wheredreamslast | kyumin; hidden beneath (is a dream called you) (2/2) [Oneshot]

one \ two

Kyuhyun watches the meat sizzle on the grill, slowly burning from red to brown. He pokes it with his chopsticks and sighs, turning away from the food and focusing on his friend in front of him. Changmin smiles at him, amused, with his head resting on his hand.

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. "What're you smiling about?"

Changmin chuckles. "You seem distracted. You've been spacing out since we got here."

Kyuhyun glares at Changmin and eyes his meat instead, turning them before they turn black. From the corner of his eye, he can see Changmin open his mouth but the old lady comes then with their bowls of rice and many side dishes. Kyuhyun graciously thanks her for the food and the distraction she brings.

"So," Changmin begins just as Kyuhyun has a vegetable wrap halfway through his mouth. "You're still not going to tell me what's bothering you?"

Kyuhyun clamps his mouth shut, leaving his food hanging and eyes Changmin. After a few more seconds, he takes his wrap in his mouth and continues to ignore Changmin for the next few minutes. Changmin clicks his tongue but starts eating as well.

Halfway through their food, on their third order of meat, Kyuhyun puts down his half-empty fourth bowl of rice.

"Do you think all dreams have meaning?" Kyuhyun asks seriously. Changmin seems to have swallowed his food wrongly as he coughs a little and grabs for his water.

"What?"

"What what? Just answer the question."

Changmin drinks some water and holds a hand up for Kyuhyun to wait. "If you're asking me then, no. I don't think all dreams have meanings but I definitely think some dreams have meaning. Why? You've been getting prophetic dreams or something?"

Kyuhyun sighs as he sticks some samgyupsal in his mouth. "What? No. I've just been having dreams that keep waking me up at night." Kyuhyun's body tingles as he remembers the warm breath on his face and the voice tickling his ears.

"What's it about? You think it has a meaning?"

Kyuhyun shrugs. "Maybe. That's why I'm asking. I've been having it a lot more recently so maybe it does. It's a lot worse now too."

"How so?" Changmin asks, sounding incredibly concerned. He looks as if he's sizing Kyuhyun up and Kyuhyun realizes that he's no longer wearing the make-up from his musical. He wonders if Changmin can see the thickness under his eyes and the hollows on the sides of his face.

"I didn't have it so frequently before but now I wake up every day early in the morning because of it." Kyuhyun breathes out and lowers his head down to avoid Changmin's examining eyes. The more Changmin will see, the more Changmin will ask and Kyuhyun isn't ready to bare everything to his friend.

"Well, what's it about?" Changmin asks instead, a question Kyuhyun's willing to answer.

Kyuhyun closes his eyes, feels a gush of wind at his nape and says, "It's about a man. I can't see his face or anything but he kisses me and tells me that he loves me." The blurred face of the man flashes before his eyes and his eyes flash open, the dark wooden table greeting him. "A part of me knows who he is, but I can't remember."

"That's kind of really freaky," Changmin comments, shuddering.

"But what do you think it means?" Kyuhyun asks, unexpectedly sounding gravely desperate.

Changmin hums. "I don't know. I think the only way you'll find out is if you figure out who the man is. Who else could be whispering their love for you in your sleep—wait," Changmin cuts himself off. There's a twinkle in his eyes that even the dim lighting of the restaurant can't hide. "What if it's not a dream per say? What if someone's actually out there telling you they love you in their dreams?"

"So you're saying it's like a connection to their dream or something?"

"Yeah! And I might know just who the guy is!"

Kyuhyun’s eyes open so wide that his skin burns from where it stretches. "What? Who?"

"Sungmin hyung," Changmin whispers conspiratorially.

Kyuhyun's so astounded that he doesn't know what to say. He leans back in his chair and stares questioningly at his best friend.

"Sungmin hyung couldn't possibly do that. He's been living with his girlfriend, do you know how awkward that would be?"

Changmin shrugs. "Dreams are dreams. You can't help what you dream of," he points out.

Kyuhyun wants to retort but finds that he doesn't know how to refute Changmin's statement. "Sungmin hyung couldn't possibly love me," he says instead. "Besides, it doesn't really feel like it's a connected dream or something. It feels like it's just mine, you know? Like a normal dream."

Changmin scoffs. "You're either trying to lie to yourself or I hit the spot and you're just trying to change the subject."

Kyuhyun groans. "I'm serious! It really doesn't feel like we share the dream or anything. Besides, if we did I'm sure something between us would have changed, right?"

Changmin opens his mouth and then closes it. "Okay, you have a point. If it's not a shared dream, what is it then?"

Kyuhyun sighs. He closes his eyes and massages his temple. All a sudden the image of Sungmin kissing him, telling him he loves him appears behind his eyelids. His eyes flash open as his fingers grow cold.

"You okay?" Changmin asks when he sees Kyuhyun shake from where he's seated.

Kyuhyun's voice trembles as he says, "What if it's a memory?" He avoids looking into Changmin's eyes but he can feel the weight of his friend's gaze anyway.

"What makes you say that?"

Kyuhyun presses his cold fingertips against his eyelids and tries to relax. "Nothing, I just. I thought I felt something. Like it might be something I may have forgotten but I'm not sure."

"How can you forget someone tell you they love you?"

Kyuhyun laughs, bitter and sad. "There are some things better left forgotten."

Changmin clicks his tongue, three times. "Maybe for you. But for other people, professing their love is an unforgettable moment."

Kyuhyun doesn't reply. He opens his eyes and focuses on finishing his food. He appreciates Changmin's silence despite his occasional glances of concern. He uses the quiet atmosphere to scroll through his memories, those times in the past under warm covers in the chill of the night.

"Are you ever going to tell me what exactly happened between you and Sungmin hyung?" Changmin's quiet voice filters through Kyuhyun's ears, shattering his reminiscing. It takes awhile before he can decipher the question and when it hits him, Kyuhyun's heart skips a beat.

"I—I—" Kyuhyun stammers. He laughs, a desperate attempt to fill the silence between them with something.

Changmin sighs when the silence stretches on. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

Kyuhyun shakes his head with a bitter smile. "I did something I wasn't very proud of, a very stupid thing. Admitting it to someone else is just reliving the pain of the consequences." He's quiet for a moment before he says, "I haven't even admitted it to myself so how can I admit it to other people?"

Changmin looks guilty and concerned at the same time. Kyuhyun raises his hand and orders some Soju.

"Maybe it's time you admitted it to yourself?" Changmin begins. "Maybe it will help with finding out what your dream really means."

"Being honest with myself, huh?" Kyuhyun wonders aloud. "Someone told me to do the same thing recently. It was about my song for the album though."

The old lady brings by the soju then, Changmin accepts them as Kyuhyun stares openly at nothing and anything at the same time. He puts a shot glass in front of Kyuhyun and pours the Soju for him.

Kyuhyun notices the shot glass and takes hold of it, lifting it up to study the clear liquid. "To be honest," Kyuhyun pauses to take a shot. "I don't even know how to begin being honest with myself."

Changmin's laugh surprises Kyuhyun, a truly amused sound. He looks toward his best friend with a puzzled expression.

"Being honest with yourself starts with admitting your wrongs and accepting the consequences of your mistakes." Changmin raises his glass to Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun fills his own again before toasting with Changmin's.

"To being honest," Changmin declares.

Kyuhyun chuckles. "May I finally do it."

They gulp down the alcohol; Kyuhyun feels the burn a lot less since he's had his first shot already. It warms his body enough to loosen his nerves. "One day," Kyuhyun whispers. "I'll be able to tell you what happened between me and Sungmin." He gives Changmin a shaky smile. "But for now, let me just live with the consequences."

Kyuhyun jolts upright, eyes opening wide to the view of his messed up desk. Still a little dazed, he checks the time on his phone and breathes a sigh of relief as the lights display that not a day has passed since he fell asleep. He blinks a few times and tries to decipher what woke him up.

"Kyuhyunnie," Jungsoo's voice filters through the door accompanied by two knocks.

As Kyuhyun's head clears, he gets up and answers the door a little blearily than he'd intended. "Hyung, wassup?"

Jungsoo clicks his tongue but there's a fond smile on his face.

"Sungmin messaged all of us, asked us to gather in the living room. You're the only one we're waiting for."

Kyuhyun checks his notifications and finds the one for Sungmin's message on their group chat. It's the one with the managers' on it and Kyuhyun feels his heart stop for more than a second (he's sure).

"Let's go," Jungsoo urges, watching as Kyuhyun follows him up towards the 12th floor dorm.

Kyuhyun's stomach drops to the floor at the packed sight of the living room. The managers are complete and even Jongwoon, Henry and Zhou Mi are present. This is big news, he thinks.

Kyuhyun takes hesitant steps to the armrest beside Ryeowook, the closest and only vacant space. In front of them, right in the middle, Sungmin stands. When Kyuhyun faces front, he finds a bitter looking smile on Sungmin's face, his eyes seemingly meeting his own. Kyuhyun tries to look away but Sungmin holds his gaze and most likely the air that he breathes. No matter how much he tries, Kyuhyun can't take a breath.

Kyuhyun watches as Sungmin takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and says, "I'm getting married."

For a moment, everything is quiet. Kyuhyun hears nothing, absolutely nothing. But when he takes a deep breath, he hears the whoosh of the wind as he inhales and it sets a chain reaction. The managers all stand up, his ears ringing with the sound of feet scraping the carpeted floor. Jungsoo slaps his hand on the armrest of the couch followed by disbelieving laughter from Heechul. Kyuhyun hears all this, takes it in until all he can hear is ringing. Never-ending ringing.

A lot of the members have stood up. Most of them have frowns on their faces, even Sungmin's closest friends. Ryeowook has long ago left Kyuhyun's side to mutter by Sungmin's side. Everyone looks displeased aside from Henry who has a wide smile on his face and Zhou Mi with his knitted eyebrows as he whispers back and forth with Henry. Kyuhyun backs away from the crowd circling in on Sungmin, their chatter turning from soft whispering echos to nothing.

Kyuhyun's backed up against the wall when someone shouts. He doesn't understand what the person says, can't even decipher who shouted. And just like that, he's brought back into reality.

The murmurs are no longer quiet but loud reprimands. Everyone talks over one another and Kyuhyun suddenly finds himself in the middle of it. Sungmin has his head hung low as Jungsoo interrogates him on one side and Youngwoon and Heechul reprimand him on the other. Hyukjae, Donghae, Donghee and Ryeowook try their best to defend Sungmin who doesn't say anything, but it's obvious from the tight lines on their faces that they're not happy about the situation as well. The rest of the crowd seem divided between happy and disappointed.

"What were you thinking?" Kyuhyun hears someone ask. The voice sounds awfully like Jungsoo but he can't say for sure.

"Don't you think you should have asked permission from the board first?" One of the managers say, Kyuhyun's not too sure who.

"Why now?" Someone from the crowd asks but the voice is too soft for Kyuhyun to decipher.

It isn't until he can't hear the clamor anymore that he realizes that he has the front door of the dorm shut right in front of him. Before he can think about it, he turns away and walks back to the dorm below. He focuses on his feet as they drag themselves into the elevator and only lifts his gaze to watch the doors close. And when they do, he falls down on his knees and takes in all the air Sungmin stole from him. Sungmin's words echo all around him, trapping him in their endless tirade.

I'm getting married.

♪♬ ♪♬

Something soft, like a feather, dusts the apples of his cheeks and it stirs Kyuhyun awake.

"I love you," someone whispers, breath fanning against Kyuhyun's face.

It's a strangely familiar sensation and it forces Kyuhyun to open his eyes. At first, all he sees is a blur and the voice whispers again, "I love you, Kyuhyun."

Kyuhyun blinks several times. The warmth on his cheeks becomes a prominent fixture as the background becomes recognizable. He blinks a few more times and this time, he's greeted by a face.

"Always."

"Sungmin," Kyuhyun croaks out as Sungmin's warm smile greets him.

♪♬ ♪♬

Kyuhyun bolts upright, his breathing coming out in harsh pants and his hands gripping tightly at his blankets. He looks around and finds that he's in his room, the mess of his desk clear as day and the soft rays of dusk filtering through the closed window. He relaxes back into his headboard and feels for his phone somewhere on his bed.

After checking the time, Kyuhyun massages his temples and looks solemnly at the papers on his desk. "What the hell was that?" He asks himself. He scoffs as the memory of his dream becomes clearer and the meaning of everything settles deep into his gut.

Without much thought, he gets up from his bed and walks to his desk. He revives his laptop and reaches for the scattered music sheet. He takes the first page and gives it a sad smile. He can hear the words in his mind that would fit the melody perfectly.

Before the words can leave him, Kyuhyun grabs the pencil laying at the edge of his table and writes them below the notes, softly singing along. He writes them down one by one, feeling his heart break with each word he lets go. He continues to write even as his hand aches and only stops when all the words he needs to let go are on paper.

Kyuhyun looks at the sheets in his hand and jolts back when a wet spot appears on the inch of space at the side of the paper. He presses his fingertips against his cheeks and shakes his head at the wetness he feels. He gives a lonely laugh as he puts the music sheet back on the desk and cradles his head in his hands. Like a bomb breaking a dam, Kyuhyun lets the flood of his tears go.

For the first time in his life, Kyuhyun finally understands what it means to be honest with himself and it hurts. It hurts so bad.

A bang disrupts Kyuhyun's quiet sobs and he hurries in wiping his tears away before unlocking his door. He's about to open it when the intruder forces it open instead and pushes Kyuhyun back to walk in. Kyuhyun looks down to find Ryeowook's messy curls and behind him follows Donghee and Hyukjae. Before they can force themselves inside, Ryeowook closes the door on them and locks it.

"We need to talk," Ryeowook seethes, his voice between a threat and something much much worse. Kyuhyun swallows as he settles onto his bed.

"You need to fix this mess," Ryeowook begins, pacing back and forth. Kyuhyun avoids looking at him and focuses on his toes.

"This is all your fault. Do you even know why Sungmin is doing this? Do you?" Ryeowook screams the last two words and Kyuhyun looks up forcing down a choked sob.

"No! I don't, so please stop screaming at my face. How are you so sure this is my fault? Sungmin can marry his girlfriend for all he wants. Didn't Shindong hyung propose to his girlfriend through our album? What makes this so different?" Kyuhyun pants and he's surprised to find himself on his feet and towering over Ryeowook.

Ryeowook seems unfazed by Kyuhyun's anger, frown lines still marring his face. "Leeteuk hyung thinks it's too early for Sungmin to marry his girlfriend. We're at a point in our career where decisions like these could make or break us. Heechul hyung and Kangin hyung know they haven't been going out for more than a year and think that Sungmin's rushing things too much." Ryeowook's tone has turned to something softer and Kyuhyun relaxes a little as they both take a seat on the bed.

"But because some of us know the real reason Sungmin's marrying his girlfriend, we're also against it." Ryeowooks turns and locks eyes with Kyuhyun, holding his gaze with no intention of letting go. Kyuhyun feels himself whither from the look.

"And the reason is me?"

"The reason is because Sungmin's so in love with you that he thinks the only way he can move on is to marry the girl who's making him happy now."

Kyuhyun's jaw drops as the serious tone Ryeowook has only drives his statement home. Kyuhyun closes his mouth as Ryeowook's words echo in his ears and his dreams play in his mind. The more things makes sense the more Kyuhyun's heart feels like it's tearing apart.

"I can't fix this mess," Kyuhyun whispers, his head falling against his hands.

"Yes you can! You just have to tell Sungmin you're in love with him and he'll break up with his girlfriend." Ryeowook makes it sound so easy but Kyuhyun shakes his head.

"It's not that easy," Kyuhyun almost screams, standing up as anger fills every fiber of his being. "Telling Sungmin my feelings won't change the fact that I hurt him, that I ruined whatever it is we had. Telling him I—I—" he stammers. He takes a deep breath and softens his voice. "Telling him I love him doesn't mean I won't hurt him again."

Ryeowook's eyes widen at Kyuhyun's confession, his eyes a clear window for Kyuhyun to see through. At first Kyuhyun sees anger and then understanding and then pity. Ryeowook closes his eyes and shakes his head.

"And I thought you were finally being honest with yourself."

Kyuhyun sighs as he takes a seat beside Ryeowook. "I am." He smooths out the wrinkles of his face and takes a deep breath. "Sungmin is better off chasing happiness in a fruitful relationship rather than looking for it in something that I can never put a label on."

Kyuhyun can feel Ryeowook's hard look on him rather than see and he lets Ryeowook peel him open with his eyes. Kyuhyun doesn't feel like lying to anyone anymore.

"What are you going to do?" Ryeowook asks after a few minutes of silence, his tone hard and possibly seething.

"I'll tell Sungmin and I'll apologize to him. But I'm also going to wish him happiness on his wedding." Kyuhyun gives Ryeowook a smile. It's hurts his cheeks but he hopes Ryeowook buys it.

When Ryeowook sighs, Kyuhyun knows he doesn't. But he appreciates the pat he gets on his shoulder before Ryeowook walks out of his room. The crowd that gathered in front of his door is now gone but Kyuhyun knows Ryeowook will relay to them all the things that happened in this room. He knows that Ryeowook will leave it to him to finish things.

And Kyuhyun will, once and for all.

"Changmin?" Kyuhyun says over the phone. Changmin laughs from the other end of the line.

"You sound so serious, Kyu. Wassup?"

Kyuhyun feels himself smile, the first one in a while. "I need a favor."

"What is it?"

"It's about my original song, do you think you can do something for me?" Kyuhyun looks at the final draft of his self-composed song. The lyrics are clear, written in black ink instead of lead. Kyuhyun reads the lines under the title.

Music by: Cho Kyuhyun
Lyrics by:

Kyuhyun settles the lyrics in front of him. It's the last song still unrecorded for his solo album and he has the whole day to finish it up. The people in the booth set up the mic, fix the volume and Kyuhyun watches for the cue that tells him they're going to begin. When he spots the thumbs up behind the glass, Kyuhyun puts his headphones on and reads the sheet of paper in front of him.

My Thoughts, Your Memories
Music by: Cho Kyuhyun
Lyrics by: Shim Changmin

Kyuhyun sings like he's never sung before.

"Kyuhyun!" Junghoon calls out from their dressing room. Kyuhyun excuses himself from the coordi noona fixing up his makeup.

"Hyung," Kyuhyun greets, careful not to damage the powders and creams on his face.

"I need you to take a separate car back with me. We're going back to the company right after this." Junghoon looks up from his phone and Kyuhyun spots their numerous schedules for the day.

"Why, what's going on?"

Junghoon grins, his teeth flashing brightly under the dim lights. "The prototype for your album is out."

At first Kyuhyun doesn't understand, but when he does the smile on his face grows wide until he can't stop himself from smiling.

Kyuhyun goes back to getting ready for the music show with the stupid smile still on his face. He keeps the news to himself, deciding to wait until he's seen the album before he tells the members all about it. Even as they pester him for the reason of his smile, he just shakes his head and focuses on the performance they have for the day.

Kyuhyun's in the van with Junghoon at the driver's seat when his phone goes off with KakaoTalk notifications. It's from Super Junior's chat group and it takes a while before Kyuhyun gets what's going on but a screen cap with Sungmin and Saeun's pictures on it makes it all clear.

Saeun's entertainment agency have confirmed Sungmin's dating scandal, is the message that one of the managers says.

It's been weeks since Sungmin has told them about his wedding plans and with Kyuhyun's final album preparations in the works, he hasn't had time to properly react to the situation. Kyuhyun is afraid of the backlash that might happen since he still doesn't know where the members stand about the issue but once he sees Jungsoo's reply, Kyuhyun gives his phone a shaky smile.

Don't worry, Sungmin, we've got your back.

Kyuhyun looks up and stares out of his tinted window, letting his tears fall as more supportive messages pop up. He can’t bear to give his own just yet.

Kyuhyun looks at the album in his hands, reads and double checks all the contents, and smiles at his accomplishment. It almost feels like he's holding a trophy and he turns to the last few pages, the song 'My Thoughts, Your Memories' comes into view and he frowns.

"Junghoon hyung, I have a request," Kyuhyun says in the quiet room, surprising his manager a little.

"What is it?"

"It's about the album. I like it, but do you think you can make my own copy with some minor differences?" Kyuhyun asks.

"If it's something small I think I can help you," Junghoon says.

"I want to add a Thanks To and change this little bit here." Kyuhyun points to the Lyrics by: portion of the page.

"Okay, message me the details and I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks hyung," Kyuhyun whispers, feeling relief settle in his body.

"I really like it though so we can keep the layout for public release."

"Okay, I'll tell them. Wait here while I give the prototype back. We'll go home right after."

Kyuhyun swivels his chair as the door closes. He looks out at the dark sky littered with very little stars. He reads the messages he missed on the group chat and smiles at the supportive messages on them. Sungmin hasn't replied yet and Kyuhyun takes it as an opportunity to give his own.

'No matter what, hyung, we're a family and we'll always support you.'

A lot of the members reply to Kyuhyun's message, agreeing with him and feeling relieved at finally hearing his thoughts on the matter. Kyuhyun reads all these messages and allows them to tape back his heart little by little.

"I'm letting you go," Kyuhyun whispers to his phone as Sungmin's thank you message pops up. "I'm letting you go."

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath as he stares at his phone's Notes app. His fingers settle on the screen's keyboard and he thinks about the words he’s about to type. He feels a little insensitive as he types them and he pauses to reword his thoughts. He thinks of his words—how to go about saying them, before he puts his phone down. He closes his eyes and thinks of better ways to let them go. He thinks and thinks until his brain stops thinking and begins to recall—remembering, reminiscing—everything.
Kyuhyun remembers his dream—the sensation of lips and breath against his skin—before it bleeds into memories.

It starts off warm, happy, and bright. Kyuhyun pictures a smile, hears the rustling of sheets, and feels the softest breath of a confession. He allows a smile to take over his face and feels his body settle into the warmth of those memories. The wetness behind his eyes makes him open them, eyes clouded with emotion he doesn't want to name. He picks up his phone and rubs at his eyes, the memory a soft whisper in his ears.

Kyuhyun types out the first words he can think of. They're not "I'm sorry" like he expects. Not even "I love you" which is his second guess. He starts with something casual, something safe, but also very real.

Ryeowook's voice echoes at the back of his mind, 'Be honest with yourself.' Kyuhyun shakes his head to make it disappear, muttering to himself, "I am."

As Kyuhyun keeps typing, more memories come to his mind, from recent ones to ones from long ago that they almost feel like dreams. They come to him in waves that grow bigger, pulling him in their tide, and slowly but surely drowning him in their pressure.

It isn't until the screen blurs that he realizes tears pool at the edges of his eyes. The words get harder and harder to see but he doesn't stop typing. He lets the tears roll down, mirroring the downhill spiral of his happiness, lets the tear drop onto his screen as the last of his words get typed.

Kyuhyun takes in a shuddering breath as he pictures Sungmin's smile—so soft and beautiful, never anything but. He wipes the tear drops on his phone, half pondering how they'd gotten so many, and then wipes the wetness on his cheeks. He takes a quick read of what he's written, and before his fingers can give in to the urge of deleting everything, he sends the message to his manager.

He adds a quick follow up message, in case his manager thinks the letter's for him. It reads like it's for anyone, with no names or anything. Kyuhyun wants it that way so anyone who takes a look won't know who it's for.

From: Junghoon Manager Hyung
Got it! Don't worry. I didn't read it. Will make sure no one does. ;)

Kyuhyun sends in a quick thank you even though deep down, he is more than just grateful. He is so thankful that he feels like crying again. He desperately tries to hold them back but when he thinks of Sungmin's smile, imagines hearing his voice in his ears, they continue to fall without restraint.

'This will be the last time.'

The announcement for Sungmin's wedding comes out faster than the members expected. Just a few weeks before Kyuhyun's album announcement and Kyuhyun watches as Sungmin finds himself under the scrutiny of fans all over the world.

Everyone does their best to do damage control and at the same time be there for Sungmin. Sungmin spends the rest of his days in the dorm rather than the apartment he's practically sharing with his girlfriend. Kyuhyun hasn't seen Sungmin home this long in a while.

"Kyuhyun," one of the managers call out as they discuss the next course of events. Due to the scandal, everyone's gathered in one of the dorms. The managers are on their phones acting as mediators between the board and the group. Sungmin sits in the middle of it all apologizing repeatedly, eyes swollen and body slumped over.

"I'm sorry," the manager says. "We're gonna have to push back your album announcement. We wanted to do it sooner but we think we need to let this scandal blow over first. If we make an announcement now things might not look too good for you guys."

A part of Kyuhyun has expected this outcome and it's this part that lets him calmly nod at his manager's words.

"Thanks, Kyu," Jungsoo says as he catches the conversation and Kyuhyun offers him a rueful smile.

"No problem, hyung. Anything I can do to help."

A part of him is in pain, unbelieving that he's the victim of this mess, that his career suffers because of Sungmin's mistake. But then Ryeowook's words echo in his mind, that this was his fault and he realizes he has no reason to feel such despair.

I brought this upon myself, Kyuhyun thinks.

They spend the rest of the night doing damage control and by the time things are over, fatigue has Kyuhyun falling asleep on the couch of the 12th floor dorm. The weight of another person beside him wakes him up and Kyuhyun looks to his side to find a puffy faced Sungmin, his eyes red and wet and very guilty.

"I'm sorry," Sungmin croaks out, his fingers gripping the fabric of the couch tightly. "They told me about your album and I'm so sorry." Sungmin cries, his sobs breaking his apology and Kyuhyun's heart aches as he takes Sungmin into his arms.

"Hyung," Kyuhyun whispers. "You have nothing to be sorry about." Kyuhyun feels like a thorn is stuck in his throat and it makes it hard to speak but he ventures on. "As long as you don't regret your decision, then you have nothing to be sorry about."

Kyuhyun feels Sungmin's grip on the fabric of his shirt tighten and Sungmin sobs his eyes out for the last time that night.

"I'm sorry, hyung," Kyuhyun whispers, his apology clouded over by Sungmin's cries.

Kyuhyun finds himself in the company one early November morning. It's cold in the air-conditioned room and he rubs his gloved hands together for some friction. When the door opens to the conference room, Kyuhyun turns around to find Lee Sooman and Kim Youngmin with his manager.

"We're making the announcement of your solo album so we wanted you to come with us to our media room," Youngmin says in lieu of of a greeting. Sooman claps him on the back as they walk out of the conference room.

"I got your album already. I'll give it to you in the car," Junghoon whispers to him by his side as they take the elevator to the media room.

Kyuhyun finds himself greeted by staffs on phones and computers, ready to release official statements about Kyuhyun's solo album. They give him a hearty greeting and Kyuhyun bows in gratitude.

"Here," Sooman says as he hands Kyuhyun his own album, taking one for himself and Youngmin. "Let's take a photo to commemorate this event," he says, motioning for someone to take their picture. Junghoon volunteers, accepting phones offered to him by Sooman and Kyuhyun. Another staff comes out with a DSLR and takes their photo as well.

"You can keep that album," Sooman whispers by Kyuhyun's ears with a wink. Kyuhyun tries not to read into the action.

"Now, if Kim Youngmin-ssi would be so kind to do the honors," Sooman says, his tone slightly teasing.

"On the count of three," Youngmin says with a bored tone.

"One," the staff begins to counts.

"Two," Kyuhyun joins in.

"Three!"

It doesn't take long before Kyuhyun's phone vibrates nonstop with messages and notifications of congratulations. He smiles warmly at his phone before focusing on the cheers and congratulations of the staff all around him. They spend a few more minutes with the staff, accepting their welcome and congratulations before deciding to go back to the dorm.

Kyuhyun's in the car when his phone vibrates one last time. He brings out his phone and smiles sadly at the message displayed.

Sungmin hyung
Congratulations, Kyuhyun. I'm so proud of you.

It's a private message and it's the first one in a long time. Kyuhyun screenshots it before he can think otherwise.

"Here's your album," Junghoon says as they stop at a red light.

Kyuhyun takes the album in his hands, still wrapped in plastic, like the one he put in his bag. He opens it carefully, turns the pages to the end and smiles in relief at the changes made.

"Thanks, Junghoon hyung."

As soon as Kyuhyun gets home, he goes into his room and takes out his black sharpie. On the last page, he writes 'To: Sungmin'.

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath as he settles into the seat of the van. His schedule for the day has just ended and Kyuhyun isn't too excited about getting into his tuxedo just yet. His phone continues to come alive every minute with excited messages and pictures of his members getting ready for the wedding.

Kyuhyun wishes he could take a detour, tell his manager to stop by somewhere else and skip the whole wedding entirely but he knows it's too late. Junghoon parks the car at the wedding hall and Kyuhyun exits the van with his tuxedo at hand. He greets the members as they pass each other in the halls but Kyuhyun makes sure to avoid Sungmin throughout the whole thing.

Ryeowook directs him to the empty dressing room where a coordi noona has just left. "Call for me if you need your hair or makeup fixed," Ryeowook says as he closes the door.

"Thanks," Kyuhyun replies as he settles his things along with the other members'. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and gets ready for the wedding.

By the time he steps out of the room, the hallways are already empty as music begins to play in the wedding hall. He takes a look around before diving back into the room. He takes quick steps to his bag, grabs the album with the small red ribbon on it and puts it behind his thick coat.

Kyuhyun gets a message from some of the members, asking him where he is. He makes his way through the large hall and hides in the corner, shadows hiding him from the eyes of the people. He replies once he's settled and waits for the bridal song to play. Before he turns his phone off, he makes sure to send one last message.

To: Sungmin hyung
Hyung, can you meet me at the hallway by the dressing rooms when you're free? It doesn't matter what time, I'll wait for you.

Kyuhyun pockets his phone and watches as Sungmin looks to the door and waits for the bride to walk in. A part of him wishes Sungmin would look a little to the right but he knows it's too late for that. When the bridal song plays, Kyuhyun closes his eyes and lets the tears fall.

When the pastor finally says, "I now pronounce you man and wife," Kyuhyun stands up from where he's seated and walks out of the banquet hall. The cheers soften when he reaches the hall he came from. He wipes his tears as he relaxes into one of the seats farthest from the garden where the reception will take place. He checks the time on his phone and waits for Sungmin, knowing he'll come no matter what.

It's been hours since the wedding ended and Kyuhyun has resorted to not counting the hours after the first two passed. The reception still seems to be in full swing from the faint music he hears through the openings surrounding the hall. A part of him has lost hope that Sungmin will come and it's that part that makes him get up on his feet, ready to leave. He has just turned back when footsteps clack against marbled floors.

Kyuhyun turns around to find an out of breath Sungmin, his black hair shining and his cheeks flushed from the little exercise.

"I'm sorry," Sungmin pants as he walks closer to Kyuhyun. "I couldn't exactly leave the party for me just like that," he jokes. Kyuhyun musters the strength to smile.

"It's okay. I promise I won't take up a lot of your time." Kyuhyun takes the album out of his jacket and hands it to Sungmin.

"What's this?" Sungmin asks, a bewildered look on his face. "You do know I already have your album, right?"

"I know, but this is different. I had it made different from the rest of the albums released. This one's just for you," Kyuhyun manages to say even though the words get caught in his throat.

Kyuhyun watches as Sungmin's fingers tremble as he unties the knot, slowly opening the album and landing on the last page where instead of the credits, Sungmin finds a 'Thanks to' dedicated just for him.

"What's this?"

"It's everything I've ever wanted to tell you," Kyuhyun whispers, his voice breaking as he tries his best not to let his tears sabotage his confession.

"I—" Sungmin starts to say but Kyuhyun cuts him off.

"I'm sorry, Sungmin," Kyuhyun gives Sungmin a sad smile. "I'm sorry for everything I ever did, for hurting you and for destroying the friendship we had. For everything. I know it was inexcusable and nothing I do or say will ever change what happened between us. But I want you to know, that despite everything I did—despite my stupidity—I really and truly love you." Kyuhyun's breath catches in his throat and he swallows, trying to get his airways to work right. He lifts his gaze and his heart stops at the tears sliding down Sungmin's face. Kyuhyun steels his heart, takes a deep breath and knows there's no going back from his decision.

"And it's because I love you that I wish you all the best in your marriage. Find happiness, Sungmin. Find the happiness you could never and will never find with me." Without thinking too much about it, Kyuhyun takes those few steps towards Sungmin, holds him by the face and kisses his forehead.

"Always," Kyuhyun whispers, lips brushing against Sungmin's fringe. He turns away then, walks out of the hall and waits until only silence becomes his companion.

Kyuhyun stumbles into a wall, sliding down to the floor and cries out. He shouts as loud as he can, his voice echoing back to his ears, locked in this hall alone for only his ears to hear. He shouts and cries until his voice comes out hoarse and his eyes sting from so much tears. It hurts. Kyuhyun doesn't think it will ever get better, but he knows with time it will. Things always heal with time. But Kyuhyun knows he can never love anyone like he loved Sungmin.

Always.

Kyuhyun cries for the last time, promises himself that this is the last time.

Sungmin's feet move of their own accord, taking those small steps to where Kyuhyun disappeared to. He finds himself stopping just by the arch to another empty hall. Kyuhyun's feet echo in the large space but little by little Sungmin can hear his sniffling until they turn into cries. Sungmin clutches the album close to his heart as he hides in the shadows, feeling his own tears resurface.

Sungmin remembers the wetness he felt against his hair from where Kyuhyun's cheeks touched them as he held him. He thinks how it isn't his imagination now as he hears Kyuhyun cry his heart out, his voice echoing so loudly through the halls. He feels his heart break with every cry, every sob Kyuhyun lets go. Kyuhyun's muttering something under his breath, something he can't decipher and it only strengthens the urge to approach the younger. He badly wants to walk to where Kyuhyun is and wrap his arms around him and tell him that it's okay. But Sungmin stops himself before he can, holds tightly onto the album in his hands and keeps his feet planted firmly on the ground.

"This is the last time," Sungmin hears Kyuhyun say through muffled cries, the words echoing behind the wall.

Sungmin chokes on his sob as he slides down the wall, trying his best to hold himself. The rest of Kyuhyun's tirade comes back to him, his confession, his apology—everything. Sungmin feels like a knife has stabbed him straight in his heart and he cries as quietly as possible, allowing Kyuhyun's cries to overpower his own. It is then that he remembers the album, the letter he'd found. He hopes that this letter can help him decide what to do next.

Sungmin hurries to turn to the last page, breathing ragged as he takes in the black ink of his name. Still, he smiles fondly at the large handwritten 'To: Sungmin' that Kyuhyun's written. His eyes blur a little and he furiously wipes the tears away so he can carry on reading.

I find myself thinking about the morning when you told me you loved me—it was the first and last time. In all honesty, I didn't think I'd even remember it. You told me when I was half-asleep and I thought it was all just a dream. It wasn't until a little later that I realized it was real... Much later...

It's too late to say this now but I want you to know that I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. In all the years that we spent together, but at the same time not really, I loved you then. In all the years we have spent apart because of my cowardice—in all the years after—I love you still. This might mean nothing to you now, but getting to finally admit this to myself—and to you—has made me breathe easier, opened my eyes a lot wider and allowed me to live a little better. I guess you feel a little cheated, huh? I am assuming this because I used to know you best. But I’m begging you, don't feel this way, because I don't deserve your feelings. I never did and I never will.

You might not want to hear or see this, but I need to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all those years I played with your heart, disregarded your feelings and stepped on them when you least expected. I'm sorry that I ruined whatever we had, that I pushed you to the brink of desperation and made you believe happiness could no longer be found because you thought you found it in me.

There are many things I regret, many things I wish I could do over but it's too late for that now. I'm sorry I never told you I loved you when it mattered and I'm sorry that I can't open my arms to you anymore. Not because of the situation, not because I don't love you anymore, but because I will hurt you over and over again even if you come back and forgive me. I can never put a name on what we had, on what we could have. I can't offer you that kind of happiness—satisfaction—you deserve.

All I can offer you is this. This album, this thanks to and "My Thoughts, Your Memories". If you look at the song now, you'll see that I wrote it. I want you to know that every note, every line, everything about this song was written with you in mind. This whole album was made just for you. This isn't nearly enough as an apology, thanks, and a profession of love—but this is all I'm good for.

I love you. I will always love you.

Sungmin breathes in, his breath coming in like a gasp before he sobs. His sobs start out soft, muffled in his hands, until he can't keep them to himself anymore. He cries harder, turning into wails that could rival Kyuhyun's crying on the other side of the wall.

Sungmin imagines a future with Kyuhyun in that moment. He imagines taking Kyuhyun's hand, telling him they're worth the risk and disappearing from this world that's tearing them apart. He imagines going to a country where they're barely known, imagines owning a house with Kyuhyun, going home to this man and waking up in the same bed. He imagines the smile Kyuhyun would have on his face when their eyes open. He imagines the I love yous in the morning and in the night, the I love yous every minute of every day. Sungmin imagines and imagines until Kyuhyun shouts, so loud and so broken, like he's lost everything. Sungmin's dreams shatter right before his eyes as he opens a tear-filled gaze towards his album, now wet and wrinkled.

Kyuhyun's cries have calmed down, and Sungmin listens for something—anything. Kyuhyun hiccups, but Sungmin isn't sure if Kyuhyun's still crying. There's a clack of shoes; they echo in the hallway before they fade away. Sungmin takes a deep breath and waits until he can't hear anything anymore. He gets up on shaky legs and looks at the hall Kyuhyun just exited.

There is no one there, just as Sungmin expected. There is no trace of Kyuhyun at all. Sungmin looks at the opening from which he knows Kyuhyun went through.

"If I follow you," Sungmin begins. He looks at his album, remembers Kyuhyun's words and swallows. "You're gonna hurt me again and again." He mulls over the words and lets them sink in before turning his back on the opening. Sungmin closes his eyes as he takes one step forward back where he came from.

When Sungmin looks up, the bright lights of the garden are the first thing he sees. The number of guests has greatly decreased and he can see his bride, Saeun, smiling brightly as a few more bid their goodbye. Sungmin hurriedly wipes the tears away from his eyes, fixes his appearance to the best that he can and gives the album—the letter—one more longing look before hiding it behind his jacket.

He can almost hear Kyuhyun's words as he walks back to his—now—wife. It's almost as if Kyuhyun's right behind him, whispering his letter in his ears. Sungmin pretends it's the cold winter night that makes him shiver.

"This isn't nearly enough," Sungmin hears the whispers of the wind.

Sungmin puts on a brave smile, a little painful on the corners of his lips and thinks, It’s enough, Kyuhyun. It is.

"Kyuhyun," someone whispered in a singsong manner.

Kyuhyun scrunched his eyes but refused to open them. His body still ached from the activities of last night and all he wanted to do was sleep some more. The body beside his chuckled and Kyuhyun ignored the sound as he pulled the warm person closer.

Fingers played with the tip of his hairs on his nape and soft hair tickled the smooth skin of his chin. The sensation kept his mind half awake and paying attention to the surroundings.

"Are you awake, Kyuhyunnie?" Sungmin's voice whispered against his throat, his lips brushing against Kyuhyun's Adam's apple.

Kyuhyun didn't bother replying and just waited for what Sungmin had to say. Sungmin pulled back from Kyuhyun's embrace and settled his hands on Kyuhyun's cheeks. He stroked the soft skin, a relaxing gesture that almost lulled Kyuhyun back to sleep.

"This is my chance," Sungmin whispered as he drew a little closer. "I love you, Kyuhyun," he breathed. Kyuhyun's mind processed the confession but he couldn't open his eyes to take the confession in properly, they were so heavy. Sungmin leaned in then, his breath warming Kyuhyun's face, rubbing their nose together before pecking Kyuhyun on the lips. "I'll always love you."

"Even if you can't hear me, I'm happy that I at least got to tell you," Sungmin sighed as he wrapped Kyuhyun's arm around him.

Kyuhyun finally opened his eyes then, eyesight blurred at first but clearing to find Sungmin's face inches away from his own. Sungmin, on the brink of falling asleep again, looked beautiful under the early morning glow coming from the window. Kyuhyun focused his gaze on Sungmin's lips as they mouthed, "Always."

Kyuhyun closed his eyes again, held Sungmin close and smiled.

a/n: First, I’d like to thank Agent Yuna (

mara_ciro), Biscuit 007 (

kalopsia), Red Panda (

daeseol), Lone Devil 1 (

cassiem312), J.D Vector Slice (

slashedsilver), and Danger Eagle 6 (

naladot) who gave me all the help they could offer. From the bottom of my heart, really and truly thank you. For our wonderful Agent Porcupine (

horrours) who encouraged us and had fun with us, you da best! To everyone in #TeamSpy, thanks for the unforgettable bonding, let’s continue to be friends even after this challenge!

Second, Happy 9th Debut Anniversary Kyuhyun! What better gift than to repost this fic hahahahaha It's rude but I honestly kind of forgot his debut anniv was tonight... I was editing this when I remembered and thought to hell with it.

Third, I don't know if Junghoon's there manager anymore but he's the only one I know so he's still there. Hahaha please forgive. I've been inactive in fandom for a long time /o\ I also wrote this before Fluttering India came out so any inaccuracies between kyuline interactions... i cannot really be held responsible. sarreh. until now I've only seen 1 ep... so please don't be too harsh on me.

Fourth, This is also not my last kyumin fic! I'm thinking of writing 1/2 more so if you saw my padlet just calm down.

Fifth, cut title belongs to Kyuhyun's My Thoughts, Your Memories hue. it fits right right rIGHT? *____*

Ok. I'm out. I'll do a better author's notes on Tumblr when i link it on my fic blog~

questions? ask.fm. twitter. flavors.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I AM TAKING THIS SPOT JUST BC. ~~proper comment l8r hihi~~

first and foremost.. i haven't read any kyumin fics since the marriage announcement, and now, i'm reading this like, hell what a perfect description as to how kyu felt during those times omg ;u;

and then these:

"Being honest with yourself starts with admitting your wrongs and accepting the consequences of your mistakes."

what i like about you, is you don't just write fanfictions, you also try to give your readers a glimpse of reality, which may be contrary to the term fanfiction lol. not all writers can do that, so that makes you a really talented one :) ~~i'm not saying this bc we're friends, i'm saying this bc it's true~~ you make sure your readers will perceive something, aside from feels, after reading your fics.

"The reason is because Sungmin's so in love with you that he thinks the only way he can move on is to marry the girl who's making him happy now."

"I'm letting you go," Kyuhyun whispers to his phone as Sungmin's thank you message pops up. "I'm letting you go."

~~i'm too incoherent so sorry if i'm responding with gifs~~

He thinks and thinks until his brain stops thinking and begins to recall??—remembering, reminiscing—everything. Kyuhyun remembers his dream—the sensation of lips and breath against his skin—before it bleeds into memories.

quite funny, bc it reminds me of a boyzone song lol (i forgot the title heol)

"I'm sorry, Sungmin," Kyuhyun gives Sungmin a sad smile. "I'm sorry for everything I ever did, for hurting you and for destroying the friendship we had. For everything. I know it was inexcusable and nothing I do or say will ever change what happened between us. But I want you to know, that despite everything I did—despite my stupidity—I really and truly love you." Kyuhyun's breath catches in his throat and he swallows, trying to get his airways to work right. He lifts his gaze and his heart stops at the tears sliding down Sungmin's face. Kyuhyun steels his heart, takes a deep breath and knows there's no going back from his decision.

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR LINES FROM BC THEY ARE HURTING MY SOUL ~~i tweeted this lol~~

Sungmin imagines a future with Kyuhyun in that moment. He imagines taking Kyuhyun's hand, telling him they're worth the risk and disappearing from this world that's tearing them apart. He imagines going to a country where they're barely known, imagines owning a house with Kyuhyun, going home to this man and waking up in the same bed. He imagines the smile Kyuhyun would have on his face when their eyes open. He imagines the I love yous in the morning and in the night, the I love yous every minute of every day. Sungmin imagines and imagines until Kyuhyun shouts, so loud and so broken, like he's lost everything. Sungmin's dreams shatter right before his eyes as he opens a tear-filled gaze towards his album, now wet and wrinkled.

and, finally,

your note:

Fourth, This is also not my last kyumin fic! I'm thinking of writing 1/2 more so if you saw my padlet just calm down.

YAYYY!!! i'm anticipating that!

p.s. I HATE YOU
p.p.s. you know i'm being sarcastic, right?

TBH IM SO SPEECHLESS WITH YOUR COMMENT. the first time i read it i was just blown away. i really loved everything you said about my fic and it means so much to me that you even took the effort to look for GIFs haha i know this reply is sooooooo late but yeah here it is.

i'm not saying this bc we're friends, i'm saying this bc it's true
LOOOOOL I'm really touched and flattered that you think that way about me. although I do believe i have a bit of a long way to go as an author but your belief in my capabilities is just really WOW. THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR LINES FROM BC THEY ARE HURTING MY SOUL
from my heart yo lol but #realtalk yeah? i mean where else can i get them? i mean i've also been hurt before so i kind of know what it feels like and i try to incorporate that in writing as much as possible /o\

THAT ANNE HATHAWAY GIF FOR THE SUNGMIN SCENE AAAAHHHH PERFECT When I saw that I wanted to cry hahaha

p.s. I HATE YOU
p.p.s. you know i'm being sarcastic, right?
WEH WEEEEEH?
haha i know. love you bb

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE EMOTIONS YOU POURED INTO THIS FIC AND THIS COMMENT I APPRECIATE IT A HELL OF A LOT!!! /huggles

This is absolutely amazing and god...i havent read kyumin fics in so long after everything thats happened
And this
This was just perfect and i cried so much
Ugh
I love how raw it is
Your writing is really really amazing
Thank you for sharing this with us and making me feel all these /emotions/

Aaaahh I'm so glad you gave this a chance and thank you so much for your kind words and compliments. That really means a lot to me. I hope all the emotions felt were worth it ♥

also here are some tissues for your tears
and here's a hug

kyumin; hidden beneath (is a dream called you) (2/2) [Oneshot]

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