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wheredreamslast2013-06-21 11:45 pm
darkyulate) wrote in wheredreamslast2013-06-21 11:45 pm
Entry tags:
Save Me [Oneshot]
Title: Save Me
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: D.O./Kai
Summary: Life has always been cruel to Kim Jongin. He’s not expecting it to change.
Author's Note: Originally posted here for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
kpop_olymfics.
Prompt Used: Epik High - Don't Hate Me
⋆ ⋆ ⋆
a/n: There are so many people I would like to thank because I pestered a lot of people to go over this story because I wasn't so sure with this. Again thank you Team AU for tolerating my irritating tweets over this. I intended for this to be longer but then I typed the ending and I was like, oh that fits and then I kind of lost it because I ended it. But it seems like things worked out for the better. :) This story was inspired by 'The Blind Slide' starring Sandra Bullock :)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: D.O./Kai
Summary: Life has always been cruel to Kim Jongin. He’s not expecting it to change.
Author's Note: Originally posted here for
kpop_olymfics. Prompt Used: Epik High - Don't Hate Me
Home. Home. Home.
Jongin wants to go home.
But I don't have a home.
Cold. Cold. Cold.
But I seriously need a place to stay for the night.
Jongin sighs as he sits down on the bench conveniently placed on the side of the road, rubs his hands together and blows on them. He has nowhere to go. The last family that took him in kicked him out.
What am I going to do?
He buries his head in his hands and rubs his face trying to keep it warm and so the tears that threaten to fall won't.
I can't cry. I mustn't cry.
But all he wants to do is curl up into a ball and cry because he's never felt more alone in his life.
He curls into a ball because it's cold and not because he wants to cry, or at least that's what he convinces himself to think. He rests his head on the hard wooden bench and turns so that he's facing the back rest and closes his eyes.
Jongin dreams of failed foster homes, dark alleys on the dangerous side of the city, and dangerous people all coaxing him to join them in their illegal acts. He runs. He's running and he doesn't know what he's running away from. And then he's trapped and there are dark shadows everywhere crowding around him with creepy smiles and creepy voices.
"No one will love you."
"You're a waste of space."
"Your own mother didn't love you, what makes you think anyone will?"
No. Please stop.
"You're disgusting."
"Die, you little piece of shit."
No, no, please stop. Stop! Please stop!
"Stop!" Jongin screams sitting up from the bench and finds himself covered in cold sweat and the air is still cold and he's all alone. He's still so very alone.
Jongin takes a moment to regain his breathing. It's still dark and the sun doesn't look like it's about to rise anytime soon. He wonders if the school is open. He wishes he had a watch so he'd know. He shivers as a particularly cold wind breezes past him and he feels as if he's frozen into position. He tries to get up so he can at least warm his body.
With much effort, Jongin is able to get off the bench although his limbs still feel frozen. He can barely walk but he braves the cold and makes his way to school. A place where he can keep warm and maybe shower. One of the reasons why he still goes.
Jongin arrives at school and is just in time for the opening of the school gates. He makes his way past the empty hallways, down the flight of stairs and inside one of the dance studios.
He lies down on the dirty floor and enjoys the warmth of the room.
It feels like home.
He gets up from the floor and looks around the room for the stacks of CDs. He finds a mix he particularly likes and places it in the audio system. The speakers blare the tune. It's a slow beat at first but Jongin is already moving his legs, moving his arms and his fingers. The beat is reaching a peak and it's starting to grow faster, the bass is beating down on Jongin's ears and he can feel his whole body move to the rhythm.
Jongin vaguely remembers learning how to dance back when there were kind enough volunteers to help out in the orphanage. The dance teacher was fond of Jongin and Jongin vaguely remembers wishing the man would adopt him. But the man could only offer him free dance classes and Jongin took what he could get.
When Jongin finishes his routines, his body is sore from being made to move despite its once frozen state but a small smile is on his face. It was always something dancing had given Jongin. Even when Jongin had nothing, he would always have dancing.
He wipes the sweat on his forehead and proceeds to the shower room so the other kids won't spot him. The shower is warm on his skin and Jongin wishes he could have the leisure of basking in it but he can't because the other students are coming. He hurries up in cleaning himself and hurries in dressing himself. He doesn't frown anymore at the idea of reusing dirty clothes despite the fact that he's already cleaned himself. At this point, he's just glad he still has something to wear.
It doesn't smell too bad.
He sighs because it will have to do since he doesn't have the money to clean the other clothes he has in his backpack (which is just a shirt and jeans and an excuse for a jacket). He walks to his room and finds a few students eyeing him.
Don't mind them.
They're probably wondering why you've been wearing the same clothes for the past week. His subconscious tells him.
Don’t think about it.
He makes his way to the classroom where the whisperings begin and he knows his classmates are talking about him.
Jongin wants this to stop, wants to stop going to school but he can't because he is learning, he's studying and this is the only place where he can dance.
Jongin doesn't participate in class much. He tried once but that ended up in him being laughed at. He gave up a long time ago and now he just sits at the back of the room, taking notes and glaring at whoever manages to look his way.
He had learned if you looked scary enough people would stay away from you and so he toughened up his facial features, he stopped smiling almost altogether and learned how to fight back. He doesn't show signs of fear even though deep inside he's screaming, running away and wishes everything would stop. Some people get scared enough because of the rumors that have spread about him, most however want to test out what he can do.
Jongin's glad he learned how to punch from one of the most dangerous people on the wrong side of the city so even if he's scared out of his wits, he can punch someone unconscious. Most of the people he beats up learn to stay away, some just keep coming back. It is usually them that haunt Jongin in his nightmares.
When classes are over, Jongin checks the arts department for a free dance studio and when he finds none, he proceeds to the library so he can do some homework. He's not the brightest student, but he's good enough and that's what's important.
I have to do this. I can do this. I need to pass. A good education will take me away from this.
The light blinds him and Jongin blinks to try and focus his eyes. He rubs them and realizes he fell asleep while studying. He looks at his completed work and relaxes a little, at least he finished. He looks to the side and sees the librarian smiling sadly at him.
"I'm really sorry to say this but we're closing and you're going to have to leave if you don't want to be locked in the school." The librarian looks apologetic but Jongin knows not to fall for it. He gets up and gathers his things dumping them in his locker and checks the school clock.
There is still an hour and a half before school closes.
Jongin heads to the now empty dance studios and enters one. He never goes to school without dancing first and he never leaves without dancing. He finds that he's able to work better in school if he dances. Mostly because the stress of the day has been danced away.
Jongin picks a mix that's a little slow and a little sad. His moves match the melody, fluid movements with each tune and the sway of his arms and expression on his face so close to the emotion the song pours out. He tries not to cry as the melody touches his heart.
He pants as he finishes, facing his sweaty self in the mirror. He shakes his head and sprays sweat all over the place. The next song plays and the beat is still slow but angry as if threatening. Jongin starts to move his body. All sharp and precise steps as if he's aiming a punch or strategizing a fight.
By the time Jongin finishes pouring his heart out through dancing, he only has a few minutes left before the school closes and so he scrambles to the shower room and rushes in cleaning himself.
Jongin exits the building just in time. He looks back as he walks away from the only semblance of home he's had. He desperately wishes he could stay over but school regulations forbid him. He turns away and walks forward. He doesn't know where he'll go and maybe he'll just sleep on the bench.
The winter air is cold and harsh and Jongin finds himself back on the bench. He sarcastically smiles as he sits down staring at the stars above.
Life has always been cruel to Jongin. From the day he was born up until now. He no longer feels pain or sadness or maybe he's just numb from the cold. He shrugs off his coat and wears the extra dirty clothes in his backpack because it's unexpectedly cold tonight. He lies down on the bench using the same position from last night and wonders if he'll wake up tomorrow.
A small smile forms on his lips at the thought of death. Jongin had never really liked the idea of killing himself but death is knocking at his doors and he's tired and he's cold.
The wind blows.
No one will notice if I die.
There is something warm on his face. There is someone talking to him but he can't make out the words. There is some muffled shouting as the wind blows and then he is being lifted up from the bench.
It's really cold.
"Mom! What do I do?! He won't stop shivering?" Jongin barely hears as something slightly warm envelops his body.
Who are you?
"Honey, do you think we can make it to the hospital?" The voice is distant and hysterical.
Hospital? What's going on?
"It's too far. We might end up being stranded in the blizzard." Another voice.
"Mom, he's so cold." The first voice says and it's so soft that it barely registers in Jongin's mind.
It's so cold and yet...
"Kyungsoo, try your best to keep him warm. Think of anything you can do."
"It's going to be okay." Jongin hears the first voice whisper as something incredibly warm envelops him. He sighs and leans into the warmth. He has never felt like this before.
Warm.
When Jongin stirs, there is a heavy feeling looming all over his body. He has a minor headache and despite the warmth that's creeping into his body, he can't help but shiver. It feels like he has a fever. He doesn't open his eyes, only squeezes them tight so he can will the headache away. Someone is cooing him and he's being pulled into something warmer and he sighs.
"Shhhh just go back to sleep." A deep voice whispers and Jongin does just that.
The next time Jongin wakes up he feels a bit better than the last time. He still feels the remnants of a fever but his headache is gone. When he opens his eyes, he finds himself face to face with a pale looking boy just about his age with wide eyes and puffy lips with a small smile on his face.
Jongin makes to push the boy away but finds that this boy has his arms around him.
"It's okay. Don't worry. I won't hurt you." The boy says rubbing his warm hands on Jongin's bare back. Jongin's eyes widen at his realization. He's only wearing boxers. He pulls the warm and heavy comforter off of them and finds the other boy to be just in his boxers as well.
The boy has the decency to flush a little at the exposure and scrambles out of bed to put some clothes on as he pulls the comforter back on Jongin who is a little at a loss for words with the situation.
"I'm really sorry about the circumstances." The boys says while blushing as he tugs on his shirt. He sits back on the edge of the bed and tucks Jongin comfortably in the blankets. "You were shivering really badly and no matter how many blankets we wrapped you in you just couldn't seem to get warm. We even wiped you with a warm cloth and it worked for a while but then you went back to shivering. I finally decided to use body heat because I read somewhere it was the best solution."
Jongin nods a bit because his mind is still hazy with the fever and he's still too weak to respond with much movement. The boy smiles at him and Jongin closes his eyes because he's still tired, he realizes.
Jongin opens his eyes feeling lighter than he's ever been. He thinks about his dream of a boy with wide eyes and pale skin whose body was warm against his. He blushes at the memory because he subconsciously wanted to pull that warmth so close to him he'd never let go. He had never been so comfortable in his life. He turns on the bed and bolts upright.
Why am I on a bed? Where am I?
He pulls the blankets off of him and realizes he's wearing clothes. A sigh of relief escapes his lips but then he panics because he's not on a bench and the clothes he's wearing are not his. He is just about to run out of the room when the boy from his dreams enter with a tray of medicine and water.
The boy closes the door and notices Jongin standing by the bed with a confused expression. He looks taken aback but quickly recovers and sets the tray down the desk beside the bed.
"Oh, you're awake." He says smiling walking towards Jongin who is stunned into immobility. He takes Jongin's hand into his and sits him down on the bed. He takes the thermometer from the tray and sticks it into Jongin's mouth. "I'm Kyungsoo."
"My family and I rescued you the other day from the bench you were sleeping on. There was a blizzard and the snow was falling really hard. We really thought you weren't going to make it." Kyungsoo explains as Jongin finally nods in understanding realizing that his dreams may have not been dreams at all. "It seems that your temperature has gone down but here drink this just in case."
Kyungsoo smiles at him as he gulps the medicine down with water and he feels Kyungsoo squeeze his hand. He looks straight into Kyungsoo's eyes searching for some sign of disgust, pity and or sympathy, maybe even hate but all he sees is sincerity and it shocks him a bit that he ends up almost choking on his water.
Immediately, Kyungsoo is rubbing his back attempting to soothe Jongin's coughing fit. He manages to utter a hoarse thanks and it dawns on him the familiar feeling of that hand on his back. He scrambles away from the touch and he feels himself blushing.
It can't be. Please don't tell me that wasn't a dream.
"Is everything okay?"
"Did you- did we- uhm" Jongin can't find the right words to ask without sounding humiliating or embarrassed. He takes a deep breath. "Did you really use the body heat idea to keep me warm?"
Even as the words escape his mouth, Jongin can't help but feel lamely at the way he's said them. The other boy blushes at the question but nods his head and for some unknown reason Jongin's heartbeat quickens.
"I'm sorry."
"Thank you."
They utter at the same time. Jongin is taken aback by the apology but understands why the other boy does so. Jongin shakes his head and tries to smile.
"No, don't be sorry. You were only trying to keep me alive. Thank you for that." He hopes he sounds sincere and thankful enough because he doesn't know how to be sincere and thankful. Although, a thought enters his mind about how this boy might have ruined his chances at death. He is pulled out of his thoughts when Kyungsoo squeezes his arm and Jongin turns to find himself graced with the brightest smile he has ever seen.
"You're welcome."
Jongin feels his heart literally skip a beat.
Jongin eyes Kyungsoo's parents as they continue to usher all the food they have on the table towards him. He has never seen people freely give their food away, especially to someone like him. They even smile as they pass the plates of food and he feels his heart ache because people have never smiled at him like that.
He looks around as he eats and it really shouldn't surprise him that the Dos give away food like it's nothing because they look like they're the kind of people who would spit at him because he's poor and they're rich. So rich that they wouldn't even bat him an eyelash and yet here he is eating with them.
This could always be a dream.
"Are you okay?" Kyungsoo asks him with that sincerely worried look that has Jongin so unsure of the whole situation.
Jongin opens his mouth to say something but Kyungsoo's mother beats him to it.
"Are you not hungry? Is the food not to your liking?" She eyes the barely eaten food on Jongin's plate with a frown.
It's not that Jongin doesn't like the food. The food is fantastic, the best he's eaten in his lifetime, even.
I just haven't been eating lately so I can't stomach too much food.
Jongin curls the sides of his mouth upward and hopes his smile doesn't look too strained.
"Thank you Missus Do but I'm just not too hungry. I'm sorry for wasting your food." He says not being totally honest but being very apologetic. Both Mr. and Mrs. Do give him what he can only assume to be a genuine smile that has him blinded for the smallest of seconds.
"Don't worry. You didn't waste our food. It's okay." Mrs. Do says and Jongin feels as if a burden has been lifted from his shoulders.
"The food was really tasty, though. Thank you." Jongin says sincerely and effortlessly.
"You're welcome." Mr. Do replies in behalf of his wife still smiling at Jongin. "Now, if you boys are finished, then Kyungsoo will escort you back to your room and if you get hungry Jongin ssi please don't hesitate on telling us."
"You'll need all the food you can get." Kyungsoo adds with a smile.
They get up from the table while a maid clears the dirty dishes from the dining room. Jongin looks back and feels some sort of obligation to help but Kyungsoo suddenly has a hand on his arm and leads him back to the guest room where he'd been staying the past day.
Kyungsoo smiles at him as he hands Jongin his medicine. As Jongin gulps down his pills with a glass of water, Kyungsoo sits down on the edge of the bed and motions for Jongin to join him.
"Since when was the last time you ate?" He asks, his tone that sounding of mild curiosity mixed with concern. Jongin doesn't want to look at him because he can't bear the sight of pity and disgust.
"How did you know?"
"You barely touched your food and you're really thin. I've read most kids who don't eat much can't stomach too much food because they've grown accustomed to little amounts of food." Kyungsoo squeezes his hand and it's such a comforting gesture that Jongin looks at Kyungsoo. He almost gasps when he doesn't see pity or disgust but rather something else he can't decipher, maybe concern, he's not sure.
"It's been a while." He says honestly as he looks away because he's not used to these kinds of looks. He's been getting them from the family a lot.
"Don't worry, we'll make sure to give you as much food as you need for as long as you stay here." Kyungsoo smiles at Jongin, his hand still clasping Jongin's and Jongin feels like his heart is soaring.
Jongin wakes up and the sun has barely risen. He thinks the sun won’t be rising any time soon that day as the strong wind howls at his window creating an eerie noise. He shrugs of his blanket and quickly dresses in his now clean but still rugged looking clothes. He makes sure to wear another layer on top so it’s warmer. He glances at the room and thinks of how comfortable it’s been to stay.
But I have to go.
He sighs as he tiptoes his way out of the room and closes the door gently. He is just about to open the front door when a voice stops him.
“Jongin ssi?”
Jongin reluctantly looks back at the sleepy voice he knows could only belong to Kyungsoo. When he turns to look at the boy, his heart constricts at the look Kyungsoo is giving him. A look he’s not familiar with but something that tells him he has somehow hurt the older boy.
“Were you planning on leaving?” Kyungsoo’s tone is of disbelief and Jongin looks away so he cannot see Kyungsoo’s reprimanding eyes.
“Are you crazy?” Kyungsoo half scolds as he walks closer to Jongin. “There’s a storm out there. If you leave, you could die, do you know that?”
I do. I do... but
“Is it something we did? Did we make you uncomfortable?” Jongin looks up at that and shakes his head.
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that...”
I’m not used to things like these. What if, what if one day you decide you don’t want me anymore?
“It’s okay.” Kyungsoo reassures as if he understands and really maybe he does, Jongin hopes he does. He holds onto Jongin’s hands and forces him to look him in the eyes. Kyungsoo smiles and Jongin has this tiny glimmer of hope that maybe, this time things are different.
Jongin spends the rest of his week with the Dos because school had been cancelled. The storm didn’t let up until Jongin’s third day at the Dos. He was expecting them to give him his clothes and have him walk out of the house the next day but it never happened.
He observes the living room and it’s occupants: Kyungsoo and his dad.
They really do seem like nice people.
“I’m home!” Mrs. Do greets and everyone, excluding Jongin, greets her. She turns to Jongin with a smile, as if she’s expecting him to greet her too and Jongin realizes she is and so he stands up and bows a bit awkwardly because he didn’t know what kind of greeting to give.
Mrs. Do chuckles and when Jongin stands up he sees her smiling that has Jongin feeling warm and safe. She pats him on the head and utters something along the lines of maybe some other time.
Jongin is a bit puzzled but doesn’t get to think on it too much because Mrs. Do is pulling him by the arm to the dining room where she props a few paper bags while Kyungsoo and his father look through everything else.
“Some of the malls were opened today, and I thought of buying you some clothes. I hope you don’t mind.” Mrs. Do says and Jongin wants to protest that he doesn’t need clothes but Mrs. Do is already pulling out a fine pair of jeans and sweaters and sizing them up on Jongin and squeals in delight because they are just his size.
“Mom has always been good with measurements.” Kyungsoo explains.
“It comes with being a designer.” Mrs. Do waves off nonchalantly.
Mr. Do makes an x sign with his hands from behind Mrs. Do and mouths not to believe her. Jongin chuckles because he wasn’t expecting that at all from the head of the family. Mrs. Do sees Jongin’s reaction and catches Mr. Do in the act and they begin to banter and Jongin can only observe as Kyungsoo shakes his head at his family and hides a smile. Somewhere in his heart, Jongin wishes he was part of this family.
Today's the day.
Jongin observes his reflection. The clothes really did fit him nicely. Expensive clothes he would probably have to use his life to pay. It really does suit him and yet he knows he'll have to return each and every article of clothing.
Today, Jongin would go back to school. Today, he would also leave this family who has welcomed him.
They'd eventually get tired of helping me.
He zips his bag and makes sure his old clothes are there. He sighs as he sits on the edge of the bed and buries his head in his hands, images of the past week replaying in his mind. He really doesn't want to go.
For the first time in my life, I don't want to run away.
There's a knock on his door and he takes a deep breath and swallows the lump in his throat. He opens the door to Kyungsoo's bright smile and it makes it harder for Jongin to think of leaving.
They arrive at school early because it was the only request Jongin had made. He hadn't had the chance to dance at all the week before and he needed to get back into his routine. Of course he excused that he was just going to the library to study. He didn't want the Dos knowing because he didn't want anything attaching him to them.
If they eventually turn their backs on me...
Once Jongin is sure that Kyungsoo is no longer checking up on him, he goes to the dance studios and falls back into his routine. Pick a cd, dance, change song, dance. He finishes an hour or so later and he hurries to change in the clothes he had worn when he got school making sure to shower first.
It's not like he's not used to people talking behind his back. It's just that this time things felt different. Everyone looked at him with even more judgmental gazes and then he heard the rumors.
"I heard he's been sleeping around."
"Someone told me that he was bought by some wrinkly old man."
"Do you think that's where he got those clothes and bag?"
"I bet he just stole that."
Jongin could feel the headache start to form as he tried not to cry or crumble. The words cut through him like a knife. For some odd reason, the words hurt more than they did. He thought he was used to this but he guessed he was wrong.
Don't listen to them!
Walk. Walk. Walk!
Jongin arrives in his classroom where the chattering never stops. He buries his head in his arms and wishes he could block out the sounds because every word is leaving him bleeding from the inside.
The class starts and the chattering stops for a moment. Jongin feels like he can breathe again.
Just like that, reality bites him in the ass.
Jongin is dancing the day's pain away. The chattering, murmuring didn't stop for the rest of the day and he is brought back to face the life he thought he was numb from. That one small moment of happiness he felt with the Dos made him remember how much life hated him.
He lies down on the floor as he finishes and then he hears clapping. He abruptly stands up and faces the intruder and is surprised to find Kyungsoo.
"What are you doing here?" Jongin asks and he doesn't mean to sound so offended but he clearly remembers telling the older that he wasn't going home with him. He also remembers watching the boy walk out of the school gates making sure that Kyungsoo wouldn't catch him with his plans of not going back to the Dos.
Kyungsoo gives him a wry smile as he puts his hands in his pockets and walks toward Jongin. He shrugs, "I followed you."
A lot of questions run through Jongin's mind and he wants to ask them all but the only word he utters is, “Why?”
Kyungsoo looks at Jongin, “I don’t know,” he pauses as if he’s thinking of what to say next, “Gut feeling, I guess.”
Jongin gives him a questioning look.
The older takes a deep breath and looks Jongin in the eye. “You were planning on leaving, weren’t you?”
Jongin looks away not being able to take the way Kyungsoo eyes him. There is something so painful in the way Kyungsoo gazes at him. He gulps because for some weird reason, Kyungsoo can see through him.
He feels warm hands on his and there’s something in Kyungsoo’s eyes that has him staring. He can’t look away even though he feels like he’s drowning. Kyungsoo squeezes his hands.
“You don’t have to run away, you know?” There’s this desperate tone to it, Jongin notes. “If you’re afraid, you don’t have to be.” Kyungsoo tightens his hold on Jongin’s hands and he’s so close to Jongin that it has his heart racing. “We’re not going to throw you away.”
At those words, Jongin feels himself crumble. The tears are spilling out of his eyes without permission, his body is shaking and he’s sobbing and yet he knows its alright, that everything will be fine because Kyungsoo has enveloped him in his arms. Kyungsoo doesn’t know it but he just saved Jongin.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Smile.
Jongin cringes at his reflection in the mirror.
Smile!
“What are you doing?”
“Hyung!” Jongin puts a hand on his chest as he looks at Kyungsoo who is smirking at him from his bathroom door.
“Sorry.” Kyungsoo says nonchalantly as he walks towards Jongin with an amused look in his eyes. “What were you doing?” He repeats.
Kyungsoo fails to hide his chuckling and Jongin glares at him because it’s obvious his hyung knew what he was doing. Kyungsoo ends up laughing even more, Jongin’s glare only giving him the answer he needs.
Whose fault is it anyways I’m practicing how to smile?
A pout forms on his lips without Jongin’s knowledge and Kyungsoo just laughs at the face his dongsaeng pulls.
“You know, when mom said to smile more, she didn’t mean for you to practice smiling.” Kyungsoo tells him.
I know that.
Kyungsoo receives another glare from Jongin and he stops laughing but the playful smile never leaves his features. Jongin gives up. He never wins with Kyungsoo.
“Don’t practice, smiling is supposed to be natural. When you’re happy, you smile.” He smiles at Jongin, showing him his pearly whites. “Now, Kim Jongin, are you happy?”
Jongin finds himself looking into Kyungsoo’s eyes and drowning in those warm brown pools. The smile on his hyung’s face is gentle and it reminds him of warm summers he’s only ever dreamed of.
I am.
Jongin smiles.
Jongin wants to go home.
But I don't have a home.
Cold. Cold. Cold.
But I seriously need a place to stay for the night.
Jongin sighs as he sits down on the bench conveniently placed on the side of the road, rubs his hands together and blows on them. He has nowhere to go. The last family that took him in kicked him out.
What am I going to do?
He buries his head in his hands and rubs his face trying to keep it warm and so the tears that threaten to fall won't.
I can't cry. I mustn't cry.
But all he wants to do is curl up into a ball and cry because he's never felt more alone in his life.
He curls into a ball because it's cold and not because he wants to cry, or at least that's what he convinces himself to think. He rests his head on the hard wooden bench and turns so that he's facing the back rest and closes his eyes.
Jongin dreams of failed foster homes, dark alleys on the dangerous side of the city, and dangerous people all coaxing him to join them in their illegal acts. He runs. He's running and he doesn't know what he's running away from. And then he's trapped and there are dark shadows everywhere crowding around him with creepy smiles and creepy voices.
"No one will love you."
"You're a waste of space."
"Your own mother didn't love you, what makes you think anyone will?"
No. Please stop.
"You're disgusting."
"Die, you little piece of shit."
No, no, please stop. Stop! Please stop!
"Stop!" Jongin screams sitting up from the bench and finds himself covered in cold sweat and the air is still cold and he's all alone. He's still so very alone.
Jongin takes a moment to regain his breathing. It's still dark and the sun doesn't look like it's about to rise anytime soon. He wonders if the school is open. He wishes he had a watch so he'd know. He shivers as a particularly cold wind breezes past him and he feels as if he's frozen into position. He tries to get up so he can at least warm his body.
With much effort, Jongin is able to get off the bench although his limbs still feel frozen. He can barely walk but he braves the cold and makes his way to school. A place where he can keep warm and maybe shower. One of the reasons why he still goes.
Jongin arrives at school and is just in time for the opening of the school gates. He makes his way past the empty hallways, down the flight of stairs and inside one of the dance studios.
He lies down on the dirty floor and enjoys the warmth of the room.
It feels like home.
He gets up from the floor and looks around the room for the stacks of CDs. He finds a mix he particularly likes and places it in the audio system. The speakers blare the tune. It's a slow beat at first but Jongin is already moving his legs, moving his arms and his fingers. The beat is reaching a peak and it's starting to grow faster, the bass is beating down on Jongin's ears and he can feel his whole body move to the rhythm.
Jongin vaguely remembers learning how to dance back when there were kind enough volunteers to help out in the orphanage. The dance teacher was fond of Jongin and Jongin vaguely remembers wishing the man would adopt him. But the man could only offer him free dance classes and Jongin took what he could get.
When Jongin finishes his routines, his body is sore from being made to move despite its once frozen state but a small smile is on his face. It was always something dancing had given Jongin. Even when Jongin had nothing, he would always have dancing.
He wipes the sweat on his forehead and proceeds to the shower room so the other kids won't spot him. The shower is warm on his skin and Jongin wishes he could have the leisure of basking in it but he can't because the other students are coming. He hurries up in cleaning himself and hurries in dressing himself. He doesn't frown anymore at the idea of reusing dirty clothes despite the fact that he's already cleaned himself. At this point, he's just glad he still has something to wear.
It doesn't smell too bad.
He sighs because it will have to do since he doesn't have the money to clean the other clothes he has in his backpack (which is just a shirt and jeans and an excuse for a jacket). He walks to his room and finds a few students eyeing him.
Don't mind them.
They're probably wondering why you've been wearing the same clothes for the past week. His subconscious tells him.
Don’t think about it.
He makes his way to the classroom where the whisperings begin and he knows his classmates are talking about him.
Jongin wants this to stop, wants to stop going to school but he can't because he is learning, he's studying and this is the only place where he can dance.
Jongin doesn't participate in class much. He tried once but that ended up in him being laughed at. He gave up a long time ago and now he just sits at the back of the room, taking notes and glaring at whoever manages to look his way.
He had learned if you looked scary enough people would stay away from you and so he toughened up his facial features, he stopped smiling almost altogether and learned how to fight back. He doesn't show signs of fear even though deep inside he's screaming, running away and wishes everything would stop. Some people get scared enough because of the rumors that have spread about him, most however want to test out what he can do.
Jongin's glad he learned how to punch from one of the most dangerous people on the wrong side of the city so even if he's scared out of his wits, he can punch someone unconscious. Most of the people he beats up learn to stay away, some just keep coming back. It is usually them that haunt Jongin in his nightmares.
When classes are over, Jongin checks the arts department for a free dance studio and when he finds none, he proceeds to the library so he can do some homework. He's not the brightest student, but he's good enough and that's what's important.
I have to do this. I can do this. I need to pass. A good education will take me away from this.
The light blinds him and Jongin blinks to try and focus his eyes. He rubs them and realizes he fell asleep while studying. He looks at his completed work and relaxes a little, at least he finished. He looks to the side and sees the librarian smiling sadly at him.
"I'm really sorry to say this but we're closing and you're going to have to leave if you don't want to be locked in the school." The librarian looks apologetic but Jongin knows not to fall for it. He gets up and gathers his things dumping them in his locker and checks the school clock.
There is still an hour and a half before school closes.
Jongin heads to the now empty dance studios and enters one. He never goes to school without dancing first and he never leaves without dancing. He finds that he's able to work better in school if he dances. Mostly because the stress of the day has been danced away.
Jongin picks a mix that's a little slow and a little sad. His moves match the melody, fluid movements with each tune and the sway of his arms and expression on his face so close to the emotion the song pours out. He tries not to cry as the melody touches his heart.
He pants as he finishes, facing his sweaty self in the mirror. He shakes his head and sprays sweat all over the place. The next song plays and the beat is still slow but angry as if threatening. Jongin starts to move his body. All sharp and precise steps as if he's aiming a punch or strategizing a fight.
By the time Jongin finishes pouring his heart out through dancing, he only has a few minutes left before the school closes and so he scrambles to the shower room and rushes in cleaning himself.
Jongin exits the building just in time. He looks back as he walks away from the only semblance of home he's had. He desperately wishes he could stay over but school regulations forbid him. He turns away and walks forward. He doesn't know where he'll go and maybe he'll just sleep on the bench.
The winter air is cold and harsh and Jongin finds himself back on the bench. He sarcastically smiles as he sits down staring at the stars above.
Life has always been cruel to Jongin. From the day he was born up until now. He no longer feels pain or sadness or maybe he's just numb from the cold. He shrugs off his coat and wears the extra dirty clothes in his backpack because it's unexpectedly cold tonight. He lies down on the bench using the same position from last night and wonders if he'll wake up tomorrow.
A small smile forms on his lips at the thought of death. Jongin had never really liked the idea of killing himself but death is knocking at his doors and he's tired and he's cold.
The wind blows.
No one will notice if I die.
There is something warm on his face. There is someone talking to him but he can't make out the words. There is some muffled shouting as the wind blows and then he is being lifted up from the bench.
It's really cold.
"Mom! What do I do?! He won't stop shivering?" Jongin barely hears as something slightly warm envelops his body.
Who are you?
"Honey, do you think we can make it to the hospital?" The voice is distant and hysterical.
Hospital? What's going on?
"It's too far. We might end up being stranded in the blizzard." Another voice.
"Mom, he's so cold." The first voice says and it's so soft that it barely registers in Jongin's mind.
It's so cold and yet...
"Kyungsoo, try your best to keep him warm. Think of anything you can do."
"It's going to be okay." Jongin hears the first voice whisper as something incredibly warm envelops him. He sighs and leans into the warmth. He has never felt like this before.
Warm.
When Jongin stirs, there is a heavy feeling looming all over his body. He has a minor headache and despite the warmth that's creeping into his body, he can't help but shiver. It feels like he has a fever. He doesn't open his eyes, only squeezes them tight so he can will the headache away. Someone is cooing him and he's being pulled into something warmer and he sighs.
"Shhhh just go back to sleep." A deep voice whispers and Jongin does just that.
The next time Jongin wakes up he feels a bit better than the last time. He still feels the remnants of a fever but his headache is gone. When he opens his eyes, he finds himself face to face with a pale looking boy just about his age with wide eyes and puffy lips with a small smile on his face.
Jongin makes to push the boy away but finds that this boy has his arms around him.
"It's okay. Don't worry. I won't hurt you." The boy says rubbing his warm hands on Jongin's bare back. Jongin's eyes widen at his realization. He's only wearing boxers. He pulls the warm and heavy comforter off of them and finds the other boy to be just in his boxers as well.
The boy has the decency to flush a little at the exposure and scrambles out of bed to put some clothes on as he pulls the comforter back on Jongin who is a little at a loss for words with the situation.
"I'm really sorry about the circumstances." The boys says while blushing as he tugs on his shirt. He sits back on the edge of the bed and tucks Jongin comfortably in the blankets. "You were shivering really badly and no matter how many blankets we wrapped you in you just couldn't seem to get warm. We even wiped you with a warm cloth and it worked for a while but then you went back to shivering. I finally decided to use body heat because I read somewhere it was the best solution."
Jongin nods a bit because his mind is still hazy with the fever and he's still too weak to respond with much movement. The boy smiles at him and Jongin closes his eyes because he's still tired, he realizes.
Jongin opens his eyes feeling lighter than he's ever been. He thinks about his dream of a boy with wide eyes and pale skin whose body was warm against his. He blushes at the memory because he subconsciously wanted to pull that warmth so close to him he'd never let go. He had never been so comfortable in his life. He turns on the bed and bolts upright.
Why am I on a bed? Where am I?
He pulls the blankets off of him and realizes he's wearing clothes. A sigh of relief escapes his lips but then he panics because he's not on a bench and the clothes he's wearing are not his. He is just about to run out of the room when the boy from his dreams enter with a tray of medicine and water.
The boy closes the door and notices Jongin standing by the bed with a confused expression. He looks taken aback but quickly recovers and sets the tray down the desk beside the bed.
"Oh, you're awake." He says smiling walking towards Jongin who is stunned into immobility. He takes Jongin's hand into his and sits him down on the bed. He takes the thermometer from the tray and sticks it into Jongin's mouth. "I'm Kyungsoo."
"My family and I rescued you the other day from the bench you were sleeping on. There was a blizzard and the snow was falling really hard. We really thought you weren't going to make it." Kyungsoo explains as Jongin finally nods in understanding realizing that his dreams may have not been dreams at all. "It seems that your temperature has gone down but here drink this just in case."
Kyungsoo smiles at him as he gulps the medicine down with water and he feels Kyungsoo squeeze his hand. He looks straight into Kyungsoo's eyes searching for some sign of disgust, pity and or sympathy, maybe even hate but all he sees is sincerity and it shocks him a bit that he ends up almost choking on his water.
Immediately, Kyungsoo is rubbing his back attempting to soothe Jongin's coughing fit. He manages to utter a hoarse thanks and it dawns on him the familiar feeling of that hand on his back. He scrambles away from the touch and he feels himself blushing.
It can't be. Please don't tell me that wasn't a dream.
"Is everything okay?"
"Did you- did we- uhm" Jongin can't find the right words to ask without sounding humiliating or embarrassed. He takes a deep breath. "Did you really use the body heat idea to keep me warm?"
Even as the words escape his mouth, Jongin can't help but feel lamely at the way he's said them. The other boy blushes at the question but nods his head and for some unknown reason Jongin's heartbeat quickens.
"I'm sorry."
"Thank you."
They utter at the same time. Jongin is taken aback by the apology but understands why the other boy does so. Jongin shakes his head and tries to smile.
"No, don't be sorry. You were only trying to keep me alive. Thank you for that." He hopes he sounds sincere and thankful enough because he doesn't know how to be sincere and thankful. Although, a thought enters his mind about how this boy might have ruined his chances at death. He is pulled out of his thoughts when Kyungsoo squeezes his arm and Jongin turns to find himself graced with the brightest smile he has ever seen.
"You're welcome."
Jongin feels his heart literally skip a beat.
Jongin eyes Kyungsoo's parents as they continue to usher all the food they have on the table towards him. He has never seen people freely give their food away, especially to someone like him. They even smile as they pass the plates of food and he feels his heart ache because people have never smiled at him like that.
He looks around as he eats and it really shouldn't surprise him that the Dos give away food like it's nothing because they look like they're the kind of people who would spit at him because he's poor and they're rich. So rich that they wouldn't even bat him an eyelash and yet here he is eating with them.
This could always be a dream.
"Are you okay?" Kyungsoo asks him with that sincerely worried look that has Jongin so unsure of the whole situation.
Jongin opens his mouth to say something but Kyungsoo's mother beats him to it.
"Are you not hungry? Is the food not to your liking?" She eyes the barely eaten food on Jongin's plate with a frown.
It's not that Jongin doesn't like the food. The food is fantastic, the best he's eaten in his lifetime, even.
I just haven't been eating lately so I can't stomach too much food.
Jongin curls the sides of his mouth upward and hopes his smile doesn't look too strained.
"Thank you Missus Do but I'm just not too hungry. I'm sorry for wasting your food." He says not being totally honest but being very apologetic. Both Mr. and Mrs. Do give him what he can only assume to be a genuine smile that has him blinded for the smallest of seconds.
"Don't worry. You didn't waste our food. It's okay." Mrs. Do says and Jongin feels as if a burden has been lifted from his shoulders.
"The food was really tasty, though. Thank you." Jongin says sincerely and effortlessly.
"You're welcome." Mr. Do replies in behalf of his wife still smiling at Jongin. "Now, if you boys are finished, then Kyungsoo will escort you back to your room and if you get hungry Jongin ssi please don't hesitate on telling us."
"You'll need all the food you can get." Kyungsoo adds with a smile.
They get up from the table while a maid clears the dirty dishes from the dining room. Jongin looks back and feels some sort of obligation to help but Kyungsoo suddenly has a hand on his arm and leads him back to the guest room where he'd been staying the past day.
Kyungsoo smiles at him as he hands Jongin his medicine. As Jongin gulps down his pills with a glass of water, Kyungsoo sits down on the edge of the bed and motions for Jongin to join him.
"Since when was the last time you ate?" He asks, his tone that sounding of mild curiosity mixed with concern. Jongin doesn't want to look at him because he can't bear the sight of pity and disgust.
"How did you know?"
"You barely touched your food and you're really thin. I've read most kids who don't eat much can't stomach too much food because they've grown accustomed to little amounts of food." Kyungsoo squeezes his hand and it's such a comforting gesture that Jongin looks at Kyungsoo. He almost gasps when he doesn't see pity or disgust but rather something else he can't decipher, maybe concern, he's not sure.
"It's been a while." He says honestly as he looks away because he's not used to these kinds of looks. He's been getting them from the family a lot.
"Don't worry, we'll make sure to give you as much food as you need for as long as you stay here." Kyungsoo smiles at Jongin, his hand still clasping Jongin's and Jongin feels like his heart is soaring.
Jongin wakes up and the sun has barely risen. He thinks the sun won’t be rising any time soon that day as the strong wind howls at his window creating an eerie noise. He shrugs of his blanket and quickly dresses in his now clean but still rugged looking clothes. He makes sure to wear another layer on top so it’s warmer. He glances at the room and thinks of how comfortable it’s been to stay.
But I have to go.
He sighs as he tiptoes his way out of the room and closes the door gently. He is just about to open the front door when a voice stops him.
“Jongin ssi?”
Jongin reluctantly looks back at the sleepy voice he knows could only belong to Kyungsoo. When he turns to look at the boy, his heart constricts at the look Kyungsoo is giving him. A look he’s not familiar with but something that tells him he has somehow hurt the older boy.
“Were you planning on leaving?” Kyungsoo’s tone is of disbelief and Jongin looks away so he cannot see Kyungsoo’s reprimanding eyes.
“Are you crazy?” Kyungsoo half scolds as he walks closer to Jongin. “There’s a storm out there. If you leave, you could die, do you know that?”
I do. I do... but
“Is it something we did? Did we make you uncomfortable?” Jongin looks up at that and shakes his head.
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that...”
I’m not used to things like these. What if, what if one day you decide you don’t want me anymore?
“It’s okay.” Kyungsoo reassures as if he understands and really maybe he does, Jongin hopes he does. He holds onto Jongin’s hands and forces him to look him in the eyes. Kyungsoo smiles and Jongin has this tiny glimmer of hope that maybe, this time things are different.
Jongin spends the rest of his week with the Dos because school had been cancelled. The storm didn’t let up until Jongin’s third day at the Dos. He was expecting them to give him his clothes and have him walk out of the house the next day but it never happened.
He observes the living room and it’s occupants: Kyungsoo and his dad.
They really do seem like nice people.
“I’m home!” Mrs. Do greets and everyone, excluding Jongin, greets her. She turns to Jongin with a smile, as if she’s expecting him to greet her too and Jongin realizes she is and so he stands up and bows a bit awkwardly because he didn’t know what kind of greeting to give.
Mrs. Do chuckles and when Jongin stands up he sees her smiling that has Jongin feeling warm and safe. She pats him on the head and utters something along the lines of maybe some other time.
Jongin is a bit puzzled but doesn’t get to think on it too much because Mrs. Do is pulling him by the arm to the dining room where she props a few paper bags while Kyungsoo and his father look through everything else.
“Some of the malls were opened today, and I thought of buying you some clothes. I hope you don’t mind.” Mrs. Do says and Jongin wants to protest that he doesn’t need clothes but Mrs. Do is already pulling out a fine pair of jeans and sweaters and sizing them up on Jongin and squeals in delight because they are just his size.
“Mom has always been good with measurements.” Kyungsoo explains.
“It comes with being a designer.” Mrs. Do waves off nonchalantly.
Mr. Do makes an x sign with his hands from behind Mrs. Do and mouths not to believe her. Jongin chuckles because he wasn’t expecting that at all from the head of the family. Mrs. Do sees Jongin’s reaction and catches Mr. Do in the act and they begin to banter and Jongin can only observe as Kyungsoo shakes his head at his family and hides a smile. Somewhere in his heart, Jongin wishes he was part of this family.
Today's the day.
Jongin observes his reflection. The clothes really did fit him nicely. Expensive clothes he would probably have to use his life to pay. It really does suit him and yet he knows he'll have to return each and every article of clothing.
Today, Jongin would go back to school. Today, he would also leave this family who has welcomed him.
They'd eventually get tired of helping me.
He zips his bag and makes sure his old clothes are there. He sighs as he sits on the edge of the bed and buries his head in his hands, images of the past week replaying in his mind. He really doesn't want to go.
For the first time in my life, I don't want to run away.
There's a knock on his door and he takes a deep breath and swallows the lump in his throat. He opens the door to Kyungsoo's bright smile and it makes it harder for Jongin to think of leaving.
They arrive at school early because it was the only request Jongin had made. He hadn't had the chance to dance at all the week before and he needed to get back into his routine. Of course he excused that he was just going to the library to study. He didn't want the Dos knowing because he didn't want anything attaching him to them.
If they eventually turn their backs on me...
Once Jongin is sure that Kyungsoo is no longer checking up on him, he goes to the dance studios and falls back into his routine. Pick a cd, dance, change song, dance. He finishes an hour or so later and he hurries to change in the clothes he had worn when he got school making sure to shower first.
It's not like he's not used to people talking behind his back. It's just that this time things felt different. Everyone looked at him with even more judgmental gazes and then he heard the rumors.
"I heard he's been sleeping around."
"Someone told me that he was bought by some wrinkly old man."
"Do you think that's where he got those clothes and bag?"
"I bet he just stole that."
Jongin could feel the headache start to form as he tried not to cry or crumble. The words cut through him like a knife. For some odd reason, the words hurt more than they did. He thought he was used to this but he guessed he was wrong.
Don't listen to them!
Walk. Walk. Walk!
Jongin arrives in his classroom where the chattering never stops. He buries his head in his arms and wishes he could block out the sounds because every word is leaving him bleeding from the inside.
The class starts and the chattering stops for a moment. Jongin feels like he can breathe again.
Just like that, reality bites him in the ass.
Jongin is dancing the day's pain away. The chattering, murmuring didn't stop for the rest of the day and he is brought back to face the life he thought he was numb from. That one small moment of happiness he felt with the Dos made him remember how much life hated him.
He lies down on the floor as he finishes and then he hears clapping. He abruptly stands up and faces the intruder and is surprised to find Kyungsoo.
"What are you doing here?" Jongin asks and he doesn't mean to sound so offended but he clearly remembers telling the older that he wasn't going home with him. He also remembers watching the boy walk out of the school gates making sure that Kyungsoo wouldn't catch him with his plans of not going back to the Dos.
Kyungsoo gives him a wry smile as he puts his hands in his pockets and walks toward Jongin. He shrugs, "I followed you."
A lot of questions run through Jongin's mind and he wants to ask them all but the only word he utters is, “Why?”
Kyungsoo looks at Jongin, “I don’t know,” he pauses as if he’s thinking of what to say next, “Gut feeling, I guess.”
Jongin gives him a questioning look.
The older takes a deep breath and looks Jongin in the eye. “You were planning on leaving, weren’t you?”
Jongin looks away not being able to take the way Kyungsoo eyes him. There is something so painful in the way Kyungsoo gazes at him. He gulps because for some weird reason, Kyungsoo can see through him.
He feels warm hands on his and there’s something in Kyungsoo’s eyes that has him staring. He can’t look away even though he feels like he’s drowning. Kyungsoo squeezes his hands.
“You don’t have to run away, you know?” There’s this desperate tone to it, Jongin notes. “If you’re afraid, you don’t have to be.” Kyungsoo tightens his hold on Jongin’s hands and he’s so close to Jongin that it has his heart racing. “We’re not going to throw you away.”
At those words, Jongin feels himself crumble. The tears are spilling out of his eyes without permission, his body is shaking and he’s sobbing and yet he knows its alright, that everything will be fine because Kyungsoo has enveloped him in his arms. Kyungsoo doesn’t know it but he just saved Jongin.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Smile.
Jongin cringes at his reflection in the mirror.
Smile!
“What are you doing?”
“Hyung!” Jongin puts a hand on his chest as he looks at Kyungsoo who is smirking at him from his bathroom door.
“Sorry.” Kyungsoo says nonchalantly as he walks towards Jongin with an amused look in his eyes. “What were you doing?” He repeats.
Kyungsoo fails to hide his chuckling and Jongin glares at him because it’s obvious his hyung knew what he was doing. Kyungsoo ends up laughing even more, Jongin’s glare only giving him the answer he needs.
Whose fault is it anyways I’m practicing how to smile?
A pout forms on his lips without Jongin’s knowledge and Kyungsoo just laughs at the face his dongsaeng pulls.
“You know, when mom said to smile more, she didn’t mean for you to practice smiling.” Kyungsoo tells him.
I know that.
Kyungsoo receives another glare from Jongin and he stops laughing but the playful smile never leaves his features. Jongin gives up. He never wins with Kyungsoo.
“Don’t practice, smiling is supposed to be natural. When you’re happy, you smile.” He smiles at Jongin, showing him his pearly whites. “Now, Kim Jongin, are you happy?”
Jongin finds himself looking into Kyungsoo’s eyes and drowning in those warm brown pools. The smile on his hyung’s face is gentle and it reminds him of warm summers he’s only ever dreamed of.
I am.
Jongin smiles.
a/n: There are so many people I would like to thank because I pestered a lot of people to go over this story because I wasn't so sure with this. Again thank you Team AU for tolerating my irritating tweets over this. I intended for this to be longer but then I typed the ending and I was like, oh that fits and then I kind of lost it because I ended it. But it seems like things worked out for the better. :) This story was inspired by 'The Blind Slide' starring Sandra Bullock :)
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But dammit this was just precious. That ending was too sweet.
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