suchen; no hearts, no beats, just love (2/3) [Oneshot]

[darkyulate]

one \ two Jongae sighs as he enters his room. He throws his bag by the bed and a takes a seat by his messy desk. He dumps his papers on the table and reaches for the folder neatly tucked away in the corner and a pen. Scribbled in the middle of the sheet is a formula. It looks as though it was haphazardly written. Jongdae gives it no attention as he scribbles in whatever blank spaces are left. He breathes out, puffing his cheeks as he finishes writing. Putting the paper back in its L holder, he tries to ignore the number of papers inside it. He takes some of the paper on his desk and adds it to the pile. He smiles ruefully at his collection before placing it back to its corner. Jongdae eyes the L holder for a few more seconds before turning his chair, facing the corner of his room where a white life sized box stands. He stares hard at it, almost squinting his eyes as he wills its contents to come to life. He sighs when nothing happens, not a thing in the seconds—minutes that tick by. He drops his head in his hands when no one pops out. Jongdae hasn't opened that box in a long time. He hasn't seen what's inside it in years. He bites his lip and rotates his chair back to face his mess of papers. His phone rings on the table, the perfect distraction, and he answers it instantly, letting the voice of his classmate take his mind far far away. "Hello, Jongdae?" "Kyungsoo?" "Yeah. Baekhyun and Chanyeol wanted to know if we could come over. We wanted to discuss the group work required for R. Eng1." "Yeah, sure." Jongdae doesn't say or ask any more before he hangs up. And as he collects his study materials and prepares for his guests, not once does his eyes go back to that corner of the room. ♡♡♡ Fingers danced on Jongdae’s waist as the hand it belonged to stroked Jongdae’s side up and down. Jongdae groaned as he nuzzled the fabric in front of him, the arm below his head a comfortable pillow. He turned his head, mumbling as he pressed his ear against the soft body before him. The soundless depths that greeted him almost made Jongdae fall back into sleep, but the fingers tangling in his hair made it hard. Jongdae muttered and pressed his ear harder against the fabric. He tried focusing on the emptiness, knowing it will lull him back to slumber. The fingers tapped on his waist and massaged his scalp. Jongdae groaned because he knew full well there was no going back to sleep for him. He muttered and opened his eyes. "Good morning, Jongdae." Suho graced him with his usual smile as the morning light gave him a silhouette. Jongdae almost gaped at the sight before him, blinking a few times to see if the sight was real. His heart's pace quickened and Jongdae lay down on his back, effectively releasing him from Suho's hold. He closed his eyes and put an arm above his eyes. "What do you want to do today?" Jongdae groaned, not at the question, but at the image of Suho burned into the back of his eyelids. The question was familiar enough that Jongdae delayed his reply. He listened to the sounds of Suho rustling the sheets as he made his way to the bathroom. The water turned on and Jongdae knew that Suho was taking unnecessary baths again. It wouldn't take long now before Suho would sit at the edge of Jongdae's bed and wait for Jongdae's reply. It was a routine they'd started to form after months of spending every waking and sleeping hour with each other. In Jongdae's case, he did the sleeping and Suho would wait for Jongdae to wake up. Jongdae wondered what Suho did to fill the hours. The image of Suho's smile was the only thing that Jongdae could see and he opened his eyes, no longer liking the sight. It irritated Jongdae that it was probably Suho's default face but even with the number of times he'd seen it, it still made his heart stop. He slowly sat up, resting his back against the headboard, as he waited for Suho to return. Suho walked out the bathroom clothed, a towel wrapped around his neck to dry his hair. Jongdae almost choked at the sight so he turned away. "Why do you always wake me up so early in the morning?" Jongdae asked as his eyes caught sight of the clock on the bedside table. "It's not good to waste the day," Suho replied, smiling at Jongdae. Jongdae sighed, crossing his arms. "Should I start calling you my Alarm Clock now or something?" Suho just shrugged. "Depends, do you want me to be your alarm clock?" "Wisecrack," Jongdae grumbled, gritting his teeth as Suho's teasing remark looked almost innocent with his ever present smile on his face. Jongdae rolled his eyes and got off the bed. "Wait for me and we'll go watch a movie or something." Jongdae smacked Suho on the head and stretched before locking the bathroom door. He knew Suho wouldn't dare enter but it had become a habit he couldn't break. As Jongdae turned on the shower, he tried not to think about the unnerving feeling in his gut at the way Suho smiled. He tried not think about how Suho didn’t have many. Jongdae flinched as the zombie on TV appeared out of nowhere, screaming its head off and going after the protagonists in the movie. He tried to keep a straight face, fighting the urge to lean into the body beside him and hide his face. From his peripheral vision, Jongdae could see Suho flinch and tremble from the sounds. His face contorted for a fraction of a second into something that wasn't his usual smile and then it went back, the smile more pronounced. It almost felt like he wanted to cower more than Jongdae but he literally couldn't do it. Jongdae cringed as the zombie successfully bit off flesh from the protagonist. He shuddered and turned away from the blood splashing all over the screen. A shiver ran down his spine and he decided to throw all his inhibitions away. Biting his lip, Jongdae leaned onto Suho's shoulder, clinging to his shirt as he hid his face away from the screen. "Scared?" Suho asked, his voice trembling just the slightest. Jongdae bit his lip harder, keeping his mouth shut and not wanting to answer. Jongdae whimpered as another round of screaming rang through the speakers. He pressed his forehead against Suho harder and clung a little tighter. "Yes, I am,” Jongdae whispered. “But we're both scaredy-cats so shut up." He felt Suho stiffen before a hand came to tangle through his hair, and it was then that Jongdae noticed he was trembling. The gesture effectively ceased his shaking as Jongdae focused on the feel of Suho's fingertips. Soon, the fingers disappeared and Jongdae stayed clutching to Suho's side. His ears made up for his lack of sight and he listened intently to his surroundings. The sounds coming from the TV disappeared and Jongdae felt his shoulders slump. "I turned the movie off," Suho whispered, his fingers coming back to comb Jongdae's hair. Jongdae sighed and relaxed a little bit more. "Thank you," Jongdae whispered as he loosened his hold on Suho’s shirt. Jongdae breathed out and closed his eyes, letting Suho's warmth draw him out of thoughts of zombies with blood in their mouth. "No more scary movies for us," Jongdae muttered. He heard Suho's soft reply and he finally gave up and looked up at his android. The smile that grated his nerves and made his heart skip a beat was still on Suho's face. Jongdae eyed his android, certain that Suho was just as scared as he was and yet here he was comforting Jongdae. Jongdae shook his head. He didn't want to think about this anymore. If Suho wanted to smile, then he could smile all he wanted. "What else do you want to do then?" Jongdae raised a brow at the question. "You know," Jongdae started as he leaned back on the sofa. "You ask me that question a lot in the span of a day." Suho just smiled and nodded. "I know," he began. He leaned back on the couch and kept his gaze on the black screen. "I have to ask. Aside from the fact that you programmed me to be that way, I'm also programmed to guarantee my master's satisfaction." Jongdae nodded, accepting the answer and closed his eyes. "Well," Jongdae paused, thinking of his next words. "From now on, I don't want you to ask me. You either wait for me to tell you what I want to do or you tell me what you want to do." Jongdae peeked to see Suho's reaction. For the first time, Suho's smile dropped from his face. It was the first time Jongdae had ever seen Suho's face look so blank. It lasted for a few more seconds before the smile was back. "I'll try," Suho whispered, turning to face Jongdae. Jongdae bit his lip as their eyes met. Something about the way Suho's eyes shone in the minimal lighting made Jongdae dizzy. "Don't try, idiot," Jongdae grumbled, punching Suho's arm lightly. "Do. I gave you more personality than that." Jongdae smiled at Suho and he hoped Suho wouldn't use whatever it was in his system to detect the temperature his face emitted. "Thank you, Jongdae." Jongdae bit his lip as he avoided Suho's gaze, feeling the flush go further down his neck. With gritted teeth, Jongdae replied, "You're welcome." Jongdae sat on the park bench and gazed around the park. Children ran and laughed as they chased each other. It felt like a good day, with the sun high in the sky and the wind giving off a cool air. "Jongdae," Suho called, drawing Jongdae out of his thoughts. Jongdae grinned at the sight of two ice cream cones in Suho's hands. Despite the cool weather, Jongdae had dragged Suho to the park for ice cream. "Thank you," Jongdae said, hurriedly taking one of the cones from Suho's hand. He straightened his back as he licked the soft serve. "So," Jongdae asked after licking a few more stripes out of his treat. "How's your first ice cream?" Jongdae turned to Suho and watched his android take small bites of the ice cream. Suho nodded in approval. "I like it," Suho answered with a smile. Jongdae grinned triumphantly and felt warm all of a sudden, knowing he had caused that reaction. "Really? That's great." Jongdae looked away and scooted closer to Suho. "Here, why don't you try my flavor." Jongdae shamelessly handed his cone to Suho and his android peered at the cone before taking a small bite out of it. "I like mine better," Suho declared, his tone smug despite his innocent smile. Jongdae rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You wouldn't even have that flavor if not for me, idiot." Without warning, Jongdae reached for Suho's arm and licked a big portion off the ice cream. Jongdae laughed at his successful attempt, humming as vanilla exploded and melted in his mouth. "I still like chocolate better," Jongdae declared, smiling cheekily at Suho. The corners of Suho’s lips went upwards a little more and Jongdae's eyes caught the movement. It lasted for a second as Suho's shoulders shook. It looked as if he was about to laugh, but then stopped. Suho's soft smile went back and Jongdae scrutinized the android before him and wondered what was wrong. "Are you alright?" Jongdae asked. Suho's expression faltered for a second, his mouth opening to answer but no words came out. He closed it and kept smiling. He reached out his hand and wiped the corner of Jongdae's lips. "You had ice cream at the corner of your lips," Suho offered instead of answering Jongdae's question. Jongdae would have flushed—he probably was—with the gesture but he couldn't focus on his reactions to Suho. Not with the way his android seemed to be having problems. "Hey," Jongdae uttered, holding on to Suho's arm to get him to stop smiling like nothing's wrong. "You'll tell me if there was something wrong with you, right?" Suho nodded. "Of course, Jongdae." Jongdae gulped. Something about Suho's clipped answer didn’t sit well with him. He gave Suho a rueful smile and slid his arm down, intertwining their fingers and squeezing the hand in his. It didn't seem like it was enough but it was all Jongdae could offer. "Why are you reading my manual?" Suho asked as he put down the plate of food he had just finished cooking. Jongdae looked up from the book he'd had his nose buried in since this morning. He frowned at Suho as he pushed the book away, accepting the food offered to him. He gazed at the food and took a bite out of it. He swallowed and opened his mouth. "I think there's something wrong with you." Jongdae lifted his head and gauged Suho's reaction. Just as he'd expected, Suho's face faltered for a second before his smile came back on his face. It was as if Suho's system had malfunctioned for that entire second. "Is the food good?" Suho asked. Jongdae frowned as Suho tried to stray away from the subject. He also had a feeling Suho would do that but that only spurred the doubt in his heart about Suho. He bit his lip and turned his attention back on the food. "Yeah, it's great," Jongdae mumbled, stuffing his face with mouthfuls and gulping them down barely chewed on. The swallows were painful, but it helped ease the pain in his heart as he thought about what could be wrong with his Guardian. "Hey, Suho," Jongdae called out, pushing the plate far away from him and grabbing the manual. Jongdae smiled at Suho as he subtly glanced the manual on the table. "Guardian Android Voice Command: Sleep," Jongdae said, voice clear but throat constricted. Jongdae watched as Suho's eyes closed and his android stayed completely still. He took a deep breath and turned the pages. "Guardian Android Voice Command: Personalization Panel," Jongdae hurriedly said, going over the Personalization Panel pages. He surveyed the instructions, words he'd already gone over the first time and the past few weeks. He's practically memorized them by now. The panel glowed out of Suho's now robotic blue eyes and the view looked so abnormal, so un-Suho-like that it made it hard to look. Jongdae walked to Suho's side, crossing over the screen and leaving it to glow on his body. He lifted a hand to caress Suho's cheek, turning his face to him. Suho's skin was still warm on Jongdae's skin and the contact made Jongdae determined to continue what he was doing. "Don't worry, Suho," Jongdae started as he backed away. "I'm just going to complete your personalization." Jongdae gulped as he glanced at the screen before him. "I probably shouldn't have left those gaps," he muttered. He knew he was just mumbling to himself now, justifying his actions to himself. "It's probably why you're acting up. Don't worry." It didn't take long for Jongdae to complete the set up. Some of the categories he'd already known what he'd wanted to do with them. It was just this one category that made him reluctant. Jongdae gulped as he picked it, the only one left. The screen glowed, 'Sex.' Jongdae bit his lip and filled everything out, ignoring the unpleasant way his stomach churned. He knew he was never going to use Suho for this purpose. "I just—" Jongdae filled out the missing pieces of Suho's personality. "I just don't know what else to do aside from this." Jongdae tapped on the 'Save' button and let the personalization sync, surprised that it had been faster than the first time. "You're going to be alright now," Jongdae uttered, barely even believing his own words. "Good Afternoon, Jongdae." Suho opened his eyes and smiled at Jongdae, his usual smile. Jongdae bit his lip and enveloped Suho in his arms. He took a deep breath and basked in the feeling of warmth, the missing vibrations and the soundless heartbeats. Deep down, at the pit of his gut, he knew something was still wrong. The doubt that crept in Jongdae’s head kept him up at night, nearly to the point of haunting his dreams. He bit his lip as he turned in his bed, finding him face-to-face with Suho, who was still very much awake. "Why aren't you asleep, yet?" Suho smiled as he extended his arm out to Jongdae. Jongdae eyed Suho carefully before sighing, scooting closer to his android and laying his head down on his arm. After becoming comfortable by Suho's side, Jongdae looked into Suho's warm chocolate eyes. He smiled back at him, caressing the android’s cheek. "Just thinking," Jongdae answered as he brought his hand down. He thought for another moment before clinging closer to Suho. Jongdae pressed his ear against Suho's chest and listened for the quietness. Suho didn't breathe, nor did he have a heart that needed to beat. Suho was quiet and still and it calmed Jongdae every night to listen to nothing, just basking in the feeling of Suho draped all over him. This was how Jongdae fell asleep every night since he’d gotten Suho. "Tomorrow," Jongdae whispered, clinging tighter on Suho's sweater. "Let's watch my favorite movie." Suho nodded as he pulled Jongdae closer, wrapping his free arm around Jongdae's waist. "Alright. Good night, Jongdae." Jongdae hummed as Suho held him close. It didn't take him long before sleep took him in his arms. Tomorrow Jongdae would settle the doubt creeping up from his toes and threatening to overwhelm him. Jongdae's favorite movie had a heavy plot, great dramatic lines and even some awesome action scenes. The reason he'd picked this movie was because it always made Jongdae laugh and cry, always made him feel different things. He wanted to see if it could do the same for Suho. Selecting the movie in the panel, Jongdae plopped by Suho's side on the couch. He found comfort in the arm that Suho draped over the couch's backrest, the warmth tickling the back of Jongdae's neck. He leaned into it a little as the opening credits of the movie began to play. Jongdae knew it was sly of him to test Suho out, to doubt his incredible system when he was probably the only one who had a malfunctioning android. He bit his lip as thoughts like these kept circling his mind. He could barely focus on the movie. Even though he knew if he complained, he could just get a new Guardian. He cleared his head of such thoughts. He took a deep breath as he scooted closer to Suho's side. He allowed Suho's presence to calm him like it did most times. He didn't want to think about this anymore. If there was something wrong with Suho, Jongdae would just have him fixed. His parents could just pay for it in the meantime. They'd be more than willing to, he was sure. Jongdae closed his eyes. This was his favorite movie they were watching and he'd appreciate it if his mind didn't wander. The movie was just beginning when Jongdae decided to pay attention and he let its fictional world swallow his doubts whole. Somehow, in the middle of the movie, Jongdae's stomach felt funny, like the acid inside it kept burning everything inside him. It wasn't hunger—he had already eaten with Suho. It was something else. Every time he glanced at Suho, the feeling grew. Suho stiffened every time a funny joke appeared on TV and then smiled again. He hadn't laughed, not even a slight curl of the lips upward. He just smiled. Some of the tear jerking scenes had already gone by and where Jongdae had wiped some tears, Suho barely batted an eye. Jongdae was sure he had programmed Suho to be soft-hearted. Jongdae bit his lip as the hand clutching Suho's shirt tightened its hold on the fabric. The climax of the movie was about to happen and if Suho still kept that smile on his face, Jongdae knew he was going to lose it. The sound of the car crashing in the movie echoed in the entertainment room and Jongdae whipped his head back to the television. The car tumbled and turned, the lover of the protagonist still inside it. Jongdae could see blood, all over the screen and all over his head. Everything in the movie went in slow motion. Screams, sirens, and all sorts of sounds echoed in Jongdae's ears. The movie kept playing but Jongdae saw something else. Jongdae turned to his side and saw a tear slide down Suho's smiling face. Suho's brows furrowed and he frowned, tears cascading his cheeks. It was the first real emotion Jongdae had seen on Suho. Someone screamed in the movie and Jongdae saw from his peripheral vision that it was the protagonist. The scream kept playing in his head as he watched Suho's face look pained and then slowly his lips lifted to its original smile. His mind kept playing the scream over and over again until it was all Jongdae could hear. "Why are you smiling!?" Jongdae heard himself shout. It was then that he realized that he was the one screaming, that he was hearing himself. "You were crying just a few seconds ago? Why are you smiling? Why are you always smiling?" Jongdae kept shouting, his voice growing so loud he was sure the entire mansion could hear. "What's wrong with you?" As soon as the words left his lips, Jongdae had regretted ever letting them go. Suho's face looked so shocked, his eyes wide and his mouth open. It was as if he didn't know as well. He looked so confused as his brows furrowed and he brought a hand to his head. "What's," Suho started, cradling his head in his hands. "What's wrong with me?" He asked. He kept repeating the question, his voice normal at the start before it turned robotic. Jongdae stood up in shock, kneeling over to Suho's side to pull his hands away. "Suho, Suho, look at me," Jongdae desperately called out. Suho's eyes were going from blue to chocolate and Jongdae felt his heart stop, his breath hitch. "...wrong with me?" Suho said brokenly his voice robotic and so unlike him. "...wrong..." "Guardian Android System Malfunction." A male robotic voice kept repeating. Jongdae's blood ran cold and he ran out, screaming for help to anyone who would listen. ♡♡♡ Jongdae's fingers work quickly on the keys of his laptop, tapping different characters and letters. His foot shakes and shakes like there’s no tomorrow, and even so he reaches for the mug of coffee by the side. He drinks the thankfully still warm liquid carefully so as not spill over his work. "Jongdae," someone greets as they open the doors of the lab. Jongdae doesn't look up from his laptop. "Hey, Baek," he greets back as he finishes typing. His right leg has stopped shaking but his left has started in its place. "Kyungsoo and Chanyeol just got some breakfast." "Have you guys been here all night?" Baekhyun asks as he places his things on a desk that isn't as cluttered as the others. "Yeah," Jongdae answers with a yawn. "It's just that we're so close with the system and Chanyeol's gotten really excited at the thought of working on prototypes." "Sorry I couldn't help out last night." Baekhyun takes a seat beside Jongdae and tries to make sense of the formulas on his computer screen. "Is this the program?" "Yeah," Jongdae replies as he scoots over so Baekhyun can have a better look. "After I finish these set of codes, Kyungsoo said to give you the next shift." Jongdae finally takes his eyes away from the screen. He gives Baekhyun an apologetic smile. Jongdae’s eyes have gotten red and swollen from the sleepless nights. Baekhyun shakes his head and smacks Jongdae on the back. "Don't worry about it, stupid." "I bet you offered to take either Chanyeol or Kyungsoo's coding shifts," Baekhyun comments as he takes the paper Jongdae hands him. The paper has the code scribbled neatly on it. Jongdae bites his lip as he finishes up the last set of codes. "Actually, I offered to take both but they declined." Jongdae laughs it off but he can feel the scrutinizing gaze Baekhyun gives him. "Look," Baekhyun starts as Jongdae takes his hands and eyes off the monitor and keys. "I know you've got a lot hanging on this system, but you've gotta trust us." Jongdae takes a deep breath. "We're back!" Chanyeol's loud voice rings in the lab, and Jongdae gives Baekhyun a rueful smile. Baekhyun shakes his head, mentally telling Jongdae their talk isn't over, yet. "Yo," Kyungsoo goes over Jongdae's chair and hands him some snacks. "I called your mother and she sent a driver. Why don't you go sleep and we'll wake you up when he arrives?" "Thanks," Jongdae accepts the snacks and heads over to the beds in the lab. "You better sleep, Kim Jongdae!" Chanyeol commands and Jongdae scoffs as he throws a pillow at Chanyeol. "I will," Jongdae whispers as he lies down, foregoing the snacks for sleep. Deep inside, he's thankful for Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. Without them, Jongdae would have never gotten this far. ♡♡♡ Jongdae paced back and forth, occasionally turning to stare at the glass that separated him from his android. "Jongdae, honey," his mother's sweet voice filled his ears and Jongdae turned to her, falling into his mother's warm embrace. "It's going to be fine." Jongdae bit his lip as he held his sobs at bay. He had cried when they had arrived here and it had been hours since then. He didn't want to cry anymore. He was sure Suho wouldn't want him to cry as well. He took a deep breath and calmed himself down, allowing his mother's words of comfort to soothe him. "Mr. Kim," a man in white called out. Jongdae immediately walked to him, feeling cold when his mother's warmth left him. "I'm SM Systems Head Engineer, Kim Jongin." Jongin held out his hand which Jongdae reluctantly shook. "I know I wasn't the original scientist working with Suho but we've noticed something unique about him." Jongin lead Jongdae inside the room where Suho was currently monitored. Men in white robes hovered over him and made it hard for Jongdae to see his robot. "Mr. Kim?" Jongin called out and Jongdae turned his attention back to the engineer. "If you would look here, these are Suho's emotional levels." Jongin gestured to the screen with bars of varying sizes and percentages at the bottom. "In this part, we have Suho's monitored emotional levels." Jongin enlarged the left part of the screen and the bars showed that the levels were half of their original size. "As you can see from here, it's only about fifty percent." Jongin minimized the screen. "It's completely normal as we ensure androids to never feel too much. Giving them emotions that they have no proper control over sends their system into overdrive." Jongdae opened his mouth, a question at the tip of his tongue, but Jongin cut him off with a hand. "Here, we can see Suho's original emotional levels." Jongin enlarged the right side of the screen and overlapped it with the first image. The bars showed greater heights than the first one, their numbers at the bottom skyrocketing and changing. "From here," Jongin pointed out. "It's obvious that your android has no control over his emotions and he doesn't respond well to the limitations that we have over him. Do you understand?" Jongdae mulled over it for a second. "So, you're saying, he's feeling too much for an android?" "That and the Emotional Limits we've set for him are too low so his system is shutting down." Jongin waited for the information to sink in. "There's something that you can do, right?" Jongdae asked, not liking the quiet demeanor that Jongin had. For a moment, Jongin looked at the graphs and then turned his attention back on Jongdae. "Luckily, we keep these limitations only at fifty percent and we can move it to one hundred. It might help Suho's system work with his emotions." Jongin glanced to the side, watching his team continue observing Suho. "But?" Jongdae asked, knowing there was going to be some sort of sacrifice. "It might not work forever." "What do you mean?" Jongdae's throat felt dry, the words barely coming out as it hurt to speak or breathe. "We're not sure increasing his Emotional Limits will stop his system from shutting down in the future. It's a temporary solution. At this rate, if your android's emotional levels continue to skyrocket, even with the highest setting of Emotional Limitations, his system’s going to malfunction." Jongdae closed his eyes, the image of Suho's blue eyes and robotic voice haunting him. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "What happens when his system malfunctions?" "He's going to be useless. His system's going to fry. He will return to his original appearance and his functionality will disappear. The only thing you will be able to do with him is sell him for parts." Jongin sighed and Jongdae looked up to find pity in his eyes. Jongin put a hand on Jongdae's shoulder and squeezed it as a comforting gesture. "I'm going to give you some advice," Jongin whispered before eyeing the people behind him to see if they were paying attention. "Try the new adjustment out. It will work. You'll notice that Suho's able to show more emotions but it also won't last long. So you're going to have to beat it. If you shut Suho down before his system becomes obsolete, then in a way you'll be able to save him." "Why?" "Because you've grown attached to a robot who was programmed to love you from the start." Jongin shrugged. "I'm not holding it against you. You're not the only one." Jongin smiled solemnly at Jongdae, glancing down to the floor as if to avoid Jongdae's eyes. "I can see the desperation in your eyes. You want to save Suho and this will probably be the only way." Jongdae gritted his teeth, took a deep breath and looked into Jongin's eyes. "Thank you," Jongdae said feeling the tears prick the corners of his eyes. "Good luck, Mr. Kim." The dark room greeted Jongdae as he allowed the maids to carry Suho's body to the bed. He closed the door and sat at the edge of his bed. Suho's blond hair shone in the moonlight and he sighed as he stroked the strands. He moved Suho's body to his side of the bed and tucked him under the covers. Jongdae hopped in the bed after he had changed clothes. He tucked himself to Suho's side and laid his head on top of Suho's chest. Before, he'd found comfort in hearing nothing, feeling nothing but the warmth of Suho, but today he wished he could hear even just a tiny thrum. It didn't have to be a heartbeat, all Jongdae wanted was a sign that Suho would wake up when morning came. Jongdae cried himself to sleep that night, cursing whoever it was that allowed this to happen to him. Fingers tangled in Jongdae's hair and a hand pulled him close to a warm and soft surface. He groaned as he nuzzled whoever's chest it was that was in front of him. It took a few seconds before it registered—the fingers tangling in his hair, the warmth that enveloped him and the arm on his waist. Jongdae opened his eyes, bleary and tired from all the crying he did. A few seconds passed before everything became clear. The sun gave Suho a silhouette as he smiled down at Jongdae. Jongdae blinked as he brought a hand to caress Suho's cheeks. It was the first time Jongdae had ever seen Suho smile like that. It felt warmer than the one Suho used to have. It made Jongdae's heart ache, throbbing as it stopped beating for a fraction of a second. "Good morning, Jongdae," his velvety voice whispered and Jongdae couldn't help it as he wrapped his arms around his android. "You're alright," Jongdae muttered, holding Suho tighter and tighter. Tears fell and Jongdae knew he'd probably leave a wet patch on Suho's clothes but he couldn't stop himself. "You're alright," Jongdae kept repeating as he cried. "I am," Suho whispered as he held Jongdae's head and rubbed his back with his free hand. "I'm alright, Jongdae." Jongdae smiled as Suho laughed at the movie they were watching. He leaned his head down on Suho's shoulder, loving the way Suho's arm automatically wrapped around him. The Suho now seemed to have more expressions than the Suho before and it seemed to be the only change since they got back from SM Android Maintenance Center. It wasn't that Jongdae minded it much, he rather liked it. Suho looked less constrained now as he laughed or frowned. He didn’t look like he was having such a hard time expressing himself. Jongdae liked that. "What are you doing?" Suho asked as he peered at Jongdae. Jongdae looked up and found Suho smiling down at him. Jongdae bit his lip. Ever since then, Suho hasn't smiled the way he used to. Right now, the smile Suho gave Jongdae was the same one he had when he woke Jongdae up when they got back from the center. It was softer and kinder, and seemed to be Jongdae's alone. "I was thinking about you," Jongdae answered truthfully as he returned his gaze back to the screen. Jongdae hadn't told Suho the things that could—would—happen to him. He preferred to keep them a secret knowing it wouldn't help the both of them. There was nothing they could do anyway but enjoy the time they had together. "You seem to do that a lot nowadays," Suho commented as he kept his eyes on the screen. Jongdae wrapped his arms around Suho's waist and reveled in the feeling of Suho in his arms. Suho was soft and hard at the same time, his parts protruding like bones in certain areas even if he wasn't too thin. He was always warm, his body never going cold even as the weather began to cool down for winter. Jongdae would miss this when it was gone. Suho's arms wrapped around Jongdae, stroking his hair as he continued to watch the movie. Jongdae fought the tears that threatened to fall. He wasn't going to cry about this. He wasn't going to think about what might happen anymore. Determined, Jongdae strengthened his resolve and took a deep breath. Jongdae didn't have much time left with Suho and so, he was going to make every second count. Jongdae watched as Suho opened the curtains, allowing the moonlight to flood the whole room. "I've always wanted to do that," Suho muttered as he walked back to bed. Jongdae's heart ached at Suho's words, realizing bit by bit how Suho's expressions weren't the only thing limited by his system. Suho crawled to the bed and extended his arm out for Jongdae. He had cheeky smile on his face, one that made Jongdae's toes curl and his stomach churn. Jongdae chuckled as he laid his head on the arm. "Wipe that smile off your face," Jongdae warned with no real threat as he settled into Suho's side. Suho shook his head and gave Jongdae his soft smile. Suho pulled the blanket over them and pulled Jongdae close in his embrace. Suho looked into Jongdae's eyes and Jongdae watched as the moonlight glowed on Suho's skin. Slowly, a frown replaced Suho’s smile. Jongdae bit his lip as he waited for Suho to say something, sensing something was bothering his android. "Jongdae," Suho started as he settled his hand on Jongdae's waist. "What happened to me?" "Nothing." Jongdae shrugged. Something made it hard to continue, but he knew he couldn't tell Suho the truth. "It seems like completing the gaps in your Personalization Panel was all it was.” Jongdae stroked Suho's fringe away from his eyes and caressed his cheeks. His heart skipped a beat when he saw Suho close his eyes and lean in to his touch. "Why can’t I seem to remember much of anything that happened after we watched your favorite movie? Are you sure nothing happened?” Suho asked once his eyes were open. He held Jongdae's hand in his, drawing it closer to his lips so he could plant a soft kiss inside his palm. Jongdae felt his cheeks flame. "You must’ve fallen asleep. We can just watch it again.” Jongdae's throat closed up. “Nothing happened to me?” Suho intertwined their fingers, their skin shining in the moonlight as Suho kept it on his cheek. “Nothing. You’re okay. You’re fine,” Jongdae whispered. He scooted closer to Suho and allowed the hand he was holding to wrap around his shoulders. Suho's fingers played with his skin at the bottom of his hairline. It tickled his nape but he felt oddly comforted. “Then why do you look so sad?” Jongdae swore he could have cried right then and there. But he held it in. He bit his lip, took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He wasn't going to cry, not anymore. “Do I?” Jongdae asked, not knowing how to answer. Suho must've noticed how Jongdae avoided the subject because he didn't answer Jongdae's question. He heard Suho sigh and when he opened his eyes, Suho's face was only centimeters away from his. “Jongdae, do you believe I’m capable of loving?” The question shocked Jongdae. He could barely process the words as Suho's face and his warm eyes made it hard to focus. “Why?” he heard himself ask, glad that his mouth could talk without much help from his brain. “Because I think I love you.” Tears pricked the corners of Jongdae's eyes and his heart hurt. It hurt to even breathe. It felt like someone held onto his heart and wouldn't let go. “You think or you know?” Jongdae closed his eyes as he asked, fighting back the tears he could feel that were bound to fall any second. “That’s unfair," Suho replied as he caressed Jongdae's cheeks, making the latter open his eyes. Jongdae could feel the tears at the edge of his eyes. He hoped Suho wouldn't say anything. "I'm sorry," Suho whispered as he kissed Jongdae's forehead. Jongdae shook his head and let Suho wrap him in his embrace. “Guardian Android Voice Command: Sleep,” he whispered. Just this once, he thought to himself. Enveloped in Suho’s warmth, Jongdae finally let himself cry. Tears soaked Suho's sleep shirt but Jongdae couldn't help himself. "What's unfair is that I love you but you, you're not even sure," he choked out. "Can you believe it?" Jongdeok asked as they ate dinner. "It's been almost a year since we had Suho." "I know!" Jongdae's mother cooed. "Which means, Jongdae's birthday is coming!" "Are you excited, son?" Jongdae's father asked, effectively drawing Jongdae out of the depths of his thoughts. "Yes, I am," Jongdae replied as he forked some food into his mouth. If he were honest, he hadn't even remembered his birthday was coming soon. "Do you want to celebrate, honey?" his mother asked. Jongdae looked up from his food and saw Suho smile at him, the smile that was Jongdae's favorite. "No need, mother," Jongdae responded. "I would love to just spend it with all of you." "Brat!" his older brother commented as he ruffled Jongdae's hair. "Dinner at home with your favorite food should be enough, right, Jongdae?" his father asked and Jongdae nodded, finding comfort in the small talk that went around the dining table. "More than enough, father." "Is there really nothing else you want, honey?" Jongdae shook his head at his mother. He turned to look at Suho, their eyes locking as he replied, "There's nothing else." He saw Suho swallow his food, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. That night, as they lay in bed, Jongdae cradled in Suho's arms, Suho asked him, "What do you want for your birthday?" Jongdae pressed his ear against Suho's chest. No sounds came, it didn't even rise or fall. It was just quiet like it had always been, but Jongdae wanted to remember the way the silence lulled him. "You," Jongdae whispered, enveloping Suho in his arms and committing to memory every little thing there was about this. Suho chuckled as he tightened his hold on Jongdae. "What do you mean, Jongdae?" Jongdae took in the way Suho said his name, always soft like it was a melody that he caressed with his voice. It had always made his breath hitch. Jongdae pulled away from Suho to look into his eyes. One of his hands slid up Suho's back and caressed the back of Suho's head. "You know what I mean, right?" Jongdae answered. He closed his eyes and brought his lips to Suho's ear. "I want you, Suho," Jongdae whispered, his breath fanning Suho's ear and for some reason, Jongdae reveled in his ability to make Suho shiver. Jongdae tucked himself under Suho's chin, pressing his ear against Suho's chest. He could feel Suho's Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed and Jongdae smirked triumphantly. He knew Suho understood. "Good night, Suho," Jongdae whispered, pressing a kiss against Suho's neck. "Good night, Jongdae." When Jongdae was sure Suho was asleep and wouldn't wake up, he went into the bathroom and cried. Because, in that moment, it was clear that the time for Jongdae to let Suho go was coming. one / two / three