The blurred lines (between fantasy and reality) 2/3

[darkyulate]

one

friends

From: 도경수
Are you busy tonight?

Jongin almost drops his phone when he sees who texted him. Lu Han tries not to laugh while Sehun peers at the message from behind Jongin, a smirk on his face.

“I’m surprised you don’t have a heart before his name.” Sehun says smugly as he begins his stretching with Lu Han behind him.

“I think you should’ve added the heart! Wouldn’t that make his name appear at the top of your contacts list?” Lu Han adds, bending Sehun’s leg.

“Actually no, it will put it at the bottom.” The words are said before he can stop himself and Jongin clamps a hand over his mouth as if it will make the words disappear. Lu Han and Sehun eye him for a second before bursting into a fit of laughter.

“You actually tried?” Sehun says in between chuckles.

“Why not keep it?” Lu Han asks with a cute tilt of his head to the side, Sehun wraps an arm around his waist. Jongin blushes as he thinks of his answer, ignoring the couple.

“Because I didn’t want him to see.” He whispers but the couple hears anyways and they laugh even louder than before. Jongin ignores them and decides to reply before he forgets.

To: 도경수
I am actually. Dance practice is going to take up a few more hours than necessary. Why?

He puts his phone down and begins stretching as well. They’ve been practicing for the year end showcase and because Jongin is one of the main dancers, he has to practice two more hours than the rest of the group. He doesn’t mind, really, because dancing is his life. At least that’s what he tells himself when dancing begins to take away some of his ‘Kyungsoo time’.

The vibration of his phone alerts him that Kyungsoo’s replied and he’s a bit surprised how fast Kyungsoo replies, trying to ignore the fluttering of his heart or the thoughts of what it could mean. He doesn’t need to be distracted, not when he needs to be focused on his dancing.

From: 도경수
I just thought maybe I could help you with that English homework you were telling me about XD. You’re practicing for the year end showcase, right?

To: 도경수
Oh, a sunbae already helped me with that actually ^^; Yup! The practice is for the showcase, you wanna come and watch?

The reply is almost instantaneous.

From: 도경수
Really? Ok!

Jongin couldn’t reply as the instructor came in the room and he tried not to think about Kyungsoo entering the room with his SMA uniform.

When Kyungsoo walks in quietly into the dance studio, Jongin misses a beat and it’s almost unnoticeable as Jongin quickly regains control and is back on track with the rest of the crew. Still, the instructor calls him out on it. Jongin has to pretend that Kyungsoo isn’t there so he doesn’t screw up the next round of practice.

The instructor eyes him when he gives them their ten minute break but doesn’t say anything. Jongin pretends not to notice as he walks to where Kyungsoo is with the other SOPA students who have nothing better to do than watch the dance team practice. Kyungsoo stands out amongst the crowd with his navy blue blazer mixed with yellow ones. He tries to hide his smile at how adorable Kyungsoo looks not exactly fitting in.

“Hey, isn’t that Kyungsoo?” Sehun whispers throwing an arm around Jongin’s shoulders which the latter tries to shrug off.

“Oh, that’s Kyungsoo?” Lu Han appears beside Sehun, his eyes zeroing in on the misfit, “Come on, introduce your hyung!” Lu Han says grabbing Sehun and Jongin’s hands to where Kyungsoo is sitting.

“Hey,” Jongin starts. Sehun rolls his eyes and Lu Han giggles.

“I’m Lu Han, I’m Sehun’s boyfriend and Jongin’s sunbae.” Lu Han stretches out his hand in front of Kyungsoo who turns his eyes away from Jongin to look at the doe eyed senior. He smiles at Lu Han and shakes his hand.

“Kyungsoo.” He says with a smile.

“Nice to finally meet you Kyungsoo. I hear so much about you! You’re all--” Before Lu Han can finish his sentence, Jongin has clamped a hand over his mouth.

“Don’t mind him, he talks nonsense most of the time.” Jongin covers with a smile that looks a bit forced. “Hey Sehun, why don’t you and Lu Han hyung get us some Gatorade?” Jongin offers, hand still firmly clasped around Lu Han. Lu Han tries to pry off Jongin’s hand while Sehun glares.

“Fine fine, just let my boyfriend go.” Sehun drags an unwilling Lu Han away from the scene. Jongin heaves a sigh of relief and Kyungsoo chuckles. He sits beside Kyungsoo on the bleachers and watches as the other dancers drink or rest.

“Sorry about that, he’s just really weird.” Jongin explains, rubbing a hand at his nape and Kyungsoo just smiles at him, his hands digging deep in his coat pocket.

“It’s ok. I actually have a friend who’s even weirder than Lu Han hyung.” Kyungsoo shares. “And what’s even weirder is he’s in a relationship!” Somehow they both laugh at this. Kyungsoo’s laugh is music to Jongin’s ears and he wonders if Kyungsoo can sing.

“You’re a very great dancer.” Kyungsoo says after a while. Jongin blushes even though he’s heard of that compliment more than a million times.

“Thanks.”

“No, I mean it. I don’t usually watch people dance but there’s something about the way you move that’s captivating. It’s beautiful, really.” Kyungsoo says as if he can just see Jongin dancing right now and Jongin’s blush deepens.

“Thanks, no one’s ever said that to me before.” Kyungsoo beams at him proudly for being first and Jongin chuckles at how adorable Kyungsoo is.

“I bet Joonmyun would think so, too.” Jongin tries not to frown at Kyungsoo’s words. He turns his gaze away from Kyungsoo’s happy face to look at the dancers and his eyes somehow end up on the mirrors and he sees their reflection, two people talking to each other.

“Oh? Really?”

“Yeah, he’s always loved performing arts. I bet he would’ve appreciated your dancing, too.” Kyungsoo smiles at Jongin but his eyes remain on their reflection in the mirrors. He likes Joonmyun but Joonmyun is special to Kyungsoo in the way Jongin can never be, or isn’t right now, and that he hates.

“Jongin, catch.” Sehun shouts from the door and because Jongin is used to this, he catches the drink without paying too much attention to Sehun.

“Wow! How’d you do that?” Kyungsoo asks and Lu Han and Sehun chuckle at how Kyungsoo sounds so childish.

“Practice. Sehun always throws me my drink.” Jongin shrugs as he proceeds to chug down the whole bottle.

“You should’ve seen him the first time. He got hit on the face!” Sehun and Lu Han laugh.

“Hey! You almost broke my nose.” Jongin retorts but Kyungsoo ends up laughing along with Sehun and Lu Han so Jongin sighs and laughs as well. It is a funny memory anyways.

“Ok everyone, break’s over! From the start!” Their instructor says and the three excuse themselves from Kyungsoo and proceed to their starting position. Jongin tries not to see how entranced Kyungsoo seems in watching them perform, tries to hide the pride he feels when he knows Kyungsoo is watching him.

“Good job everyone. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” The instructor looks at Jongin. “Except for you, Jongin. You stay.” Jongin nods and the rest of the crew turn their backs. It’s nothing new for Jongin to stay behind, not because he’s lacking in practice but because finally, after two years of proving himself, he gets a solo stage. Jongin is given a half hour break before practicing his piece and he decides to spend it with Kyungsoo. Sehun and Lu Han bid them goodbye, hand in hand, as they walk out of the dance studio.

“Hey, I’m planning on grabbing something to eat at the store, wanna come with me?” Jongin asks as he gets a shirt from his bag. Kyungsoo nods and immediately turns away when Jongin starts taking off his sweaty shirt and replacing it with a new one.

“Let’s go.” Jongin says with a smile completely oblivious of what he’s just caused, having done it a million times. Kyungsoo just nods quietly.

“Do you usually get called out by the instructor like that?” Kyungsoo asks with worry and fear and Jongin laughs at his tone because Kyungsoo seems to have misunderstood.

“Yeah, but don’t worry. It’s not because I’m in trouble.” He says as he puts his hands in his pants pocket with a smug smile he turns to face Kyungsoo. “It’s because I get a solo dance for the showcase.”

“What? Really? Congratulations!” And then all of a sudden, Kyungsoo is hugging him and Jongin can’t breathe, not because Kyungsoo’s holding him too tight but because Kyungsoo is in his arms and somewhere along the lines he kind of forgot to breathe. Almost automatically, he wraps his arms around Kyungsoo and takes in his scent of beaches and ocean. There’s a faint hint of red on Kyungsoo’s cheeks when he lets go, and Jongin tries not to think of how their hug had lasted longer than it was supposed to.

“Yeah, sorry, I got carried away.” Kyungsoo chuckles nervously. “But congrats! I remember you said something about it and I know you’ve been working so hard. You deserved it.” Kyungsoo gives him one of his warm sincere smiles and it takes Jongin’s breath away.

“Thanks hyung. I hope you can come and watch. It’s a public event so anyone can go, you can even bring your other friends. I’d like to meet the one weirder than Lu Han hyung.” Jongin laughs and so does Kyungsoo.

“He’s also older than you, so give him a little respect.” Kyungsoo chides but there is no strength in it. Jongin shrugs with a smirk.

“Everyone’s older than me.” And they just laugh.

“I think I should go home.” Kyungsoo says a little guiltily as the store begins to appear. Jongin tries to hide his disappointment with a smile. Kyungsoo had received a text sometime in their walk and Jongin doesn’t have to ask to know it’s Joonmyun and it’s probably the reason why he has to go.

“Of course, it’s getting late anyways.” Even though the sun has just set and usually Kyungsoo goes home later than this. But Jongin doesn’t ask why because it is not his place. Because there are limitations to his friendship with Kyungsoo and this is one of them.

“I’ll see you soon, Jongin.” Kyungsoo waves and runs to other direction where SMA is located. Jongin tries not to sigh and slump as he grabs some dinner at the convenience store. The same cashier is there, ready to punch in his dinner for the night. He eats quickly and efficiently and tries to remember his steps for his routine so he doesn’t have to think of Kyungsoo.

He is glad SOPA makes sure year-end exams are over before they gruel their students for the showcase because Jongin doesn’t think he can study with all this practicing and distraction he gets from Kyungsoo. He gets back to the studio in record time, and there are still some students there, probably to watch him, but he ignores them and just acknowledges the orders of his instructor.

“1, 2, 3, start.”

And as the music plays, Jongin loses himself in dancing, he feels the music mold his body and take control of everything. He tries not to think about text messages not meant for him, tries not to see messages that should’ve been for him but aren’t, tries not see more of Kyungsoo watching him dance and just focuses on the music and the flow of his body.

He spends an hour perfecting his piece until his instructor is satisfied. His instructor claps and gives him a smile, something he only does when he’s extremely impressed and Jongin feels like patting himself on the back at his success. Maybe, Kyungsoo will be like his instructor. Impressed. He tries not to indulge the thought too much.

Jongin becomes so busy with practicing that he ends up not going to the store anymore, ends up ignoring some of his messages (because he reads them before practice and forgets to reply when he’s done practicing). By the time he gets home, all he does is sleep and dream of Kyungsoo, and he finds that it’s enough for a compensation.

From: 도경수
Hey, you still alive? :))

Jongin blinks once or twice as he reads the message on his phone and bolts upright when he realizes it’s from Kyungsoo. He scrolls up and he realizes he hasn’t replied to any of his texts recently and that answers his questions of why Kyungsoo would text him that. He sighs and rubs sleep off his face as he tries to think of a good enough reply.

To: 도경수
Yeah, sorry I haven’t been replying. Been a bit busy and I tend to read messages and not text back because I forget.

From: 도경수
It’s ok ^^ Sehun said you were busy practicing, do you have practice today?

Jongin didn’t have practice but just because he didn’t have one didn’t mean he wasn’t going to spend the rest of his Saturday practicing. But this was Kyungsoo, and he hadn’t seen him in a while.

To: 도경수
Not really :) Did you want to meet?

From: 도경수
Yeah, if that’s ok. Let’s meet at the convenience store. I want to show you something :)

To: 도경수
Give me 30 minutes.

It usually takes Jongin an hour to get ready but this was Kyungsoo and he’d missed Kyungsoo so he rushed everything, from bathing to eating and dressing up. He is out of the house just in time and he gets to the store just when the clock hit the 30-minute mark.

“Hey!” Kyungsoo greets and Jongin likes the way Kyungsoo looks in casual clothes, a pale blue sweater kept him warm from the unusually cold spring and dark jeans completed with black converse. Jongin smiles at Kyungsoo his heart hammering in his chest. Even though he dreams of Kyungsoo, seeing him in real life is always better.

“Nice shirt.” Kyungsoo comments with a genuine smile and Jongin looks at his shirt as if he forgot what he was wearing and he laughs as he sees what he’s wearing. His shirt was black and it had the words ‘Dancing Machine’ in silver lettering. It was a birthday present from Sehun.

“Thanks, Sehun gave it to me for my birthday last month.” He smiles as he follows Kyungsoo to wherever they’re going.

“Oh, you were born in January, too?” Kyungsoo slows down his pace so that he and Jongin are side to side.

“Yup! I was born on the 14th. You?”

“12th. How sad you weren’t born on the 13th, though.” Kyungsoo chuckles as Jongin tells him 12 and 14 is still pretty close. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he remembers having visions of birthday celebrations made on the 13th. He shakes his head and tries to dismiss the thoughts.

“So what is it you wanted to show me?” Jongin asks as they take a few turns and Kyungsoo smiles at him with the sun behind him giving him this silhouette and all Jongin can think of is how beautiful it looks.

“I heard from Sehun how much you’ve been practicing to the point where you even ignore your friends. He was a bit upset when I saw him last night and I thought maybe you could use a break.”

“That still doesn’t answer my question.”

Kyungsoo just chuckles at his reply and proceeds to run making sure Jongin is close behind.

Jongin is too busy trying to follow Kyungsoo that he doesn’t notice his surroundings as they stop. When Kyungsoo stops moving, he turns to look at Jongin as if to tell him they’re there. And Jongin takes that as his cue to look around. They’re at a clearing decorated with blooming flowers and Kyungsoo holds onto his wrist and pulls him to sit down beside him on the grassy land with no flowers.

“Sometimes, I come here to relax. I study so much that I scare my friends and family and then one day, when I realized I needed a break, I found this.” He smiles at Jongin as he brings his knees close to his chest. “The flowers and the fresh air have a nice of way of calming a person down, especially when they’re stressed or tired. I thought maybe it would help you.”

Jongin’s heart starts beating at an odd pace as Kyungsoo smiles at him, his head resting on his knees and he hopes to God he isn’t blushing as he returns the smile. He takes his eyes away from Kyungsoo and admires the scenery. The flowers give the area a beautiful scent and the horizon isn’t so bright even though the sun is a little high up. He takes a deep breath and he feels the tense muscles disappear a little and he lies down on the ground.

“Thanks, Kyungsoo hyung.” He whispers with a smile on his face as he closes his eyes.

“Glad I could help.” And he hears rustling beside him and he can only assume that Kyungsoo is lying down beside him.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo whispers, “Can you promise me this will be our little secret?”

Jongin cracks one eye open and holds his breath because Kyungsoo’s face is so close to his, “Yes.” He manages to whisper. Kyungsoo holds out his pinky and Jongin smiles at the childish gesture but relents and wraps his own pinky along Kyungsoo’s.

“Now stop being a bad dongsaeng. Don’t ignore my texts.” Kyungsoo ruffles Jongin’s hair and chuckles along with Jongin. Jongin tries to ignore a vague memory that is playing at the back of his mind of the same situation except he’s pretty sure he kissed Kyungsoo on the lips in that vision. He tries to ignore how it kind of hurts that he can’t kiss Kyungsoo now because even though Kyungsoo doesn’t say it, he’s in a relationship with Joonmyun. He ignores all of it, especially the feelings he gets when they make pinky promises, just like in his vision and ruffles his hair or looks at him with shining eyes. He wants Kyungsoo to be his but he doesn’t want to ruin a relationship, not when he knows Kyungsoo will be his in the end. He just has to believe.

They stay a little while longer in the clearing just looking up at the sky, catching up on the last few days. Kyungsoo tells him how his finals are finally over and how he hopes he gets good grades. Jongin doesn’t tell him that his grades are up and he is at the top of his class again. He just smiles at Kyungsoo and tells him that he believes in him.

Reluctantly, Kyungsoo pulls Jongin up and they walk back to the convenience store. “I can’t wait to watch your performance at the showcase.” Kyungsoo says excitedly. “I told all my friends and invited Baekhyun and Chanyeol to come and watch. Some of my classmates wouldn’t believe me when I told them I was friends with you and Sehun.”

Kyungsoo laughs and Jongin smiles at Kyungsoo’s narration. “But then Joonmyun tried to make them believe me. It was kind of funny because in the end they still asked for a picture.” They both laugh and Jongin tries to hide how the fact that Joonmyun is still a part of their conversation hurts.

“You should’ve invited them to the showcase then, I would’ve proved them wrong.” Jongin says smugly.

“Nah, who cares what they think?” Kyungsoo says with sincere smile. “Besides, you’ll only want to meet Baekhyun and Chanyeol out of all of my classmates.”

“Chanyeol was the one weirder than Lu Han hyung, right?” Kyungsoo nods. “And Baekhyun is his boyfriend?” Another nod. Jongin nods in understanding.

“I can’t wait to meet them, then.” He returns Kyungsoo’s smile.

“Thanks for meeting me. Good luck on the showcase.” Kyungsoo looks up into Jongin’s eyes and smiles. He walks away and waves at Jongin.

“Thanks hyung.” Jongin whispers as he waves back.




Preparation for the showcase ensues all kinds of chaos around SOPA and Jongin is just glad he doesn’t have to be sucked into it because he’s too busy perfecting his routine. The week of the showcase arrives and Jongin spends the entire week perfecting his routine on the stage they’ll be using and is proud at how easily he can transit from the studio to the stage.

“Okay everybody, that’s a wrap!” The stage director says and every one of the performers bows.

“Hey, let’s go out tonight and celebrate!” Lu Han says, hand already warm in Sehun’s. Jongin would rather not be the third wheel but he finds that he can’t exactly say no.

“There’s this new cafe near the convenience store, let’s check it out.” Sehun offers and Jongin walks a little behind the couple, feeling a bit out of place but not really minding. They reach the cafe in silence and Jongin offers to take their orders. When he gets back, he tries not to cringe at the scene in front of him.

“Seriously, guys, get a room,” he tells them looking away. They both laugh.

“Can’t help it, I graduated so I won’t be able to spend time with Sehun as much as I want.” Lu Han says a bit sadly and Jongin feels a little sad, too.

“But we’ll still see you right?” Jongin asks.

“Of course, you idiot.” Lu Han smiles at him as he smacks Jongin’s head and all three burst out laughing. Their drinks arrive then, and Lu Han raises his cup of bubble tea with a smile. “To graduating.

“To the showcase.” Jongin cheers.

“To everyone getting good grades.” Sehun adds and they toast their glasses, sipping their cold drinks.

“Oh, Jongin, I heard you got the highest marks out of all the Sophomore batch this year. Congratulations!” Lu Han says and Jongin tries to hide his embarrassment. “Oh, hey, hi, Kyungsoo.” Lu Han continues in succession to his previous statement and when Jongin turns around, there’s Kyungsoo in front of him with Joonmyun beside him.

“Hey, hyung.” Both he and Sehun greet.

“I’ll go buy us our drinks.” Joonmyun smiles and Jongin notes the way his hand lingers on Kyungsoo’s arm as he talks before leaving.

“You guys want to sit with us?” Sehun asks and they help Kyungsoo get two chairs for their table. Jongin tries to ignore the fact that now he’s the fifth wheel.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I overheard Lu Han hyung saying you’re at the top of your batch. Wow Jongin, I didn’t think you were smart.” Kyungsoo laughs and the whole table follows as Jongin pouts.

“Hey, I’ll have you know that I am, in fact, very smart., so smart that SMA offered me a full scholarship.” Kyungsoo gapes at him and so does Joonmyun who appears just in time to hear Jongin brag.

“For real? I thought those were very hard to get.” Joonmyun mutters.

“It is.” Jongin smirks at everyone and Sehun just laughs and Lu Han looks a little bit confused because he doesn’t really know much about SMA and only went to SOPA because of the exchange program they had.

“Jongin has always been smart. When we graduated from elementary, he was valedictorian and got a really high GPA too and that’s why SMA offered him a full scholarship while I was only offered half a scholarship.” Sehun supplies and Jongin just sips his frappuccino.

“Wow, I had no idea. Congratulations, Jongin ah.” Kyungsoo’s eyes turn into crescents as he smiles and Jongin almost chokes on his drink.

“Thanks.”

As it turns out, it isn’t so bad being the fifth wheel. Especially when Kyungsoo and Joonmyun don’t do much PDA, or any for that matter. The problem is that Lu Han and Sehun can’t keep their hands to themselves which makes it very awkward for the three.

Lu Han is teary eyed by the time they have to go, and even though it isn’t the last time he will see them, he hugs everyone anyways and it kind of freaks Kyungsoo and Joonmyun out while Sehun tries to pry his boyfriend off of them and apologizes profusely on his behalf. When the couple is gone, Jongin tries not break into a run so he doesn’t have to see the awkward couple break his heart.

“You have nice friends, Jongin ah.” Joonmyun says as they walk.

“I’ve known Sehun since elementary but Lu Han hyung is nice.” Jongin shrugs.

“We’re going this way.” Kyungsoo says as if Jongin doesn’t already know. He nods anyway and smiles at them, hoping it doesn’t look too forced.

“Take care Joonmyun hyung, Kyungsoo hyung. I’ll see you guys at the showcase.” Jongin turns and walks away. Jongin tries not to think of a showcase where Kyungsoo had kissed him on the cheek good luck and focuses on the showcase that will take place tomorrow, the showcase that will define the rest of his career in SOPA.





Jongin takes a deep breath as he shakes his body loose along with his crew. His group dance is in the middle of the whole program while his solo is the finale. He tries not to think of the audience, tries not to think that Kyungsoo will be there to watch. He takes deep breaths and lets them all out.

“You’re going to be fine.” Lu Han says with a smile and Jongin hopes his hyung is right.

“Ok, Machines, get ready, you’re up next.” Minseok, the stage director says, as he ushers Jongdae backstage. The dance crew positions themselves for their entrance.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Some of you have been waiting for this performance since the school year began. We’ve gathered the best performers from all year levels and now they will perform as one. Give it up for Machine!” Kris, the MC, says.

The whole crowd screams as Jongin and the rest of the crew take their positions. Jongin tries not to smirk at the idea that everyone is watching him. The lights are dimmed and everyone has their heads bowed. The crowd has gone quiet.

Then the music plays and everyone goes wild as the dancers move to the beat, each one bringing the song a different meaning. Jongin looks out into the crowd but sees nothing but light. He tries not to look for Kyungsoo lest he mess up and before he knows it the song is over and the next performer is up as they are ushered backstage.

“You guys did great! Now, Lay, you’re up after this, go change.” Their instructor says. Everyone in Machine had solo dances and Jongin’s heart pounded at the thought that he was closing the program tonight. That itself was a big honor.

“Ok everyone, remember, if you make a mistake just keep moving. You may go change.” The group disperses and Jongin changes his clothes for his solo dance. He shakes his limbs to loosen himself up. He’s never really been nervous before and he doesn’t know why he’s nervous now.

“Hey, I saw Kyungsoo out there.” Sehun says clad in his all black ensemble.

Jongin smiles at him. “Really?”

“Yeah, let’s go see them when you’re done, okay? Until then, try not to look like you’re going to faint.” Sehun jokes and leaves as he positions himself because he’s after Lay. The solo dances take up less time than Jongin assumed and he’s pacing back and forth when there’s only one more person before him. Lu Han takes the stage and Jongin takes deep breaths again. After Lu Han, it will be him.

“Jongin,” His instructor calls out. “I just wanted to tell you how great you’ve improved over the past two years and that no matter what happens tonight, I’m proud of you.” His instructor smiles at him and he almost cries at his words because his instructor is really hard to please. The man just puts a hand on his shoulder and it’s enough for Jongin to calm his nerves, if only a little.

“Jongin-ssi,” Minseok calls out. “You’re next.”

Jongin nods as he positions himself. He sees Lu Han bow and smile at the crowd, the girls screaming and Jongin wants to laugh but Lu Han is already in front of him and wishing him a good luck before he can even do it.

“Some of you may know him as Kim Jongin but tonight he will shine under a different name. Tonight, let us end this year’s showcase with Kai!” The crowd screams even louder. It’s a bit deafening but Jongin can still hear the beat of his heart over all the noise. He stands in the middle of the stage and all the lights are out. He takes a deep breath and the music begins.

The piano plays a soft melody and Jongin brings a hand out and presses his fingers on imaginary keys. It feels as if he is actually playing a piano. As soon as the voice sings out the lyrics, Jongin moves his hands as if to take it away from his imaginary piano and lets the song take control of his body. The music is slow but with every beat there is Jongin’s movements are strong and precise. He lets the emotion of the song envelop him, lets the movement of his whole body define the song as he moves.

He looks out into the audience and to his surprise he finds himself eye to eye with Kyungsoo. He sucks in a breath but doesn’t stop his dancing. He is surprised at his professionalism but doesn’t ponder on it too much. He focuses on the dance, on the music and never takes his eyes off Kyungsoo’s.

The next thing he knows is that the song is coming to an end, he makes his finishing twirl and when he stops, he finds himself looking straight at Kyungsoo once more and his heart shouts out ‘This is for you’. And he takes his hand out again where his imaginary piano is and his fingers press imaginary keys and then he looks away from the crowd and the lights dim.

The crowd goes wild as Jongin exits the stage, only to be stopped by the MC as the rest of the performers take the stage.

“Let’s give it up for, Kai!” Kris says as the crowd cheers and Kai makes a small bow and smiles a bit shyly at the crowd. The rest of the students reach the middle of the stage and Kris clears his throat as the performers line themselves up.

“We would like to thank everyone who came to our year end showcase tonight.” Kris begins. “As well as Principal Kim for making all of this happen. We also thank the students who volunteered and helped out with the production. To the graduates whose scholarships depended on the success of tonight’s show congratulations! You all did a great job!” At this the crowd laughs. “But most of all, thank you and congratulations to our performers!”

Everyone claps and cheers as each of the performers are given bouquets and they each bow in return.

“May each of you continue to shine in your chosen career paths.” Kris finishes and the performers all hold hands and bow together. Jongin is sweaty but still full of energy. His legs feel a little bit like jelly but his smile is wide and he’s so happy. Sehun puts an arm around his shoulder and they toast bouquets as Lu Han appears.

“Come on! Let’s go meet Kyungsoo outside! I told him they could meet us at the entrance backstage.” Lu Han pulls on Jongin and Sehun’s hands and Jongin feels like it’s going to be a good night. When the door for the backstage entrance opens, Jongin finds Kyungsoo holding hands with Joonmyun, flushed cheeks due to the heat of the crowd and a little sweaty. Jongin feels his stomach churn. He wipes his sweaty forehead feeling the results of his strenuous dancing.

“You looked amazing!” Kyungsoo compliments Jongin and both Sehun and Lu Han whine at how Kyungsoo didn’t seem to notice their dancing.

“I wish I could have entered SOPA.” Joonmyun supplies and he tells them how he’s always wanted to be a singer and then proceeds to compliment all the performers and how he was shocked to see Lu Han sing.

“You guys are so talented.” Joonmyun finishes and Sehun and Lu Han just laugh. Jongin forces a chuckle because he can’t seem to take his eyes away from the hand holding. A tall figures comes and stands behind Kyungsoo with a shorter male beside him and they both clear their throats.

“Right, I forgot.” Kyungsoo mutters. “Uhm guys these are our friends Chanyeol and Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo gestures to tall person then the short one respectively.

“Hi Chanyeol, Baekhyun. I’m Lu Han, this is my boyfriend, Sehun and his best friend Jongin.” Lu Han introduces as Sehun wraps a protective arm around his waist.

“Nice to meet you!” Chanyeol grins widely and Jongin can’t help but smile at how wide Chanyeol’s smile is and how deep his voice is.

“Wow, Kai ssi, you were really great out there! I’ve heard so much about you from Kyungsoo but you are so much better looking in person.” Baekhyun says disentangling himself from Chanyeol and walking forward to shake Jongin’s hand.

“Ah thanks.” Jongin chuckles nervously.

“Hey Baek, just in case you forgot, I’m your boyfriend.” Chanyeol says as he squeezes himself in between Jongin and Baekhyun.

“Oh shush Chanyeol, you and I both know Kai ssi is hotter than you.” Baekhyun says as he lets Jongin’s hands go and proceeds to ogle him with shining eyes.

“You guys can just call me Jongin, Kai is just my stage name.” Jongin insists and Baekhyun squeals and latches himself onto Chanyeol’s arm, giggling as he does so.

“You’ll have to excuse my boyfriend; he gets a little enthusiastic when it comes to fame.” Chanyeol explains as Baekhyun slaps him on the arm to shut him up.

“And Kyungsoo hyung said Chanyeol hyung was weird.” Jongin couldn’t help but comment.

“Kyungsoo ah, you said that about me?” Chanyeol pouts and everyone just ends up laughing. All of a sudden, Jongin realizes he’s somewhat alone in his own group. Everyone seems to have a significant other on their arm or hand. A slight tug on his heart reminds him of a vision where Kyungsoo had hugged him and he had Kyungsoo in his arms then.

As they laugh at a joke, Jongin looks from one couple to another and finishes with Joonmyun and Kyungsoo and how odd it is that he feels left out, how in the end it’s Jongin who is hurting. How did this even happen, he asks himself, feeling progressively smaller.

“Hey,” Jongin calls out to whoever will listen. Sehun being the good friend that he is, pays Jongin that attention he needs. “I think I’m gonna go home, it’s been a really tiring week for me.”

Sehun nods and everyone else almost doesn’t notice him leave even after he closes the door with a click.

Being a third wheel to Lu Han and Sehun was alright because they didn’t practically ignore him but after being the seventh wheel, he figures, he had been hoping too much.

It hurts a little when he thinks that because he and Kyungsoo are just friends, he will never get the attention that he seeks from Kyungsoo. It hurts when he thinks that even though he’s the star of the night, Kyungsoo’s attention isn’t on him, that Baekhyun has probably paid him the attention he seeks from Kyungsoo. Because even though Kyungsoo hasn’t said it yet, he is in a relationship with Joonmyun. He’s in love with Joonmyun, not Jongin. Jongin can never be Joonmyun.

He puts on a plain white shirt that’s a little too tight but allows all the air in because it’s stuffy where he is. He ties his hoodie on his waists and fixes his black jeans. He hopes that none of his friends are out waiting for him because he doesn’t want to be whatever wheel to them.

Jongin fixes the strap of his duffle bag on his arm and plugs in his earphones so he can block out the rest of the world and just as the beats begin to take over his surroundings, he feels an arm hold him back. He takes out one of the pods and tries not to wince as he hears the faint buzzing noise from it. He looks at the hand on his arm and follows the arm that leads to Kyungsoo who smiles at him a little guiltily.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo says and Jongin takes the other pod out and pauses his music as the door shuts behind them.

“Hey,” Jongin looks around notices most of the crowd is gone and Kyungsoo is the only left amongst his friends. “Where’s everyone?”

“Oh they went home. Sehun and Lu Han went on a date though.” Kyungsoo says as he follows Jongin to wherever he will go.

“Why didn’t you go home with your friends?”

“I wanted to apologize about earlier, you seemed uncomfortable with my friends and I guess that was my fault for not being considerate.” Kyungsoo smiles sheepishly at him and Jongin sighs as they pause in their walking.

“You’ve got great friends, hyung but I don’t want to be the seventh wheel in a group. Being the third wheel to Lu Han hyung and Sehun was easy because they both made sure not to leave me out. But two other couples whom I barely know, that’s a bit hard.”

Kyungsoo gives him another sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay hyung. I know you just want me to meet your friends, it’s not your fault they’re in a relationship.” They laugh at this.

“Wait, did you just assume that Joonmyun and I are in a relationship?” Kyungsoo says after some time as they continue their walking. Jongin chuckles and he hopes it doesn’t sound forced.

“Hyung, it’s obvious. I can see the way you look at him,” because that is how you would look at me in my visions, he thinks. “and I see the way he looks at you,” because that is how I look at you, he adds in his thoughts. “The same way Sehun and Lu Han look at each other.” He allows a soft solemn smile appear on his lips and Kyungsoo flushes in embarrassment and looks away.

“I’d love to meet your friends again next time, maybe you can tell them not to be too much like Sehun and Lu Han.” Jongin jokes when he thinks the silence is too much.

“That’d be great.” Kyungsoo says with a small smile, still not looking at Jongin.

“Well, this is where we part ways, I guess.” Jongin says stopping to face Kyungsoo who looks up and realizes Jongin is right.

“Thanks for coming tonight, hyung.” Jongin smiles sincerely and Kyungsoo returns the gesture and Jongin thinks that maybe it wasn’t the fact that he’s a seventh wheel that made his night so bad.

“You’re welcome. It was fun watching you be amazing.” And Jongin laughs.

“Good night, hyung.” He whispers softly and he can’t help but think of how tempting it is to kiss Kyungsoo on the forehead because he does this in his visions, but now, with Joonmyun in the picture, that would be crossing the line of their friendship.

“Good night, Jongin-ah.” Kyungsoo’s eyes turn into crescents again as he smiles and walks in the opposite direction, and all Jongin can think is that it definitely wasn’t being seventh wheel that made him want to go home. But because there are all these couples around him and he remembers in his visions how he used to be together with Kyungsoo in the same group. There was no Joonmyun and Kyungsoo, only Jongin and Kyungsoo.

Later that night, as Jongin lies on his bed, when he closes his eyes, he sees Kyungsoo holding his hands, he feels his arms wrap around Kyungsoo’s waist and when Kyungsoo turns to look at him in the eyes, he wonders how old they are and what year is this. Kyungsoo whispers something in his ear but he can’t register the words. And then Kyungsoo pulls on his hands and they’re facing a mirror and Jongin is a bit shocked to find himself wearing SOPA’s standard toga for graduating seniors. Kyungsoo kisses his cheeks and he hears him whisper, “Congratulations valedictorian.”

He opens his eyes and finds himself in his room. He takes a moment to remind himself of the situation. He’s an incoming Junior. Kyungsoo is Joonmyun’s boyfriend. Kyungsoo is just his friend. Maybe when he graduates, Kyungsoo will be his boyfriend. He shakes his head.

Maybe when he graduates, Kyungsoo will still be his friend.

He sighs.

He’d be lucky if by the time he graduates Kyungsoo will still be his friend.

Friend. Soon enough, Jongin begins to hate that word because he never wanted to be just friends, but now all he can be is a friend. A small voice in his head wonders if it would hurt less if they weren’t friends at all.

Jongin closes his eyes.

He starts doubting the future again.





graduation

It’s easy to fall back into the routine of studying and dancing. Sehun, busy with his own life, has stopped pestering him about it. Jongin doesn’t mind because it’s his own fault for pushing people away. He’s stopped going to the store, too busy perfecting dance routines and learning new techniques and styles, too busy getting good grades just in case he doesn’t get scouted. That’s what he tells himself when he’s so tired and he’s falling asleep and dreaming of Kyungsoo.

Because in reality, he’s not busy.

Because in reality, he just doesn’t want to see Kyungsoo.

“Hey,” Jongin looks up from his book to see Sehun sitting in front of him. “You look like you’re dying, you know that?” For some reason, Jongin laughs. He laughs so hard even though it’s not funny but Sehun smiles anyways because he understands why Jongin is laughing, why Jongin is pushing himself.

“You know, being like this won’t make it go away.” Sehun says when Jongin is done laughing.

He doesn’t look up from his book as he eats his lunch.

“Make what go away?”

“The pain.”

Jongin snaps his book close. The sound it makes is deafening even though the noise in the cafeteria drowns it out. He sighs. “That obvious?”

“Very.” Sehun smirks as he steals some of Jongin’s food. He doesn’t notice or care for that matter. He’s not really hungry anyways. He looks at his Chemistry book and it feels like it’s mocking him for being a coward.

“I just--” Jongin begins, but he doesn’t really know what to say, or how to say what he wants to say. But Sehun waits, because that’s what Sehun does, he listens to Jongin when no one else would bother. “I don’t know how to deal with this. I didn’t think it’d be this hard. In my visions he was already mine, I had no idea this was going to happen.” His hands take refuge in his hair, messing it up.

“He asks about you. Kyungsoo hyung.” Sehun starts when he knows Jongin is done and is going to listen to every word he says. “I bump into him sometimes and he asks me why you won’t reply to his texts or why he doesn’t see you around the store anymore. I think he’s genuinely worried for you.”

Jongin sighs. That’s not what he wanted to hear.

Sehun smiles as if he understands what Jongin’s thinking. And maybe he does.

“Love is never easy, Jongin. Especially true love. But you’ve got all these opportunities in front of you, don’t throw them away. Joonmyun may be his present, but you’re Kyungsoo’s future.” Sehun finishes, a serious look on his face and Jongin is almost surprised that it’s not his usual poker face. Jongin smiles, in what seems like a long time (it has been a long time actually).

“Thanks, Sehunnie.” Sehun visibly cringes at the nickname but smiles anyways and laughs. Jongin laughs as well. His phone vibrates in his pocket and out of habit, takes it out and reads the message.

His heart stops.

From: 도경수
Hey.

He sees all the other messages that have been left unreplied but read. At the top he sees ‘are you okay?’ the one before the most recent says ‘are you still alive? :)))’.

To: 도경수
Hey yourself.

He tucks his phone back into his pocket and finds Sehun smirking at him. He just grins back and they finish eating whatever’s left of Jongin’s food.

It’s easy to fall back to his routine of studying and dancing but Jongin knows it’s time to stop.

“I can’t believe you managed to waste more than half of Junior year sulking.” Sehun mutters as Jongin peers at the different drinks inside the freezer.

“Whatever, at least with my grades I can get academic scholarships from various universities.” Jongin shrugs as he grabs a can of Chilsung.

“Dude with the way you’re practicing you’re dancing, I don’t think you’re going to college.” Sehun jokes and they laugh as they proceed to pay for their things.

“Jongin ah!” Jongin recognizes the voice and on instinct turns around to face the person he’d least expected to see.

“Kyungsoo hyung, Joonmyun hyung.” Jongin gulps at the sight of Joonmyun’s hand on Kyungsoo’s waist. It’s such an intimate gesture that it makes Jongin want to sprint out of there.

“Long time no see, Jongin ah.” Joonmyun says with a bright smile. Sehun puts an arm around his shoulders.

“We heard from Sehun you were busy.” Kyungsoo adds his smile lighting up his eyes.

“More like hiding.” Sehun whispers but Jongin elbows him anyways. Joonmyun gestures for them to sit on one of the tables that Jongin notices is a new addition to the convenience store. He tries not to think about just how long he’s been gone.

“So how come you’ve been busy a lot?” Joonmyun asks taking a sip from his slushie. Jongin swallows his own saliva. He wasn’t expecting a confrontation from the couple so soon. He takes a deep breath and tries to think of a reason why he would bury himself into studying and dancing aside from the truth of not wanting to see Joonmyun and Kyungsoo together.

“I was studying so my grades wouldn’t look bad on College applications and then I had to practice so that scouts from multiple agencies would be impressed. Plus, my instructor told me I had a lot to cover this year.” He finishes and it’s not half a lie.

Sehun scoffs. “We’re in the same year and you don’t see me studying and dancing as hard as you.”

“And that’s why you’ll always be second best.” Jongin remarks with a smirk and everyone laughs except for Sehun who speaks of revenge as he gulps down his gatorade. For some strange reason he finds himself alone with Kyungsoo after a while. This day is slowly throwing him more surprises, surprises that Jongin isn't quite sure how to handle.

“You look like hell.” Kyungsoo jokes and Jongin gives him a sheepish smile rubbing his eyes and feeling the slight heaviness in them. He hasn’t been sleeping well since he started avoiding Kyungsoo and the dreams recently make him wake up earlier than usual and finds it hard to go back to sleep. He uses the time to either study or dance.

“I feel like hell.”

“So I’m guessing you really haven’t been going to the field?” Kyungsoo asks and as Jongin looks into his eyes he can feel the slight tense of his body ebb away just slightly.

“I kind of forgot about it.” Jongin chuckles rubbing the back of his neck.

“Why don’t we go before going home? I bet it would make you feel better.” Kyungsoo smiles and doesn’t wait for Jongin to respond as he holds on to Jongin’s wrist pulling him up and out of his chair.

They exit the convenience store and make their way to the field catching up on the past year.

“You know I sometimes waited for you to drop by.” Kyungsoo admits a pinkish hue tainting his cheeks. Jongin smiles at Kyungsoo’s obvious embarrassment and tries not to think too much of it. He tries not to think about how that is exactly the reason why he didn’t go to the garden, afraid of running into Kyungsoo, or maybe Kyungsoo and Joonmyun. He’d rather shield his eyes and heart from even more heartbreak. The hand holding is already too much.

“Really?”

“Yeah, well you stopped replying and I couldn’t really talk to you. I was beginning to think you were avoiding me or something.” Kyungsoo shrugs not meeting Jongin’s eyes. “But then I kept bumping into Sehun and he told me you were just really busy and that you were doing it to him too.” Kyungsoo laughs at this and looks at Jongin, and when their eyes meet, Kyungsoo swiftly looks straight ahead. “You have a tendency to be a bad friend when you’re so focused with your career, Jongin ah.”

Jongin laughs as he looks straight ahead because it’s true and he can’t say anything to that. He shrugs and says, “I’m sorry. I’ve always been like that since middle school. Which is why I only have Sehun.”

“But now you have me, too, right?” Kyungsoo asks and when Jongin turns to look at Kyungsoo, time seems to stop because Kyungsoo is looking at him and this time none of them are looking away. The question is ringing in his ears, echoing in his mind and he knows it’s an innocent enough question but his heart rate triples anyways and he can’t breathe properly.

“Yeah.” He manages to reply. Kyungsoo beams at him and Jongin wishes time would really stop right then and there because this is what he wants. This is also what he can’t have.

Jongin turns his head away and his breath catches in his throat as he is greeted by the sunset view of the field. The red orange sky bathes him in a relaxing ambience and he takes slow several steps to the garden, sitting down on the soft grass not even waiting for Kyungsoo. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Every exhale feels like all the tiredness of his sleepless nights are fading. There’s rustling beside him and he finds Kyungsoo lying down on the grass with eyes closed.

He wishes for a moment he hadn’t stopped going to this place in fear of seeing Kyungsoo or Kyungsoo with Joonmyun. This place would have been a magical stress reliever for him after his dance classes. He lies down on the ground, pretending he doesn’t notice the warmth that Kyungsoo’s body emanates from beside him.

“I’m going to miss this when I graduate.” Kyungsoo begins eyes still closed. Jongin keeps his eyes trained on the sky but hums to show that he’s listening.

“This is probably the only downside of dorming.” Kyungsoo says with a sigh. Jongin turns his head to look at Kyungsoo whose eyes are admiring the sky. “And of course not being able to get to see you.” Kyungsoo smiles at him and Jongin’s heart skips a beat. “I’m really glad we’re okay. I don’t think I could have handled graduating from high school thinking there was something wrong with our friendship.” Kyungsoo finishes with a laugh and Jongin smiles, albeit a little bitterly.

“Sorry again hyung. I promise I won’t push you away anymore.” Kyungsoo pats him on the head, his fingers feel like they’re tangling in his hair a lot longer than they should. A blush forms in his cheeks and he hopes Kyungsoo doesn’t notice.

“When’s your graduation?” Jongin asks when Kyungsoo’s hand pulls away.

“In a month.” Kyungsoo sighs.

“You don’t seem to like the idea of graduating.” Jongin jokes. Kyungsoo shakes his head with a smile.

“Just scared of the future, you know? I don’t know what’s going to happen. Will I still be with Joonmyun? Will I like my university? Will I be able to make friends?” Jongin pretends the first question doesn’t hurt. Jongin wants to tell Kyungsoo how it isn’t the future he’s afraid of but the present that changes the future that he knows. That the present scares him more than the future because he’s seen his future, but he guesses that somewhere along the present, he’s made decisions that altered things.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Jongin reassures, although it sounds like he’s assuring himself. “The future isn’t so scary. You just have to make the right decisions.”

Kyungsoo laughs. “You know, I haven’t known you for very long but it feels like we’ve been friends for a really long time.” Kyungsoo smiles and his eyes turn into little crescents and Jongin feels the sincerity of his words because he feels the same way. He tries not to think about how maybe they’re so at ease with each other because they’re supposed have already met when freshman year started, supposed to already be in a relationship by this time.

“I’m going to miss you.” Kyungsoo admits shyly and Jongin almost chokes on air.

“I’ll miss you, too, hyung.” He whispers back, eyes trying to avoid meeting Kyungsoo’s.

“Good.” Kyungsoo says as he pokes Jongin on the stomach. “That’s why you have to reply whenever I text you, okay?” Kyungsoo holds out his pinky and it’s a little childish Jongin comments but he thinks it’s exactly how Kyungsoo is. He entangles his own pinky to Kyungsoo’s and whispers, “It’s a promise, hyung.”




Jongin stands at the back of the crowd, his uniform making him easily recognizable. He has a wide grin on his face as he holds the bouquet in his hands. He looks at the stage in front and sees he’s just in time. People don’t take much notice of him, some of the students whisper as they point in his direction but he ignores them.

“Do Kyungsoo,” A teacher says and Jongin’s heart beat triples. He looks for a graduate to stand up from his seat, and when his eyes catch the sight of a familiar back, he follows him with his eyes.

Even from a distance, he knows it’s Kyungsoo. The smile on his face widens with pride as the teacher announces Kyungsoo’s countless awards, he can barely see the smile on Kyungsoo’s face but he knows it’s there and it’s wide and blinding.

His heart aches somehow as a feeling of deja vu wraps itself around him. Fragments of something similar flash in his mind and it feels as if there is someone gripping at his heart. Kyungsoo goes to the front of the stage, eyes seemingly surveying the crowd and then it feels as though Kyungsoo is looking straight into his eyes. Kyungsoo smiles and takes a bow. Jongin swears for a moment that smile was for him.

Once the ceremony is over, Jongin makes his way over the crowd to get to Kyungsoo and his friends so he can congratulate him properly. He takes big strides so he can get there quickly, almost as if someone is telling him to get there as soon as possible.

He is just a few feet away when he spots Joonmyun and Kyungsoo tight in each other’s’ embrace. Jongin’s heart stops beating. He feels like the world has stopped revolving except for the two right in front of him who are moving in slow motion. They pull apart and Jongin knows what’s going to happen next. He takes a deep breath as if to somehow make time move again. Joonmyun closes his eyes and so does Kyungsoo. Jongin can’t move, he can’t turn away and he can’t breathe properly. When Kyungsoo’s lips meet Joonmyun’s, Jongin drops the bouquet. The world begins to move again. The noise of the cheering crowd deafens him. He needs to get out of this place. He needs to run away. Without thinking anymore, he runs.

His vision is blurred and he realizes there are tears in his eyes. He wipes them away but they just keep coming back.

He stops running and finds himself back in Kyungsoo’s secret hiding place. The tears don’t stop flowing no matter how hard he brushes them away with the sleeves of his uniform. His heart hurts so much he can’t breathe.

Jongin screams, he screams so loudly he’s sure he’ll lose his voice the next day. All he can think about is how it was supposed to be him who was kissing Kyungsoo congratulations.

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