smile but Kyungsoo can’t help but freeze up at her statement. A hand reaches up to tug on Lu Han’s arm and stops her from walking.
“Lu Han, I—” she finds she can’t say but Lu Han gives her a sympathetic smile, giving Kyungsoo a comforting squeeze on her arm.
“Don’t worry, Joonmyun is out of the country for the week. He won’t be coming back until the day before the wedding.”
The breath of relief she releases makes Lu Han giggle but Kyungsoo feels like the weight of the world has stopped resting on her shoulders that she lets her best friend laugh at her anyways.
In the living room, she is greeted by the sight of F4 without Joonmyun. They look oddly incomplete even though when she used to be around them, they were mostly in threes. They all greet her warmly, Jongin even going as far as kissing her on the cheek. She rather expects Jongdae’s hug because he’d always been touchy, but Sehun’s warm smile and warm greeting surprises her most—he was the one she barely interacted with.
They talk about mostly her, catching up with her life and scrunching four years worth of stories they’d never heard into a three or so hours. Lu Han and Jongin occasionally remind her details she left out and Kyungsoo is entertained by how in sync the couple have become.
The duo stay until dinner and the talk moves from Kyungsoo’s life to the life of everyone in the table. She doesn’t notice—not until she’s lying in her bed for the night—that the conversation never, not even once, revolved around Joonmyun.
Kyungsoo gets whisked away on wedding preparations and practices that she barely has any time to emotionally and mentally prepare for Joonmyun’s arrival.
So it surprises her when she sees him at the last wedding rehearsal, looking pristine and handsome as ever. She hasn’t seen or heard much of him in the past four years, avoiding all major news that may come out about him. She swallows the lump in her throat and forces her eyes to stray away from the sight of him as she walks towards Sehun.
“Hey,” Sehun greets her, “you ready?” Kyungsoo only manages a nod before Sehun offers his arm and they go to their line.
She sends a small prayer of thanks that Sehun is the best man and not Joonmyun because then she doesn’t get partnered with Joonmyun. She tries to ignore the sudden wave of nostalgia she gets from having Sehun’s rather toned arm in her hand. It reminds her so much of personalized frappuccinos in a small cafe.
“Are you alright?” Sehun whispers as they take short strides towards the altar and Kyungsoo smiles at the concern because she hadn’t expected Sehun to be so nice. She nods and Sehun leaves her to her thoughts once more as they separate to go to the bride and groom’s side.
All throughout the wedding rehearsal, she avoids meeting Joonmyun’s eyes or even just a glimpse of him. She focuses instead on the profile of her best friend and silently prays that no one calls her out on her rather stiff posture.
To her luck, no one does, but Lu Han notices and she’s sure others, too. Jongdae pats her on the back and Sehun squeezes her hand as he continues his job of being an escort. She’s almost thankful at their silent comfort and ignores the feeling of eyes on her, thinking it’s all in her mind and that there is no way Joonmyun would be looking at her.
The wedding happens in a blur and Kyungsoo loses herself in the excitement of her best friend tying the knot. She nearly squeals as Jongin carefully takes the veil off Lu Han and kisses her chastely but sweetly. She wonders when her time will come, if it will come at all.
She’s dancing with Sehun, surprised that the older even asked her to dance, when he clears his throat and begins to talk in a soft voice.
“I think you should talk to Joonmyun,” He says pulling her close so he’s nearly whispering in her ears. She wants to reply, to protest, but Sehun continues talking.
“There are some things you need to know that only he can tell you.” Kyungsoo’s heart skips a beat at that and she isn’t sure what Sehun means because there is nothing more to be said between her and Joonmyun.
“I don’t know what you mean.” She manages to whisper but Sehun only pulls back and smiles at her. Before she knows it she is being lead right in front of Joonmyun who is scowling at them.
“What are you doing?” She whispers harshly as Sehun pulls away from his hold on her.
“Giving you the push you need.”
Sehun is gone when she looks up and is greeted by Joonmyun’s scary scowl before it softens into a frown. He sighs before giving her a pained smile, “Do you want to dance?” Offering her his hand in the process and Kyungsoo gulps and places her palm softly on Joonmyun’s.
Joonmyun pulls her close that their chests touch and his breath is warm on her ears and she can’t help but feel like this is perfect, that the way they stand so closely to each other is meant to be. She notes that Joonmyun smells much more like coffee, bitter with a hint of cinnamon and it brings her back to those moments she hasn’t relived in a long time.
“It’s nice to see you again,” Joonmyun says so softly she almost misses it and she can’t fight the blush that makes its way to her cheeks.
“It’s nice seeing you, too,” even though that isn’t how she feels. Joonmyun chuckles, like he knows she’s lying.
“You’ve grown much more beautiful in the past four years,” He takes a deep breath like he’s been wanting to say those words to her, “You’ve curled your hair. It suits you.”
Kyungsoo is glad that she has her head tucked in the junction where Joonmyun’s neck and shoulder meet because she’s pretty sure her face is as red as a tomato. She takes a few deep breaths before muttering a soft thanks and utters a compliment in return which she means.
They finish the slow song with no more talk and Kyungsoo is ready to push Joonmyun away because she’s not expecting for Joonmyun to want to dance with her anymore after it.
“Can we talk?” He whispers pulling back to look at her, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ears and then twirling the strands on his index finger and pulling softly so the waves fall back on her shoulder. It takes her breath away, reminding her of Christmas dates. And it’s enough to give him an affirmative nod. She bites her lip as Joonmyun takes her hands off his shoulders and holds one of them in his and leads her to one of the empty balconies.
Joonmyun doesn’t release her hand when they reach the railings of the balcony and instead watches as he slowly laces their fingers together. A soft smile graces his lips as he looks at their intertwined hands and Kyungsoo flushes at the sight.
“What are you doing?” She manages to squeak out and the smile that Joonmyun throws her way is almost heartbreakingly sad.
“I love you,” Joonmyun says so softly that she thinks she imagines it. She splutters as Joonmyun pulls her closer. “I love you,” he repeats, “I never got to tell you when you left.”
Kyungsoo can’t reply, all the words are leaving her because Joonmyun is confessing to her with that small sad smile like he expects her to have moved on in those four years.
“I was hoping I could tell you when we stopped pretending but when I woke up you weren’t there.” He turns away, still not releasing her hand and leans on the railing. “I wanted to go after you so badly, but Lu Han refused to tell me where you went. It wasn’t until you got a boyfriend that she did, that she started sharing information about you.” He chuckles at that. “I never really told anyone about my feelings towards you and I guess she thought it would be okay to let me in on everything because you were finally moving on.”
“When you broke up with your boyfriend I was this close to booking a flight to Paris,” he gestures with his fingers, and looks at her to see if she’s still listening. Kyungsoo nods and Joonmyun goes on. “But my father wasn’t happy to find his only heir chasing after some woman. And I’ve been in the States trying to convince him that Do Kyungsoo is the only woman for me.”
Kyungsoo softly gasps as Joonmyun straightens his posture and bends down on one knee.
“I’m not going to take no for an answer. You have no idea what kind of hell I went through just to get my father’s approval.” He clears his throat and with one hand takes out a black velvety box. “So, Miss Do Kyungsoo, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
There’s a moment of silence as Kyungsoo tries to gather her wits and process everything that’s going on right at this very minute. She barely manages to choke out, “Yes,” and then Joonmyun’s enveloping her in his arms and twirling her in the air before he can even get the ring on her finger but that doesn’t matter. Because as Joonmyun leans in to kiss her, she can’t help but think that this is that one dream she never knew would become true.
The kiss isn’t anything like their first. It’s sweet and bitter—like the perfect coffee mix that is Kyungsoo’s favorite—and she kisses back, hoping Joonmyun feels all the love she still has and will always have for him.
She plops herself on her bed, dropping the letter to the floor and stares up at her ceiling as if it holds the answers to the questions she’s not sure she’s asking.
She takes a deep breath and breathes it out slowly, images coming to form in her mind. Her family chattering with her, Lu Han and her family telling stories, Lu Han smiling and laughing, Lu Han helping her when she cried, Lu Han protecting her, the people at the cafe, Joonmyun’s brown eyes, Joonmyun’s soft kiss on her forehead and the smell of black coffee with a hint of cinnamon on his breath.
“Am I ready to leave them all behind?” She whispers and closes her eyes, trying to imagine a life in Paris where she’s all alone, studying her best to become a barista. She remembers the almost promise she’d made with Joonmyun about working for him and this somehow strengthens her resolve to go, even if just a little.
“But I haven’t even told him I love him yet,” she thinks aloud. She sighs wondering if it is even worth it to get her heart broken before she leaves. She knows Joonmyun wouldn’t accept, she’s not nearly as beautiful or experienced as all the other girls he goes out with. She tosses and turns in her bed and thinks about the pros and cons of confessing.
“I don’t have much to lose.” It’s true, if she confesses and gets her heart broken, she can always just move on in Paris, find someone or maybe lose herself in her schooling.
She closes her eyes and thinks about it for a minute or two before sighing and calling her best friend. If she was going to do this, she needs moral support from the person who will probably murder her for her plans.
Kyungsoo is thankful for Lu Han’s existence—despite her heavy disapproval she has enabled Kyungsoo to meet Joonmyun.
“So what did you want to talk about?” Joonmyun begins with a flirtatious smile that makes Kyungsoo’s heart skip a beat.
Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, knowing she’s practiced her words enough to make it not sound like an idiot of a statement, “I want to be your girlfriend for a day.”
Joonmyun quirks his brow and Kyungsoo explains.
“I just, I want to spend one whole day with you, I want you to treat me how you treat all your girlfriends. I want to be yours for one day and at the same time, I want you to be mine.” She keeps her head down, trying to avoid his eyes despite her outrageous request.
Joonmyun lifts her chin up and whispers, “Look at me.” Her breath catches in her throat as their eyes meet.
“What makes you think I’ll agree?” He smirks at her, fingers grazing the skin of her face slightly.
“Because you’re a gentleman and you would do anything to please a woman.”
Her straightforwardness catches him off guard but he chuckles and nods, “That’s true.”
There’s a moment of silence that passes between them before he’s nodding, “Okay, I’ll do it.”
Kyungsoo fights the urge to smile so widely but thanks Joonmyun sincerely. She’s grateful Joonmyun doesn’t ask her why. She doesn’t plan on telling Joonmyun she’s leaving.
“I’ll see you in front of Bittersweet Cravings at 10am, two weeks from now. Don’t be late.” She leaves, not waiting for Joonmyun to reply, afraid he’ll ask more probing questions.
As she walks her way back to her home, she bites her bottom lip and tries not to cry at the thought of what this could do to her.
As Kyungsoo expected, Joonmyun is right on time.
“Joonmyun,” she breathes out not quite really believing to see him there but thankful nonetheless.
“Since I’m going to treat you like my girlfriend, that means we’re going to do everything I’ve planned out for the day.” Joonmyun’s smile is a mix between sexy and inviting and Kyungsoo can only nod trying not to sigh.
“That’s perfectly fine but I have a favor.” Joonmyun nods as if to tell her to keep going. “I wanted to go to this place around 5:30. Is that ok?”
Joonmyun thinks about it for a moment before leaning down a little to whisper in her ears, tucking a lock of her hair in the process, “Of course.” Joonmyun slides his hand down her arm before lacing their fingers together.
“Anything for you.”
Joonmyun takes her out to eat at an expensive restaurant, compliments her on the clothes she’s wearing, he smiles at her a little more sweetly and whispers in her ear sweet words she thought she’d only hear in her dreams. She pushes the thought of this all being fake to the back of her mind. Today she will pretend that everything is real. Today, Joonmyun loves her.
“How about I take you shopping?” Joonmyun offers as they finish eating. Kyungsoo splutters.
“No, you don’t have to,” She declines but Joonmyun will have none of it.
“I’m your boyfriend and I want to pamper you,” He says coolly giving her that smile that makes her stomach churn.
She bites her lip and relents, “Alright.”
They stop by all kinds of expensive brand name stores, Joonmyun buys her everything that looks good on her. He buys her simple casual clothes to more stylish party ensembles. Kyungsoo denies him at first but by the third shop, she realizes she can’t fight him and she rather likes being pampered. She likes the way Joonmyun looks her up and down and smiles at her like he loves the sight of her trying on clothes for him.
They’re sitting on one of the plush couches waiting for a pair of shoes Joonmyun requested for Kyungsoo’s size.
“Are you having fun?” Joonmyun asks caressing her cheek.
“Yes, thank you very much,” She whispers a little breathless.
“The shoes you requested, sir?” One of the male attendants asks and Joonmyun grabs the box before the attendant can set it down. Joonmyun gets off the couch and settles in front of Kyungsoo.
“Give me your foot, Kyungsoo.” Kyungsoo blushes as she lifts her right foot up into Joonmyun’s palms.
Joonmyun carefully slips the peep toe nude pumps on her foot. It’s the perfect size she notes and can’t fight the red that settles on her face as Joonmyun slips the other shoe to her other feet. It feels almost like she really is Cinderella. Joonmyun takes her hand to help her stand up and admire the way the shoe lengthens her legs.
“You know what would go with these shoes?” He whispers as they look at their reflection from the mirror. Joonmyun is behind her, his hands on her shoulders and his lips so close to her ear. “That dress over there.”
Kyungsoo’s eyes catch on the pale colored dress sprinkled with hearts and a black ribbon belt. Joonmyun motions for an attendant to get Kyungsoo’s size, which he’s memorized by now with all the shopping they’ve done.
When Kyungsoo walks out of the fitting room, she watches for Joonmyun’s reaction. Her heart skips a beat when Joonmyun merely looks at her, mouth open just the slightest bit but there’s something in his eyes that tells her he more than just appreciates the way she looks.
“We’re taking the dress and the shoes.” He stands up and heads over to her. When he’s close enough he places a simple black ribbon headband on her hair, “Wear these for the rest of the day.”
When she looks up into his eyes to reply, the words die down in her throat. There’s something more in those eyes and she can’t quite agree or disagree to his statement. She settles for a nod which makes him smile.
It’s almost 5 when they finish and Kyungsoo anxiously reminds Joonmyun of her request. And Joonmyun, playing the perfect role of perfect boyfriend allows himself to be pulled to wherever it is Kyungsoo wants for them to go. Kyungsoo directs him to a place not far from where he lives. The sun is close to setting when they stop by a tall building.
Kyungsoo excitedly pulls Joonmyun to the elevator telling him to hurry up.
Joonmyun laughs as he asks, “What’s all this about?”
“You’ll see,” Kyungsoo replies as they wait for the elevator to bring them to the topmost floor.
When they land on their floor, Kyungsoo holds onto Joonmyun’s hand and leads him to the rooftop. “I used to go here all the time when I got frustrated about not getting any of my coffee mixes right or when something went wrong with some of my pastries. This is where I took my baking lessons. The ahjumma who taught me allows me to go here from time to time even though I don’t take her classes anymore.”
When she opens the door, there is the perfect view of the sun setting. They both take a moment to admire it’s beauty before Kyungsoo leads him to sit down on the ready blanket. On the blanket is an open basket.
“I had her bring up some of the cakes I baked beforehand. There’s some drinks there.” Kyungsoo takes out the two slices of cake and Joonmyun pulls out some juice. “I didn’t have enough time to mix coffee but I hope you like the cake.”
Kyungsoo checks her watch periodically as she eats the cake and she knows Joonmyun notices. “What’s wrong?”
Kyungsoo sighs and looks at her watch. It’s almost time. “I wanted you to see something.” She sets her plate down and stands up, asking for Joonmyun’s hand at the same time. She checks her watch again as Joonmyun straightens his posture. It’s time. “Look, Joonmyun.”
She watches Joonmyun look straight as the sun sets, illuminating the buildings and billboards and that’s when they see it.
사랑해 준면 is printed out in the view in big bold letters from the billboards. Some of their usual words missing because of the light the sun illuminates.
“I have been for a while now,” Kyungsoo whispers as they watch the sun continue to set and the words reappear on the billboard.
Joonmyun turns to her and she does her best to smile sincerely. Joonmyun returns the smile, a little kinder and softer, an apology written on it. “I know.”
Kyungsoo pretends it doesn’t break her heart when he replies. She takes a deep breath. “I just wanted you to know.”
“Thank you,” Joonmyun whispers and Kyungsoo has to remind herself that she has to be alright with the way things are going, that she doesn’t mind because she expected it all along.
“Can I kiss you?” Joonmyun whispers and he leans in so close that it makes Kyungsoo a little dizzy.
“Yes, you can do anything you want with me.”
Joonmyun captures her lips in a soft kiss. His lips are softer than she expected and tastes of chocolate and cream from the cake. It’s the perfect first kiss. When Joonmyun pulls away, he’s dragging her back to the elevator.
“Where are we going?” She asks panting for air as the elevator doors close. Joonmyun looks at her with his eyes glazed over.
“I’m taking you back to my house.”
Kyungsoo’s mouth goes dry.
Kyungsoo barely registers the ride back to Joonmyun’s mansion because Joonmyun wouldn’t stop whispering in her ears what he would do to her once they stepped foot in the privacy of his room. By the time they get off the car, Joonmyun is tugging her to what she can assume is his room.
When Joonmyun kisses her again, it’s rougher and more passionate. There’s a fire that settles in her stomach as he pulls her close to his body, feeling the warmth emanate from him. When Joonmyun’s tongue licks at her bottom lip, she can’t help but gasp at the action and then his tongue is exploring the contours of her mouth.
It’s clear that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Joonmyun seems to understand this and so he guides her with his hands as he lays her down his bed.
“I promise to be gentle,” He whispers on her lips before capturing them in a searing kiss once again, unbuttoning his polo.
Kyungsoo moans and gasps as Joonmyun places kisses along her jawline and her neck and when Joonmyun is topless she can’t help but run her hands up and down his toned torso. Joonmyun smirks down at her before telling her to sit up so he can unzip her dress.
Joonmyun takes great care in undressing Kyungsoo, letting the dress fall to expose clear smooth skin and Kyungsoo tries to cover herself with her arms but Joonmyun moves them away.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispers as he kisses her collarbones, sucking a mark as he takes off her bra. “And I want you.”
She bites her lips and gathers all of her courage to unbutton his pants.
Kyungsoo registers that Joonmyun is skilled with both of his hands and his mouth because in no time they are both naked, skin flushed against skin. When she meets Joonmyun’s eyes, there’s a certain warmth to it that she hopes isn’t all pretend. He palms her cheek and kisses her forehead.
The first thrust is painful but she bites her lip so she doesn’t cry out. The second is almost as painful but Joonmyun keeps his promise at being gentle. He kisses her and whispers sweet nothings in her ear. She wonders for the briefest of moments if he means those words, if this means anything, before getting lost in the rhythm of his thrusting as it slowly builds into pleasure.
Before long, Joonmyun has her crying out in pleasure, moaning his name, asking for more and Joonmyun is more than willing to please. And with the blinding pleasure, Kyungsoo throws all her insecurities away, throws all doubts and second thoughts and lives in the now.
A small regretful smile settles on Kyungsoo’s lips. She traces the outline of Joonmyun’s beautiful sleeping face. She kisses his forehead softly, then his nose and then his lips, making sure to linger just a little bit longer than necessary.
“Thank you for everything, Joonmyun.” Her lips brushing against his lightly. “Goodbye.”
Life in Paris isn’t what Kyungsoo expects it to be but she wouldn’t have it any other way. She buries herself in school work and school activities, making friends with different people from all walks of life. She never tells them about the boy back in Korea who stole her heart, doesn’t tell them about how he may still have it.
Lu Han updates her about life in Korea, tells her of all the things she’s missing, the details of Lu Han’s love life and how her relationship with Jongin has progressed. She never talks about Joonmyun and Kyungsoo wouldn’t have it any other way.
Kyungsoo meets Chanyeol on her third year in university.
He’s everything Joonmyun isn’t. He’s tall and smiles a lot. He’s funny and talkative and he’s handsome. He’s Korean and reminds Kyungsoo of home in Paris. He takes the same course, but they’ve only met now because for the first time they have the same classes.
It takes one week of talking and exchanging pleasantries for Chanyeol to ask her out. By the time a month has passed, Kyungsoo finds herself in a relationship. The first thing she does is take a picture with him and tell Lu Han about her boyfriend.
It’s been a year since she’s started dating Chanyeol and she knows he’s expecting them to progress in their relationship, mainly she knows Chanyeol wants to have sex with her. But the thing is, she isn’t quite ready yet. She tells herself this even though she knows she willingly gave her first time to Joonmyun, so so willingly.
“That was different,” she whispers to herself, so softly she has to wonder if she had said anything at all. She repeats these words until it comes true, until it makes sense and it becomes a perfect excuse. (But it isn’t.)
Lying down on her bed, she wonders what’s wrong, why can’t she do it. She knows she loves Chanyeol. Chanyeol is sweet, holds her hand when they’re walking, kisses her good morning and goodnight, is the first to apologize when they fight even if he’s not at fault. Chanyeol is the perfect boyfriend. He is more than she can ask for, but she doesn’t understand why she can’t just willingly give herself to him.
Chanyeol is everything Joonmyun isn’t, he will never hurt her. He won’t hurt her like how Joonmyun did. He loves her, he looks at her with a softness in his eyes that she’s never seen in Joonmyun’s eyes. He holds her in his arms until she stops crying from her problems and tells her everything will be fine. Chanyeol is here, Joonmyun isn’t.
Joonmyun is her past. Chanyeol is her present, her future.
She takes a deep breath.
“Tonight,” she tells herself, “We’ll do it tonight.”
Before Chanyeol can kiss her goodbye that night, she holds onto the sleeve of his jacket, “Do you want to stay the night?” She doesn’t meet his eyes, can’t do it. But he lifts her chin up so he can look into them anyways and there’s that soft smile on his face that is only there when he looks at her, when he looks at her with love in his eyes and she feels something like guilt stab at her heart. She doesn’t know why.
“I do,” Chanyeol whispers, lacing his fingers with hers and he’s the one that leads her back to her apartment.
Chanyeol kisses her slowly and lovingly as he strips his jacket off and pulling Kyungsoo closer to deepen the kiss. They separate for the briefest of seconds so Kyungsoo can do away with her own jacket and so she can take a breath. It occurs to her that is the most intimate kiss they’ve ever shared.
It doesn’t take long before Chanyeol is capturing her lips in a kiss once more. They help each other undress while Chanyeol places kisses on any exposed skin he can reach. Kyungsoo moans at the sensation.
When they land on her bed, skin against skin, she can’t hide the fear in her eyes as Chanyeol looks into hers.
“What’s wrong?” Chanyeol whispers right by her ear, placing a soft kiss on the skin behind it.
“I —” the words die in her throat, she can’t say it. She wants to but she’s afraid of the consequences.
Chanyeol lifts himself up to stare into her eyes, watches how the light falls on her pale skin. “You can tell me, Kyungsoo. It’s okay.” He brushes a few strands of her hair away from her face.
She swallows her own saliva, “I can’t do this,” She whispers avoiding Chanyeol’s eyes once more, “I’m so sorry.”
She gently pushes Chanyeol off of her but Chanyeol roughly gets up and grabs at his pants on the floor. Kyungsoo flinches at the action. She knows she’s offended him. She covers herself with her blanket as Chanyeol continues to dress angrily.
“You know what, Kyungsoo?” Kyungsoo winces at his tone but looks up to him anyways. There are tears threatening to fall from his eyes. The guilt that settles into her stomach is prominent as he stands up before her, hair askew, his pants half undone and his shirt still in his hands. “I love you so much,” he whispers voice slightly broken, “but you can’t love me. I don’t know why but I can see it in your eyes and I thought maybe finally this time you were ready to open your heart to me but no,” he wipes his tears harshly, “you still can’t.”
Chanyeol finishes putting on his shirt and grabs his things. “I think we should break up,” he says back facing Kyungsoo before he closes the door on her, on them.
Kyungsoo cries as she dresses herself again and doesn’t stop crying until she falls asleep.
Kyungsoo wipes the tears on her face, sniffling so she can breathe again. Her life feels like an absolute wreck at the moment and she wishes she could have a do over, go back to a time when things were simpler, when all she ever dreamed of was a scholarship in France, when love wasn't in the equation.
She pushes her hair back, trying to keep them out of her tear-streaked face. She grabs the tissue box and blows her nose before burying her head in her arms and crying again. She hates being weak but she can’t help crying anyways. She can’t help feeling like she’s been trying to act strong when really all she was doing was lie to herself.
When she's calmed down enough to think properly, she gets off her desk and grabs her phone. She wipes anymore stray tears and takes a few deep breaths. She opens a new message to Chanyeol and types in I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
There really is nothing more she can say, there is no one to blame but herself and maybe the person whose love she's still wishing for. But it's not his fault because Kyungsoo knew Joonmyun and the type of person he was. It was Kyungsoo who became selfish and wished for something she’d known that was impossible.
It takes a week for Chanyeol to reply to her text message, albeit a sorry excuse for an apology.
Let’s meet at the school fountain after your class tomorrow. is all it says.
Chanyeol is already there when Kyungsoo arrives. He’s sitting on one of the benches shaded by a tree and overlooking the fountain. Kyungsoo takes a tentative seat beside him.
“You know when you first told me you loved me I never believed you?” He asks but it’s one of those statements that Kyungsoo knows she doesn’t need to reply to. “Even then I was happy because for a moment I believed that in the end those words would come true.”
Chanyeol takes a deep breath and continues to look out to the fountain in front of them. Kyungsoo sets her gaze at her hands on her lap. “I’m guessing you thought everything was fine. I can’t blame you for that. But you should know our relationship wasn’t perfect.” Chanyeol sighs and rests his arms on his thighs.
“There were days when you looked at me and didn’t really see me. It was like you were expecting someone else. Sometimes when I held your hand or kissed you and you didn’t return it with the same fervor, I wondered if there was someone else.” Kyungsoo opens her mouth to protest but Chanyeol beats her to it. “I know there was never someone else but sometimes when you couldn’t look at me with the same amount of affection I gave you, I wondered what was wrong. It wasn’t until your best friend told me that I understood what was happening.”
Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at Chanyeol’s confession. “Your friend, Lu Han, was afraid that I would hurt you so she told me about how you got hurt before you left. How someone broke your heart in Korea and that I should take care of you. It was a pretty interesting email. I never bothered to tell you because if I did, my greatest fears would have been confirmed. You’re still in love with the asshole who broke your heart, aren’t you Kyungsoo?”
Chanyeol looks at her then, his eyes are tired and red and a little swollen. There are dark circles under them, and she almost reaches out to caress his cheek. She swallows knowing she isn’t in the position where she’s allowed to care. It’s her fault after all.
“You haven’t moved on have you?” He asks, voice much softer, more broken and Kyungsoo looks away because she’s not sure how to answer that. Chanyeol just sighs at Kyungsoo’s silence.
“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo replies after a while.
Chanyeol tilts her head up and Kyungsoo is shocked to see a soft sad smile on his face. “Don’t lie to yourself, Kyungsoo. You’re only hurting yourself.” He gathers her in his arms. “I forgive you,” he whispers. “You probably don’t deserve it, but because I still love you, I can’t help but forgive you.”
Kyungsoo can’t help but tear up at those words.
“This time though, don’t hurt anyone. Don’t use other people to move on, Kyungsoo,” he whispers as Kyungsoo slowly cries. “If he’s the one that makes you happy, then chase after him.”
Kyungsoo cries even harder than she did the past days and Chanyeol holds her tighter one last time. When she no longer has any tears left, Chanyeol kisses her forehead and whispers, “When you go back to Korea, remember there is a Park Chanyeol who will always love you in Paris. Be happy, Kyungsoo.”
The first thing Kyungsoo does when she comes home from her graduation is check her mail. She isn’t at all surprised when she sees who it’s from and the content of the mail. A smile decorates her face at the sight.
Lu Han Updates - I’m getting married!!! 12:54PM
Kyungsoo reads the email thoroughly and smiles because she’s genuinely happy for her best friend. She bites her lip however at the last sentence of the mail.
I know it’s your graduation today, so please come home as soon as possible. I need my Maid of Honor by my side at all times. Please?
She can almost picture her best friend begging with her hands held tightly together. She knew she had to go back, she just wasn’t sure if she was ready yet. Lu Han is going to marry Jongin, the chances of her running into Joonmyun were more than likely. She didn’t know if she was going to be alright with that.
Even so, as soon as she finishes reading the mail, she books the earliest flight back to Korea.
Lu Han and Jongin take care of her accommodations. They had convinced her to stay over at their mansion and wouldn’t take no for an answer. A rather heavy sigh escapes her lips as the driver the couple had assigned to pick her up begins their journey to the couple’s new home.
It wasn’t the fact that she was staying over at the couple’s mansion that made the arrangement rather uncomfortable but the thought that she’d be seeing Joonmyun rather frequently. She didn’t know if she was ready for that kind of confrontation. She wasn’t sure if there was even going to be one. She leans her head on the window of the car as she tries to think calmly and readies herself for whatever the outcome her stay over will greet her.
It doesn’t take long for them to reach the mansion. She expects something much bigger than Joonmyun’s mansion but is surprised to find it significantly smaller. The driver drops her off the front door where the familiar figure of her best friend greets her. She has barely stepped out of the car when Lu Han comes barreling towards her to envelop her in a tight embrace.
Kyungsoo laughs as she admires the taller girl and how much she has changed over the course of four years.
“You’re still as beautiful as ever,” she comments. Lu Han only laughs and twirls Kyungsoo’s now wavy locks.
“Look at you!” She says excitedly, “You curled your hair!”
“You sound like I didn’t take a picture and send it to you,” She replies as Lu Han leads her inside the mansion. Lu Han calls for a maid to get Kyungsoo’s things up to her room and leads her to the mansion’s living room.
“The boys are visiting and they’re actually excited to see you again,” Lu Han comments with a smile but Kyungsoo can’t help but freeze up at her statement. A hand reaches up to tug on Lu Han’s arm and stops her from walking.
“Lu Han, I—” she finds she can’t say but Lu Han gives her a sympathetic smile, giving Kyungsoo a comforting squeeze on her arm.
“Don’t worry, Joonmyun is out of the country for the week. He won’t be coming back until the day before the wedding.”
The breath of relief she releases makes Lu Han giggle but Kyungsoo feels like the weight of the world has stopped resting on her shoulders that she lets her best friend laugh at her anyways.
In the living room, she is greeted by the sight of F4 without Joonmyun. They look oddly incomplete even though when she used to be around them, they were mostly in threes. They all greet her warmly, Jongin even going as far as kissing her on the cheek. She rather expects Jongdae’s hug because he’d always been touchy, but Sehun’s warm smile and warm greeting surprises her most—he was the one she barely interacted with.
They talk about mostly her, catching up with her life and scrunching four years worth of stories they’d never heard into a three or so hours. Lu Han and Jongin occasionally remind her details she left out and Kyungsoo is entertained by how in sync the couple have become.
The duo stay until dinner and the talk moves from Kyungsoo’s life to the life of everyone in the table. She doesn’t notice—not until she’s lying in her bed for the night—that the conversation never, not even once, revolved around Joonmyun.
Kyungsoo gets whisked away on wedding preparations and practices that she barely has any time to emotionally and mentally prepare for Joonmyun’s arrival.
So it surprises her when she sees him at the last wedding rehearsal, looking pristine and handsome as ever. She hasn’t seen or heard much of him in the past four years, avoiding all major news that may come out about him. She swallows the lump in her throat and forces her eyes to stray away from the sight of him as she walks towards Sehun.
“Hey,” Sehun greets her, “you ready?” Kyungsoo only manages a nod before Sehun offers his arm and they go to their line.
She sends a small prayer of thanks that Sehun is the best man and not Joonmyun because then she doesn’t get partnered with Joonmyun. She tries to ignore the sudden wave of nostalgia she gets from having Sehun’s rather toned arm in her hand. It reminds her so much of personalized frappuccinos in a small cafe.
“Are you alright?” Sehun whispers as they take short strides towards the altar and Kyungsoo smiles at the concern because she hadn’t expected Sehun to be so nice. She nods and Sehun leaves her to her thoughts once more as they separate to go to the bride and groom’s side.
All throughout the wedding rehearsal, she avoids meeting Joonmyun’s eyes or even just a glimpse of him. She focuses instead on the profile of her best friend and silently prays that no one calls her out on her rather stiff posture.
To her luck, no one does, but Lu Han notices and she’s sure others, too. Jongdae pats her on the back and Sehun squeezes her hand as he continues his job of being an escort. She’s almost thankful at their silent comfort and ignores the feeling of eyes on her, thinking it’s all in her mind and that there is no way Joonmyun would be looking at her.
The wedding happens in a blur and Kyungsoo loses herself in the excitement of her best friend tying the knot. She nearly squeals as Jongin carefully takes the veil off Lu Han and kisses her chastely but sweetly. She wonders when her time will come, if it will come at all.
She’s dancing with Sehun, surprised that the older even asked her to dance, when he clears his throat and begins to talk in a soft voice.
“I think you should talk to Joonmyun,” He says pulling her close so he’s nearly whispering in her ears. She wants to reply, to protest, but Sehun continues talking.
“There are some things you need to know that only he can tell you.” Kyungsoo’s heart skips a beat at that and she isn’t sure what Sehun means because there is nothing more to be said between her and Joonmyun.
“I don’t know what you mean.” She manages to whisper but Sehun only pulls back and smiles at her. Before she knows it she is being lead right in front of Joonmyun who is scowling at them.
“What are you doing?” She whispers harshly as Sehun pulls away from his hold on her.
“Giving you the push you need.”
Sehun is gone when she looks up and is greeted by Joonmyun’s scary scowl before it softens into a frown. He sighs before giving her a pained smile, “Do you want to dance?” Offering her his hand in the process and Kyungsoo gulps and places her palm softly on Joonmyun’s.
Joonmyun pulls her close that their chests touch and his breath is warm on her ears and she can’t help but feel like this is perfect, that the way they stand so closely to each other is meant to be. She notes that Joonmyun smells much more like coffee, bitter with a hint of cinnamon and it brings her back to those moments she hasn’t relived in a long time.
“It’s nice to see you again,” Joonmyun says so softly she almost misses it and she can’t fight the blush that makes its way to her cheeks.
“It’s nice seeing you, too,” even though that isn’t how she feels. Joonmyun chuckles, like he knows she’s lying.
“You’ve grown much more beautiful in the past four years,” He takes a deep breath like he’s been wanting to say those words to her, “You’ve curled your hair. It suits you.”
Kyungsoo is glad that she has her head tucked in the junction where Joonmyun’s neck and shoulder meet because she’s pretty sure her face is as red as a tomato. She takes a few deep breaths before muttering a soft thanks and utters a compliment in return which she means.
They finish the slow song with no more talk and Kyungsoo is ready to push Joonmyun away because she’s not expecting for Joonmyun to want to dance with her anymore after it.
“Can we talk?” He whispers pulling back to look at her, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ears and then twirling the strands on his index finger and pulling softly so the waves fall back on her shoulder. It takes her breath away, reminding her of Christmas dates. And it’s enough to give him an affirmative nod. She bites her lip as Joonmyun takes her hands off his shoulders and holds one of them in his and leads her to one of the empty balconies.
Joonmyun doesn’t release her hand when they reach the railings of the balcony and instead watches as he slowly laces their fingers together. A soft smile graces his lips as he looks at their intertwined hands and Kyungsoo flushes at the sight.
“What are you doing?” She manages to squeak out and the smile that Joonmyun throws her way is almost heartbreakingly sad.
“I love you,” Joonmyun says so softly that she thinks she imagines it. She splutters as Joonmyun pulls her closer. “I love you,” he repeats, “I never got to tell you when you left.”
Kyungsoo can’t reply, all the words are leaving her because Joonmyun is confessing to her with that small sad smile like he expects her to have moved on in those four years.
“I was hoping I could tell you when we stopped pretending but when I woke up you weren’t there.” He turns away, still not releasing her hand and leans on the railing. “I wanted to go after you so badly, but Lu Han refused to tell me where you went. It wasn’t until you got a boyfriend that she did, that she started sharing information about you.” He chuckles at that. “I never really told anyone about my feelings towards you and I guess she thought it would be okay to let me in on everything because you were finally moving on.”
“When you broke up with your boyfriend I was this close to booking a flight to Paris,” he gestures with his fingers, and looks at her to see if she’s still listening. Kyungsoo nods and Joonmyun goes on. “But my father wasn’t happy to find his only heir chasing after some woman. And I’ve been in the States trying to convince him that Do Kyungsoo is the only woman for me.”
Kyungsoo softly gasps as Joonmyun straightens his posture and bends down on one knee.
“I’m not going to take no for an answer. You have no idea what kind of hell I went through just to get my father’s approval.” He clears his throat and with one hand takes out a black velvety box. “So, Miss Do Kyungsoo, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
There’s a moment of silence as Kyungsoo tries to gather her wits and process everything that’s going on right at this very minute. She barely manages to choke out, “Yes,” and then Joonmyun’s enveloping her in his arms and twirling her in the air before he can even get the ring on her finger but that doesn’t matter. Because as Joonmyun leans in to kiss her, she can’t help but think that this is that one dream she never knew would become true.
The kiss isn’t anything like their first. It’s sweet and bitter—like the perfect coffee mix that is Kyungsoo’s favorite—and she kisses back, hoping Joonmyun feels all the love she still has and will always have for him.
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