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wheredreamslast2013-08-31 08:39 pm
darkyulate) wrote in wheredreamslast2013-08-31 08:39 pm
The blurred lines (between fantasy and reality) 3/3
one / two
Someone is running his hands all over his arms as if to warm him up. He feels soft plush thighs on either side of his hips and he feels the warmth from them spreading to his hands as he touches the silky skin.
He wants to open his eyes but they are too heavy. He can hear mumbling and he knows the words but they seem so far away that he can’t understand them.
Jongin’s eyes flutter open to find his arm perpetually blocking his vision. He feels his phone vibrate in his coat pocket. And with a groan, he takes it out and finds himself smiling at the person who sent the message.
From: 경수형
Today’s your first day of classes, right? Good luck! d(n_n)b
Jongin sits up from the grassy bed he’s lying down on and smiles at his phone, typing in a quick reply. He lets the wind cool him down for a moment, closing his eyes as he feels the warmth of another body pressing up against him.
When he opens his eyes, not even the cold spring air gets his body to cool down. He tries to shake away the less than innocent thoughts that are coming to form in his mind. He checks the time and decides it’s time he go to school.
As he walks the streets, he can’t help thinking about how he spent his break, different memories coming to replace less than innocent thoughts in his mind.
After Kyungsoo graduated, Kyungsoo had texted him countless times and remembering the promise he’d made, he had no choice but to reply and comply to the older’s wishes. They spent most of their days together, talking and getting to know each other. Sometimes, Kyungsoo would watch him dance, and on other days, he would dance to Kyungsoo’s singing.
They had bonded quite well over the break, and Jongin pushed the memory of the graduation kiss far behind in his mind so that it wouldn’t resurface and taint his beautiful break.
He tries not to think about the nights that Kyungsoo couldn’t spend with him because of his dates with Joonmyun or the times that Kyungsoo couldn’t meet up with him because he’d made plans with Joonmyun. Those days, Jongin would go to the field and live in his dreams, in his own version of reality where Kyungsoo is his and not Joonmyun’s. Sometimes he dances, but most times he just dreams.
Jongin arrives just in time for his dance practice and before he can even tug off his jacket uniform, their dance instructor tells them there’s no need to change.
“No dance practice for seniors today because I’m giving you guys these.” Sir Lee says as he hands the now seniors’ envelopes, all identical and official looking. All the students begin to buzz as they realize who the envelopes is from.
“All lower class students, you may proceed to Studio 3 for your dance classes.” He says as he hands the last envelope to Jongin.
Jongin’s ears are buzzing with excitement and he can barely even hear the commotion some of his friends are making from reading their letter.
The envelope only has two words on it aside from his name. ‘The Company’ is blinding him with it’s silvery font and cursive writing. His heart is thundering in his chest as he rips open the envelope. Once the letter is in his hands, he unfolds it slowly only to close his eyes to the contents of the letter His hands are gripping the paper tightly and he can’t bear to see what it says.
“Jongin! Jongin!” He can vaguely hear Sehun calling him out, as if his voice is faded in the background. Sehun has his arms around him and he’s asking him what his letter says but Jongin doesn’t know because he hasn’t seen it.
“Jongin!” Sehun says a little louder. “Jongin! You passed!” Sehun says grabbing the paper from Jongin’s hands and shoving it to his face that when Jongin does open his eyes the first word he sees is ‘Congratulations!’.
“I passed.” He whispers in disbelief.
“You passed!” Sehun exclaims, the happiness radiating in his voice as he hugs Jongin. “We both did.” He whispers and Jongin returns the hug and laughs as he nearly cries because finally, some of his dreams are coming true.
As soon as Jongin pulls away, he runs to the rooftop of the school where he knows it will be quiet. He taps on his phone and waits for the person on the other line to pick up his call.
”Jongin?”
“Hyung! I got accepted! Hyung, I’m going to dance for The Company!” Jongin can barely contain his excitement as he voices out this certain reality.
”I’m so happy for you!” Kyungsoo says from the other end of the line. Jongin can tell the sincerity is there but something is off.
“Hyung?”
”You have to show me the letter when I come home, okay?” Kyungsoo replies avoiding the question Jongin had asked. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Jongin but he chooses to ignore it because Kyungsoo will tell him on his own time.
“I will.” He says smiling softly as he gazes down from the rooftop.
”I can’t wait.”
“Hyung? If you ever need to talk to someone, remember I’m always here.” He adds before he says goodbye. Kyungsoo chuckles and he thanks Jongin before hanging up.
Kyungsoo doesn’t come home that weekend.
Jongin spends most of his days dancing or sleeping, sometimes he studies but he’s so tired from dancing and sleeping that he can’t be bothered with schoolwork.
Someone kisses him on his forehead, then the tip of his nose and he can feel the lips of the person ghost over his own for a moment before it pulls back. He doesn’t have to open his eyes to know who the person is. “Jongin.” The voice whispers, it’s deep timber sending shivers down his spine.
Jongin’s eyes slowly open and from the haze he can see milky white skin, familiar and so close and warm.
Jongin bolts upright from his bed and groggily looks around his room. He sighs out of frustration because he’s been having that dream since his break started. It’s getting harder to ignore because he’s confused if it’s a dream or a vision. He ruffles his hair and plops back down on his bed.
“I’m losing my mind.” He tells himself.
He looks at his phone to check the time and date. It’s already Sunday and Kyungsoo will probably not be coming home again this weekend, which was weird because Joonmyun had gone back. He tries not to think too much about it and begins to get ready to dance the day away once more.
Another week passes by and Jongin is certain that his dreams are a vision of one complete scenario. He’s just not sure why it’s in fragments. He is also certain that Kyungsoo is avoiding going home. He wonders for a moment if he should text him. He never really texted Kyungsoo before, and he’s not sure if their friendship allows that kind of interaction.
Of course it does, but sometimes he forgets that Kyungsoo is in a relationship because they spend so much time together. It becomes easy to make Joonmyun disappear in the background and fool himself into thinking that it is him that Kyungsoo loves. These kind of thoughts make him even more wary to initiate anything with Kyungsoo, lest his feelings become obvious.
He takes a deep breath and texts Kyungsoo anyways.
Kyungsoo replies three days later, on a Friday, just as Jongin comes home.
From: 경수형
Do you think we could talk when I get back? I’m going home tomorrow.
Jongin wastes no time in replying sensing that there might be something wrong with Kyungsoo. He bites his lip as they settle on a time and place. He hasn’t seen Kyungsoo in weeks and he’s a little bit worried at what they have to talk about. Has Kyungsoo found out about his feelings? Is Kyungsoo alright? Is there something wrong with Kyungsoo?
He falls asleep that night worried with what Kyungsoo might have to say, different scenarios playing it out in his head.
Jongin arrives just in time at the field and he finds Kyungsoo already sitting on the grass. He approaches him carefully because he's afraid of what Kyungsoo has to say.
He sits down beside the older boy and finds that Kyungsoo's eyes are a little red and puffy.
"Hyung? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Jongin asks his voice laced with worry and concern. Kyungsoo wipes his tears abruptly and tries to smile but the cracks are so visible that it makes Jongin inwardly cringe.
"I'm--I--I don't know." Kyungsoo stutters and all of a sudden he breaks out into sobs and Jongin doesn't know what to do for a second but then he's instinctively wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo and holds him close as Kyungsoo cries his heart out.
Kyungsoo cries until he can no longer shed any tears, he cries and cries until Jongin's shirt is soaked. And Jongin thinks with the tears he's shed, that Kyungsoo has held in the pain for a long time alone.
"I'm here, hyung. It's going to be okay." He whispers kissing Kyungsoo's temple.
When Kyungsoo has no more tears to shed, he stays in Jongin's arms for a few more minutes because for the first time in weeks he actually feels safe. He reluctantly pulls away and Jongin reluctantly lets go.
Kyungsoo wipes his eyes and tries to dry his face. He apologizes for wetting Jongin's shirt and takes a deep breath. They're quiet for a while, no one's talking. Jongin won't ask because Kyungsoo will tell him so they bask in the silence.
"I think Joonmyun's breaking up with me." Kyungsoo sighs looking at the grass. He's hugging his knees to his chest and Jongin thinks that Kyungsoo looks so fragile.
Jongin doesn't interrupt Kyungsoo as he tells him when he started noticing the changes in their relationship. He listens and listens and his heart can't help but reach out to Kyungsoo.
"I don't know what to do. I couldn't go home because I was afraid of seeing him. We haven't had a decent conversation since we started going to college. It was easy to avoid him because we have different courses but when I'm here, everything reminds me of him--"
"Hyung," Jongin interrupts Kyungsoo, holding onto his shoulders and he takes a deep breath because what he's about to say will also break his heart. "Hyung, it's not over yet. You and Joonmyun hyung can still talk it out. You have to calm down."
He looks into Kyungsoo's eyes and hopes that all Kyungsoo can see in them is the sincerity and none of the pain that he feels as he lets those words go. Kyungsoo seems to take in his words and wipes his eyes again for tears that were spilled while he rambled. He chuckles. "You're right, Jongin ah. I am acting as if we're over." Kyungsoo smiles but it looks so broken and Jongin wishes he could somehow do something to change that. Jongin looks at the horizon and tries to think of something to cheer Kyungsoo up. And an idea pops in his mind almost instantly.
"Hyung, I have an idea." He smiles at Kyungsoo as he pulls him up to stand. He doesn't wait for Kyungsoo's approval as he drags him along to wherever he wants to take Kyungsoo and when he looks back at Kyungsoo with a wide excited grin on his face, Kyungsoo can't help the smile that breaks out onto his face.
Jongin takes Kyungsoo to his house where he is hurriedly introduced to Jongin's parents and rushed into Jongin's room where his acceptance letter is. When they finish gushing about Jongin's acceptance to The Company, Jongin takes Kyungsoo to his favorite restaurant. It's a little far from their neighborhood and it takes them a while to get there but when Kyungsoo's eyes light up at the sight of the cozy restaurant, he knows he made the right decision.
When they finish eating, Jongin takes Kyungsoo to his first ballet school where he still volunteers to help out. They are greeted by little girls in their tights and leotards. Jongin helps them into position and helps them master certain poses. The instructor relays stories of Jongin being a pain in his dance class to Kyungsoo while Jongin vehemently denies it all. The instructor finishes with how proud she is with what Jongin's accomplished. Jongin blushingly thanks her. He doesn't have spare clothes and the right attire so they don't stay long even though the head instructor assures Jongin that it's fine and Jongin promises Kyungsoo to perform for him the next time he comes home.
The sun is just about to set when Jongin takes Kyungsoo back to the field.
"Today, hyung, I hope I helped you forget about your troubles with Joonmyun hyung. Even if for just a little while." He smiles sheepishly at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo's eyes widen with realization and a bright smile adorns his face. He holds Jongin's hand and squeezes it.
"Thank you."
That night Kyungsoo texts him that he and Joonmyun had made up.
Jongin barely spends time with Kyungsoo because his weekends are spent balancing his time with friends and his boyfriend whom he never sees on weekdays. Jongin wants to complain but he has no right. So, he dances and dances until he’s too tired to even think and all he can do is sleep and dream.
It’s that time of the year again when things become blurry for Jongin. When he doesn’t exactly know the dates or how many months has passed, if time did pass, at all.
His grades are still perfectly fine despite the fact that he barely listens to his classes. Sehun sometimes looks at him worriedly but he knows Jongin will be alright. After all, this has been going on for four years.
From: 김준면
Can we talk?
Jongin's eyes widen at the sender. Joonmyun and him aren't the closest of people and this is the first time Joonmyun has ever texted him. He takes a while before replying thinking of possible things Joonmyun may want to tell him. None of the possible conversation topics he comes up with sound very inviting. He takes a deep breath and replies with curt 'sure'.
They meet up at a cafe near Jongin's school. Joonmyun pays for their orders, much to Jongin's chagrin. They settle down on one of the tables by the window in the farthest corner.
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I know you're busy with your Christmas recitals and all." Joonmyun starts but Jongin waves him off.
"It's okay," Jongin takes a drink of his warm drink. "My instructor told me I've been working too hard again so he's pretty happy that I'm taking a break today." He adds with a chuckle and Joonmyun smiles.
The atmosphere is awkward and Jongin wants Joonmyun to get it done and over with. He's half expecting Joonmyun to tell him to back off from Kyungsoo and the other half is expecting Joonmyun to punch him. He focuses on his cup so Joonmyun won't see that he's nervous.
Joonmyun sighs, "I'm breaking up with Kyungsoo."
For a moment, Jongin thinks he hadn't heard right but when he looks at Joonmyun he can see no signs of joking. He's looking out the window with a sad smile on his face.
"What?" Jongin manages to utter.
Joonmyun gives him a wry smile. "Kyungsoo's not in love with me. At least not anymore. Not since he met you..."
Jongin is flooded with guilt at Joonmyun's words.
"I--I'm sorry."
Joonmyun chuckles but there is no spite in it, Maybe self pity but Jongin isn't sure.
"Promise me you'll take care of him." Joonmyun musters the most sincere smile he can give at the moment and so Jongin promises. He still doesn't really believe that Kyungsoo is in love with him, as if Joonmyun's words weren't enough to convince him. But he allows himself to hope that maybe just maybe Kyungsoo does and he will finally have his happy ending.
A week later, Kyungsoo cries himself to sleep in Jongin's arms.
The feel of soft warm thighs spreads through his hands and as he slides his hands up slowly he opens his eyes to find Kyungsoo looking at him with warm eyes. There are wrinkles by the side of his eyes and the maturity on his face is evident but he doesn't look like he's aged at all. It's almost as if Kyungsoo is still the same Kyungsoo he met back in high school.
Kyungsoo caresses his cheek and Jongin moves to sit up and rests his back on the headboard. He returns the smile Kyungsoo gives him and pulls the older closer to him.
"Did I wake you?" Kyungsoo says brushing a few strands of Jongin's fringe away and Jongin leans in to the touch.
"It's okay."
Jongin's heart is beating so loudly it's starting to deafen him. This whole situation feels so surreal. The tips of Kyungsoo's fingers feel different, the warmth is spreading throughout his body. It feels suffocating yet inviting.
"Is this real?" Jongin can't help asking even though deep down he knows this is just another vision.
Kyungsoo chuckles and the sound echoes through the walls of the bedroom and bounces in Jongin's mind. "Jongin, are you okay?" Kyungsoo sounds amused as he leans into Jongin so that their foreheads are touching.
"I--I'm not sure." Jongin closes his eyes because Kyungsoo is too close and Kyungsoo is breathing his air and he can't breathe and it's too warm. His visions have never felt like this before.
"What's wrong?" And Jongin notices that Kyungsoo's tone has changed to one of worry as Kyungsoo intertwines their fingers together. Jongin's breath catches in his throat. Their position is so intimate and feels so real and right. He knows he's seen and felt far more intimate visions but they didn't feel like this. They didn’t make him feel alive and burning.
Jongin squeezes Kyungsoo's hand and chuckles because he's confused and he doesn't know what else to do. His voice is soft like he's run a marathon and has only had the time to rest. "Must've been a bad dream."
"What was it about?" Kyungsoo pulls away and Jongin opens his eyes to see Kyungsoo's worried gaze.
"I--" he pauses, not sure what he would tell Kyungsoo. "I dreamt that you were still with Joonmyun hyung and..." Jongin is surprised at the way he sounds like what he's saying is far from the truth, as if it weren't his reality. Kyungsoo pouts as he caresses Jongin’s cheeks.
“That was a long time ago, Jongin ah.” His tone is one of incredulity. Jongin gives him a solemn smile as if to apologize as he presses Kyungsoo’s hand closer to his cheek.
“I know, I’m sorry.” But he doesn’t mean it. Because he doesn’t know, and he’s not really sorry because for all he knows, this could just be another reality he can’t have.
“Are you really mine now?” He can’t help but whisper and Kyungsoo looks at him with wide eyes and sighs. He gives Jongin a small smile, as if to reassure him and Jongin thinks that maybe he looks a little pitiful (and he does, really).
“Yes, I’m all yours.”
Jongin wakes up drenched in sweat, his room feels a little stuffy and he feels a little feverish. He tries to get up but his body feels so heavy, he decides on staying on his bed. He groans because he knows he's sick.
"Mom!" He yells despite the strain it takes to talk. His mom comes in seconds after and when she finds Jongin still lying in bed, she knows something is wrong.
Usually, Jongin would mind the fussing but his head is aching and he can't really tell if his mom is fussing or not in his dazed state so he just lets her do as she pleases. When he's drank his medicine, his mother tells him to get some sleep.
He closes his eyes and hopes he doesn't dream.
Jongin's eyes flutter open and he feels like his brain is splitting itself in half. He knows his temperature has escalated to a degree he can only assume to be enough to make him feel like he's being burnt alive. He groans as he shifts in his bed to spot a blurry figure looming over him. His vision clears, only a little, but enough for him to decipher who is looming over him.
"Kyungsoo hyung," he chokes out, voice sounding weak and pitiful even to him. He thinks that maybe he's having another vision because there's no way Kyungsoo could be visiting him. Maybe this is a continuation of his previous vision, he thinks.
He brings out his arm from under the blanket and it feels so heavy and light and he thinks he might break it and he tries not to think how the cold bites at his skin as he sets his mind to fulfill his mission which is to caress Kyungsoo's cheek. When his palm lands on the soft planes of Kyungsoo’s face, he can’t help the smile that forms on his lips as he thinks of how lucky he would be if this were a reality.
“You’re mine now.” Jongin hears himself whisper. “All mine.”
“Jongin?” The confusion is evident in Kyungsoo’s voice but Jongin doesn’t seem to notice.
“I love you, Kyungsoo ah.” He weakly says as the blurred face of Kyungsoo makes it way to his eyes and he thinks it would be so unfair if he woke up to reality now and would find an empty bedside. “Never forget that.”
And he drifts off to unconsciousness.
Jongin doesn’t hear from Kyungsoo since Kyungsoo had cried in his arms, he keeps having the same vision every night which always wakes him up in cold sweat and to make matters worse he just doesn’t understand why things are happening the way they are.
He stops counting the days or weeks that have passed since the last time he talked to Kyungsoo and has decided to bury himself in his dancing, much to his instructor’s chagrin. Sehun tries and forces him to explain himself but Jongin just shrugs and continues with life. He knows what he’s doing is unhealthy but dancing is the only thing that makes him forget about Kyungsoo, even if for just a little while.
“Kim Jongin!” Jongin stops walking down the dance studio’s hallways and turns to find himself face to face with Lu Han, whom he hadn’t seen for almost the entire school year.
“You bastard.” He says icily as he walks closer to Jongin, cornering him against the wall, not far from behind he can see Sehun running up to them. “How dare you make my Sehunnie worried?”
Jongin wants to groan and roll his eyes at the remark but then Lu Han says something else that makes him shut up. “Jongin, we’re worried about you.”
“You can’t keep living like this. At first we thought maybe it would be okay but look at you, Jongin, you’re wasting away right in front of our eyes and you won’t even tell us why.” Lu Han’s voice is almost cracking, and even though he hasn’t seen Jongin waste away this year, he’s seen enough the past years to know that Jongin has reached a stage that may or may not be his worst.
Sehun clamps a hand on Lu Han’s shoulder as if to comfort the elder and Jongin realizes that maybe it’s time to ask for help.
With a sigh, Jongin hopes that his two friends really will be able to help him.
They find themselves in the cafe where Lu Han once treated them before he graduated and as soon as their orders have arrived, Jongin explains to Lu Han what he has told Sehun before and hopes his other friend will not judge him.
Lu Han may have just been the right person to share his secret with because not only is he very enthusiastic about Jongin’s ordeal, he offers a lot of helpful insight as well, almost as if it was his doing.
“So what’s your problem now?” Sehun asks once Jongin is done explaining to Lu Han how he thinks his visions work.
“Kyungsoo hyung hasn’t talked to me in a while.” Jongin sighs.
“How long is ‘in a while’?” Lu Han asks sharing a look with Sehun that Jongin doesn’t notice.
“I don’t know, a month maybe? The last time I talked to him was the day Joonmyun hyung broke up with him.”
“But weren’t you sick the week after that?” Jongin nods slowly not really getting why Sehun would mention it.
“Didn’t Kyungsoo ssi visit you?” Jongin looks at Sehun and finds no traces of joking in his facial features whatsoever.
“What do you mean?”
Sehun looks at him in disbelief and sighs, “I told him you were sick and he asked me for the directions to where you lived. I told your mom that Kyungsoo ssi might visit. You didn’t know? Your mom didn’t tell you?” Sehun asks and Jongin double takes because his mind is piecing the details of Sehun’s story to his situation. He’s about to have an epiphany.
“I told him I loved him.” Jongin whispers as his eyes widen with realization.
“What?” Lu Han exclaims and Jongin feels his hands shake a little as he scrambles to explain what kind of a mess he just made.
“I--I thought I was dreaming and I just, I thought he was a vision and I told him I love him and shit, what am I going to do now?” Jongin breathes out slightly panicky now that he knows why Kyungsoo is avoiding him. They spend an extra hour in the cafe brainstorming of ways to fix the situation but Jongin finds none that is helpful, especially since all ideas seemed to require the willingness of the other party and Kyungsoo seems like he’s beyond willing at the moment.
It takes Jongin a month before he can corner Kyungsoo and talk to him. He holds onto his wrist just as Kyungsoo's exited his house, his grip tight but not enough to hurt.
"Hyung," he breathes out. And he tries not to notice how Kyungsoo visibly winces as he whirls him around so they can face each other.
"Please let me go." Kyungsoo's voice is small almost as if Jongin is going to hurt him and this sends a million arrows through Jongin's heart as he reluctantly lets go.
"I'm sorry," Jongin meekly says and he doesn't even know why he's apologizing, he doesn't exactly have to. They are enveloped in awkward silence for a moment because the words Jongin had wanted to say are now gone and have flown out of his mind.
"At least let me explain," it ends up sounding more like a question than a statement but Jongin is beyond caring because his friendship with Kyungsoo is on the line. Kyungsoo keeps his head down and won't look at him and it scares him to hear what Kyungsoo has to say.
"I'm sorry but I'm not ready..." and I don't think I'll ever be.
The implication isn't lost and Jongin sighs and balls his fist in an attempt to stop himself from crying or hitting the wall. He bites his bottom lip and closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Right now Jongin hates the world, Joonmyun who made him hope, his visions that have always lied to him and himself for believing every bit of it.
He turns aways just as his tears begin to fall and he remembers sadly how he originally had wanted to invite Kyungsoo to the Christmas showcase. He wipes his tears away (even if they keep on falling) and thinks bitterly that he should've known this was how things would have ended.
Jongin buries himself in practicing for the Christmas showcase but this time he's so tired he just wants to drop dead and sleep. But sleep means having to have the same vision of Kyungsoo straddling him and whispering in his ears that he's Jongin's and that makes him wake up hot and bothered. He can't go back to sleep after that, no matter how tight he closes his eyes and he knows if he does fall back asleep he'll only dream of the same vision.
He rests his back on the wall of the dressing room and closes his eyes. Today's the day of the showcase but he thinks any second now he will fall from fatigue.
"Hey, you ok?" He feels Sehun's hand on his shoulder and he weakly replies with a small yeah. He hears Sehun sigh but he doesn't open his eyes.
"If it makes you feel better, I think I saw Kyungsoo ssi among the crowd." Sehun finally says and Jongin doesn't know whether to believe him but it's enough to push him on to perform.
He’s standing on stage waiting for his cue when he spots Kyungsoo on the front lines. He doesn't know how he can see him but it's all that he needs not to break down and fall and make a fool of himself that night. When he's done performing, Jongin uses the last of his energy to chase after his hyung. He doesn't see him amongst the crowd and he blinks multiple times because he thinks maybe he was just seeing things.
"Jongin, what are you doing?" Jongin whirls his head around only to be met with the worried eyes of his best friend.
"I--I thought I saw Kyungsoo hyung." He breathes out and Sehun looks out at the crowd looking for a familiar face.
"Weird, I saw him too, he's not in the spot where I saw him. Maybe he left?" Sehun offers and Jongin hopes his best friend is right because if he's starting to see things then he might as well jump off a cliff right now.
Jongin requests to be allowed to go home early and not finish the showcase. His instructor gazes at him, eyes scrutinizing before sighing. Jongin is let go and he doesn't have to guess why he's allowed. He's pretty sure he looks like hell right now. He's seen himself in the mirror and he knows this is the worst he's been.
As soon as he gets home, he takes a warm shower and immediately feels a bit lighter. He dresses up in warm clothes and wraps himself in his warm blanket. He wants to sleep but he can't because he doesn't want to dream of Kyungsoo, he doesn't want to see or hear lies. He grabs his phone and tries to see if there's anyone he can call or talk to.
He sits up on his bed and reluctantly dials Kyungsoo's number. There is this need inside of him to explain his feelings, to relay his emotions and not be avoided anymore.
Kyungsoo picks up on the second ring and answers with a small hello. It sounds so weak almost as if he was afraid to pick up the call in the first place. Jongin takes a deep breath and gathers his thoughts.
"I know you don't want to hear what I have to say but I have to tell you, hyung. So please allow me this chance and not put the phone down, please just hear me out." He pleads and Jongin only hears shallow breathing on the other side and he takes this as a yes.
He takes a deep breath and begins his story of a boy who only knew how to dance until he started dreaming of a boy, a boy he fell in love with, a boy he could only be with in his dreams. He ends his story with a soft murmur of how much the boy loves the boy in his dreams and how much it hurts that he can't have this one particular dream come true.
There are tears rolling down his eyes as Jongin finishes and his voice is shaky when he says "Good night, hyung." His heart whispers those three words he wishes he could say out loud. He sighs shakily and wipes the tears away. Despite it though, when he closes his eyes that night, he feels lighter and better than he has in a week. But what makes it all better is that he doesn't even dream that night as he goes to sleep.
Jongin doesn't hear from Kyungsoo after that. Before he knows it, his graduation draws near and he realizes with a bitter smile that even though he's accomplished a lot in his past four years, the one thing he wanted to achieve the most, he wasn't able to obtain.
"Stop brooding." Sehun smiles down at him, handing him a bottle of gatorade. Jongin thanks him with a small smile as Sehun sits beside him in the empty dance studio.
They'd been practicing for their last showcase and Jongin and Sehun had stayed behind because of their solos that would determine their position in The Company.
Jongin takes a gulp of his gatorade and thinks of his past showcases and how far he's come. He never expected to excel this much in dancing and even though what drove him on half the time was his unrequited feelings for Kyungsoo, he can't help but think that without Kyungsoo, maybe he wouldn't have bothered to push himself so hard. He thinks of it as ironic really that his depression had made him the successful dancer that he is.
"By the way, Miss Kim wanted me to tell you that you're part of the Top 10 students so you can't miss graduation practices." Sehun says and Jongin nods.
"Did she say what my place was?" Jongin turned to look at Sehun who only shook his head.
"Nope, she said something about it being a surprise." Sehun shrugs. "Anyways, I'm part of it, too so don't look so nervous." Sehun chuckles and Jongin joins in as he throttles Sehun.
Since that day he called Kyungsoo, Jongin had found himself gaining a sense of normalcy in his life. Even though he'd screwed up their friendship, the knowledge that Kyungsoo knew how he felt was enough of a compensation to gain him some sanity in his otherwise very confusing life. The visions had lessened, only threatening him at least once a week. The vision was still the same but Jongin paid no more attention to it because he was finally seeing a world without Kyungsoo. It had hurt at first but he realized that he would be fine.
"Hey," Jongin began as he finished his gatorade. "Thanks." for everything.
Sehun turns to look at Jongin and returns the smile that his best friend is giving him, fully understanding the meaning behind the short sentence.
Jongin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as he waits for the cue of the music before he begins and looks up to the eyes of the audience. He tries not to think about how this is his last dance on this stage that has made his dreams come true. He tries not to think about how the boy he’s dedicated this whole routine is not here and focuses on his breathing, on the silence and waits for the music to play.
This moment feels like I was born as a child who knew nothing
Jongin hears the music begin and he looks up at the crowd, the lights blinding him for a moment. He’s thankful he doesn’t have to start dancing as soon as the music plays so he has a moment to adjust before he dances in time with the beat and the lyrics.
He tries to survey the people and looks for a familiar face, for those wide eyes who needs to see this dance because this whole routine is dedicated for him. Because this dance and this song are the words Jongin can’t say. So he relays them the best way he knows how, through dance.
Taken by the soft wind to your world
He does a swift turn and that’s when he spots him, wide eyes glistening with the way lights shine on him. He’s sane enough to know that this time he’s not seeing things, that Kyungsoo is watching and seeing this. So Jongin closes his eyes, and begins to dance the message of the song, bringing the song to life and pouring his heart and soul out for the boy in the audience to take.
This is all Jongin can offer, and he’s not sure if it’s enough but this is all he can give and all he has, really, so he hopes and prays that it is.
It will be paradise.
Jongin clutches the front of his shirt tightly as he pants feeling the weariness in his muscles but feeling the sense of accomplishment course through his veins. He turns to face the audience and looks for that boy who he has offered his everything to and smiles at him. He straightens his body and bows. Before Jongin can even pull up, the crowd is already cheering and clapping for his wonderful performance and Jongin has never felt like this before. It feels amazing as the rest of the dancers clamber on the stage and hug and congratulate him and the others for a job well done.
The dancers line up horizontally and take a bow as the crowd continues to grow wild. Through it all, Jongin never takes his eyes off Kyungsoo. The way the older boy looks at him, he knows he has conveyed his message and he thinks that maybe this is why it feels so different.
Jongin adjusts his yellow jacket, dusting off imaginary dirt. He looks at his reflection in the mirror and somehow he smiles because he knows the face that looks back at him. It's the same one he saw that time he first had a vision.
He exits his room with fond memories of the past four years, a road littered with regrets and pain but glittering with hope and dreams. He thinks about Kyungsoo and how he'd manage to bring out the best and worst in him. He thinks about their friendship and the visions he had. He thinks and thinks and he remembers and remembers until he finds himself seated in the gym along with his batch mates.
His heart hammers in his chest and he takes deep breaths to calm it down. He looks around surveying the crowd, he's not really looking for someone, not this time.
He looks to his left and finds Sehun dozing off and he takes a quick snapshot for remembrance. "Hey, wake up. We're about to start." He says and Sehun glares at him as he wakes up and fixes his uniform.
The MC stands on stage and tells the crowd to quiet down. She proceeds to invite the graduates to stand up and Jongin can't quite believe that he's made it this far.
"Congrats by the way." Sehun leans in and whispers as they sit down again.
"What for?"
Sehun looks as if he wants to laugh when he says, "For being valedictorian."
"Thanks." Jongin smiles and his heart begins its thunderous drumming once more.
He can dance in front of a million people but he's not quite sure he can deliver a valedictory speech. He gulps and tries not to think about it, tries not to curse his best friend for reminding him of his predicament.
Once the diplomas are handed out, the MC calls on stage the Juniors for their intermission number and tells Jongin, the valedictorian, to be ready with his speech. This doesn't exactly help his nerves so he tries to take even deeper breaths. He doesn't even know why he's so nervous.
He doesn’t even know how he makes it to the stage without tripping or making a fool of himself. He fumbles with his speech for a minute before looking down at his classmates and takes a deep breath. He looks up for a moment, just trying to calm himself down when he spots Kyungsoo smiling softly at him, and their eyes meet for a moment but Kyungsoo doesn’t look away. Jongin finds that it’s the only thing that calms him down enough so he can start his speech.
Jongin reminds his batch mates of everything they’ve been through the past four years, showcases that started in tears and sweat but ended in smiles and laughters, exams that almost killed them (although there was a lot of negative feedback about how Jongin barely even needed to study for exam week), and a whole lot more. He talks of lessons and experiences they’ve gathered throughout the years but most of all, he elaborates on the people who’ve touched their lives, that have left their mark in their hearts that even if they’re no longer all together in one school, they will always be in each others hearts. It’s a bit cheesy and it has some of the guys snickering, but they all agree and half the girls are on the verge of tears so he thinks that his speech is a lot better than he originally thought.
The graduation ceremony ends with a song sung by the graduating batch and almost everyone is crying. Jongin has to admit he is near tears as well as everyone envelops him in tight meaningful embraces and whispers in his ears variations of friendly, encouraging messages. He’s been with these people for four years and it’s sad to think that now feels like a goodbye.
Sehun is the last one to approach him, to put his arms around him and he whispers, “Glad you made it.” Jongin tries not to burst into tears at those words, knowing full well how close he was to losing himself in his visions. “Congratulations and thanks for everything.” Sehun finishes and smiles at him, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. He watches his best friend walk away with a fond smile plastered on his face as he sees Lu Han run to him arms wide and welcoming.
When Jongin turns to face away from the couple, he finds himself bumping into someone he least expects to see.
“Kyungsoo hyung,” he breathes out just as his heart beat begins to echo in his ears. Kyungsoo is holding a fairly large bouquet and hands it to him with a shy smile.
“Can I talk to you somewhere in private?” Kyungsoo doesn’t look him in the eyes, as he says this but Jongin nods anyways and he finds himself dragging Kyungsoo to corner in the gym he usually uses as his hiding spot.
“I—um—congratulations,” Kyungsoo’s face is tinted with a soft pink and Jongin thinks he may be seeing things as Kyungsoo hands him the bouquet. Jongin wordlessly takes them and holds them, not really sure what to do with them.
“I saw you at my graduation, you know.” Kyungsoo begins as he stands beside Jongin so Jongin can’t really see his whole face. “But you ran just as I turned to face you. I got your flowers though, uhm, this is kind of a thanks for that. Sorry, it’s kind of late.” He scratches the back of his neck still refusing to look at Jongin.
“I thought about what you told me a few months ago.” Kyungsoo starts again, his voice a little shaky and nervous and Jongin is not sure what to expect from this conversation. Because hasn’t Kyungsoo already turned him down? What’s all this for? He can’t help but be even more confused as he feels his heart suddenly weigh like a ton of boulders were on its way to crush it. “I’m so sorry, Jongin ah.”
Jongin thinks his world has just ended. He thought he’d been fine all along, that he was finally beginning to see a world without Kyungsoo but this, what was happening right now, was making him realize how wrong he was. He stops breathing for a moment as his world slowly deteriorates and he thinks he might faint or something.
“When Joonmyun broke up with me, he told me that it was because I didn’t love him anymore and I thought he must have been stupid.” Kyungsoo breathes out a broken chuckle and Jongin tries to focus on his words and he doesn’t understand just what Kyungsoo is trying to tell him or why he is even still speaking because he’s already turned him down, right? “And then he told me that you loved me and that you were the right one for me and I needed to stop fooling myself that I was still in love with him because I wasn’t, not anymore.”
There are tears in the corner of Kyungsoo’s eyes and Jongin knows he’s trying to stop them from falling. He takes another deep breath and Jongin kind of shuts his ears off, afraid of hearing a more elaborate speech of Kyungsoo’s rejection. The words ‘I’m so sorry’ are still ringing in his ears, echoing in the depths of his mind and he’s just graduated, this is probably the worst thing that could have ever happened in his life.
“—but I realized he was right.” Kyungsoo wipes at his cheeks and continues to speak, “I originally didn’t want to believe you and your story when you called me,” he laughs a little as he says this, “but it makes perfect sense now.” He turns to look at Jongin, his eyes a little red and his cheeks marred with tear stains. He holds onto Jongin’s hand and squeezes them lightly.
Jongin is still a little at a loss for words as he silently gapes at Kyungsoo who is smiling despite the tears. “You and I are meant to be, Jongin.” Kyungsoo smiles so brightly despite the tears decorating his face and Jongin’s heart skips a beat, or maybe a multitude of beats, he’s not sure, but he feels like his world has stopped, rebooted and restarted all over again. “I couldn’t keep lying to myself. I told myself I didn’t want to see you, but I kept having this need to be with you. And I’m so sorry it took me this long to realize it, but I want you to know that I love you, Jongin ah.”
There are fireworks in Jongin’s heart or maybe it’s in his head, he’s not quite sure but he ends up blinking confusedly at Kyungsoo who laughs as he wipes his tears away and repeats in a whispered manner, leaning in close to Jongin, “I love you.”
Jongin’s face threatens to split in two as he smiles so widely and envelops the older in his arms and he thinks, “Finally!”
“I love you, too.” Jongin half whispers, half shouts into Kyungsoo’s ears, not letting go because he’s still a little afraid that maybe he’s still dreaming. Kyungsoo laughs into his chest, burying his face into the material of Jongin’s jacket as he holds on just as tight.
“Are you mine now?” Jongin finds himself softly uttering and he doesn’t expect an answer because he was sure Kyungsoo hadn’t heard but he hears the reply, loud and clear but only for his ears to hear.
“Yes, I’m all yours.”
Jongin pushes Kyungsoo just far enough so he can see all of his face. Kyungsoo’s smiling so brightly and Jongin feels his lips mirror the expression. He feels like he could cry at any moment. He’s so happy right now that all he wants is to kiss Kyungsoo, taste those lips he’d only ever kissed in his dreams, and so he does. He closes his eyes and leans forward and Kyungsoo meets him halfway. When their lips touch, Jongin feels as though finally, finally, he’s no longer living in his fantasies.
And he never has a vision again.
a/n: First of all I would like to thank my beta
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
perfectiontales who volunteered albeit last minute! Thanks so much bb I couldn't have done it without you. Uhm there's so much I would like to say but I don't want to take up too much space so I'll just say thank you for reading! And feel free to leave me criticism and stuff n_____n I know this totally sucked but thank you for enduring all 24k of it. And I promise never to write anything this long again o<-<Questions? Please direct them here ask.fm twitter flavors
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OMG If they didn't end up together Jongin would forever be tortured by his visions and he might actually end up going crazy :/
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So, so, so, so beautiful :')
It's not often that a fic touches my heart but this really did.
Brilliant job, honestly this was awesome.
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;_____;
Please tell me many are just anonymously reading this...
This was just asdfghjkl
there are times I was having doubts whether they will have a happy ending... and i was wishing so bad for that happy ending. AND YEY HELLO HAPPY ENDING.
cries for suho ;____________; i'd probably do the same thing tho. haha.
knowing the future really is a scary thing. you cling into it too much that it makes you crazy when things don't unfold the way the are supposed to...
THIS IS A GREAT FIC ^^
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I'm remixing this fic so you can be sure Suho gets his well deserved happy ending n_n
I'm not sure abt the silent readers haha I don't like putting a counter on my fics. Too lazy and then the formatting hahaha no time for that so maybe yes maybe no :D What matters is that YOU enjoyed and I'm ok with that n_n
Thank you again! Your comment made me really happy n_n
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but im just alijdkljaskldjfk ja;sdjlkjl;j
i like sudo in here but the kaisoo is just uhhhhhh
the visions were so cute and fluffy and i anticipated whenever jongin had them
and then when he was sick i was almost prepared for jongin to die or something. and if that did happen i was about to murder you author shii because there are so many angsty kaisoo without happy endings but this one was so goood!!! great job!
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(except for my 'exo as things au' because yeah hahaha)
awww thank you so much that means a lot to me :D i've never read the book of that but I've seen the movie :D but no that didn't inspire the fic so yeah :)))
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this hurt in all the right places
I totally felt for jongin here, throwing himself into work as a distraction
and poor bb has it even worse when his visions taunt him with what could have been. Ah fcjshsgdfck my heart cried for him seeing the scenes from his dreams but with joonmyun in his place
I'm just so happy he and kyungsoo finally got to their happy ending
and hark! Is that the sound of a joonmyun remix of this!
you have drained my emotions and slain me. I think I'm just gonna lie down and try not to cry more
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Yes there's a remix of this that I will be posting here and automix before I share on SNCJ :)