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wheredreamslast2013-08-31 08:44 pm
darkyulate) wrote in wheredreamslast2013-08-31 08:44 pm
The blurred lines (between fantasy and reality) 1/3
Title: The blurred lines (between fantasy and reality)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: D.O./Kai, D.O./Suho
Word Count: 24,013
Warnings: n/a
Summary: The future shows Jongin what he’s going to get. The present makes sure it will never happen.
Notes: Originally posted here for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
sncj_bigbang
Spanish translation by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nimsshi
one
The first time it happens, Jongin is five. For a moment, all he sees are wide eyes and pale skin. He closes his eyes in fear and when he opens them again, he’s back in his room, alone. Jongin is young then, unable to process the things that happen around him, or to him. In the end, he remembers nothing.
two
The second time it happens, Jongin is in his last year of Junior High. School has him knocked out cold, breathing hard and labored, and the next thing he knows, he is no longer in his room: no longer around his blue, Pororo bed sheets, no longer wearing junior high jogging pants. Instead his bed is covered in black and white sheets but as he looks around, he realizes it's still his room. He feels a bit panicky.
Maybe mom changed the sheets last night. Jongin tries to come up with an explanation, but he can’t bring himself to believe his own words. He finds himself walking to the bathroom, feet moving of their own accord, and, at first, he doesn't see anything weird but when he looks into the mirror it isn't him that's looking back at him.
He stumbles back, heart beating wildly, because the older boy looking back at him can't possibly be him. But it is.
Jongin touches his hair and the reflection does too. His hair is long, longer than the school's policy haircut, and he's taller and leaner than he can remember.
"Jongin!"
Jongin turns around and is surprised to see a boy whose skin is pale, so pale, with short hair and dark, wide eyes. His heart skips a beat.
"There you are! We're going to be late! Hurry up!"
The person's voice is deep and alluring, and Jongin reaches out to touch the person's cheek. The touch feels familiar, though he's certain he has never seen this person before. The boy stares at him, his eyes asking a silent question. Jongin doesn’t have any answers.
"You're warm." Jongin says, dumbly, as his palm rests on the boy's cheek. There is an odd sense of rightness in the feeling, in the warmth he is feeling.
The boy glares at him.
"Of course I'm warm. It means I'm alive, idiot." The boy shakes his hand away and tells him to finish getting ready so they can get going.
Jongin is a bit unsure with what exactly he is to do but, once again, his body seems to know what it’s doing. He takes a bath, picks some clothes, clothes Jongin doesn’t even remember owning, and walks out of the house with the boy. They walk to a nearby cafe where there are more people around his age, some faces are recognizable, faces that attend the Junior High that Jongin goes to, others he is seeing for the first time.
He finds himself understanding the conversations that take place, starting his own even, and telling stories from memories that he isn’t sure are actually his. There is an odd sense of detachment as he interacts, as if he's allowed to feel, see, hear all that goes around him but he can't control his actions, much less the flow of events.
The day passes by in a blur and Jongin finds himself back in the house, with the boy whose name he still doesn't know, another strange occurrence in the grand list of things.
"Hyung," he starts just to be safe because he can't exactly call the boy 'Hey' especially since he acts like he's older. The boy turns around, eyes wide, and his smile is probably splitting his face but Jongin’s heart feels warm, content.
"You called me hyung! You never call me hyung! Jongin–ah, are you okay?" His voice is deep and filled with laughter, urging Jongin to laugh along.
Jongin isn’t given enough time to explain his choice of words.
"So? Why call me hyung?" The boys smirks. "What is it that you want that you have to call me hyung and not the usual 'Kyungsoo yah'?"
Jongin doesn't really remember much after that.
The next thing he knows is he's back in his bedroom, not a minute has passed and the weekend has just rolled around. The day’s events seem like a faraway dream, fading away slowly as the day progresses but the boy’s name is embedded into his memory. Kyungsoo.
When the night comes, Jongin lies in his bed and closes his eyes. He imagines Kyungsoo standing in front of him and stretches his hand out in front of him. He touches nothing but air, but he can still feel the warmth of Kyungsoo's cheek against his palm.
three
The third time it happens, it's during Jongin’s summer break and the heat is making him a little dizzy. He turns on the air conditioner in his room, lying down as he sets it to the highest level, and closes his eyes.
When he opens them, he finds himself in a classroom. He watches Sehun, his best friend, walk towards him the minute their teacher dismisses the class. Jongin’s eye twitches when he notices that Sehun is wearing the uniform of a school they don't go to.
"Hey, we should go meet the hyungs for lunch," Sehun says and Jongin feels himself nod and pack his things immediately.
They stop by the restroom first and Jongin catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He's wearing the same uniform as Sehun and it's a high school uniform. The uniform of a school whose acceptance he turned down along with Sehun just few weeks ago. He gapes at his reflection. The outside of his shirt pocket reads ‘Year 1’ and Jongin doesn't know what to make of it because he's still in Junior High and he won't even be going to this school.
"Jongin ah, let's go." Sehun rouses him from his thoughts and they walk out of the restroom. Jongin's head is filled with so many questions. He doesn't understand what this is supposed to mean.
They manage to make small talk as they continue to walk which surprises him because he doesn’t even know what they are talking about, but Sehun doesn’t show any signs of suspicion.
When they reach the field, he sees the same people from a memory he's slightly forgotten. It feels weird because he can’t remember the faces of those who didn’t attend his Junior High, but looking at them now, he knows it's them, that they’re his friends.
"Sehun ah, Jongin ah! What took you guys so long? We were hungry!" A tall guy with short black hair says and his voice is so deep that it takes Jongin by surprise. He doesn't expect it but, at the same time, he does. Jongin vaguely registers the name 'Chanyeol'.
"Yah, Chanyeol–ah! We told you we could eat, don't blame the freshmen for your hunger issues." A short boy says as he slaps Chanyeol on the head. The name 'Baekhyun' enters Jongin’s mind.
"Stop it, you two." Another short boy says, with hair a bit longer and shining crimson red under the sun. Baekhyun and Chanyeol have the decency to break apart their almost-brawl. Jongin looks at the boy who last spoke and he finds himself saying and smiling, "Hey, Joonmyun–hyung."
He and Sehun sit down then, and that's when they notice another presence behind Joonmyun.
"Jongin ah, Sehun ah, meet Kyungsoo, he's my..." Jongin doesn't hear anything past that because all of a sudden Kyungsoo is there smiling at him. His eyes are wide but they crinkle as he smiles, his skin is still as pale as he remembers and his heart begins to beat radically.
"Nice to meet you."
Kyungsoo bows and stretches out his hand. When Jongin shakes it, his breath hitches and his heart is beating so loud now that it’s all he can hear.
He bolts upright and finds himself in his room. The air condition has cooled his room to a comfortable temperature but he's sweating. He checks the time and realizes not much has passed. Wiping his forehead with his hand, he lies back down trying to cool himself. He takes deep breaths and tries to recollect his thoughts.
He doesn't understand the meaning of those dreams, if that is what they are: dreams.
Jongin looks at his hand and remembers the warmth of Kyungsoo's hand in his and the electricity that coursed through his entire body. He doesn't understand it, there’s no way he could, but he knows one thing's for sure: all of it comes back to Kyungsoo.
He falls back asleep that afternoon and doesn't dream.
When he wakes up, he can barely remember the dream he had of Kyungsoo. He can't remember details, can’t remember the other faces. All he remembers is Kyungsoo and his smile and the warmth of Kyungsoo’s hand in his.
four
The next time it happens, Jongin closes his eyes to blink and when he opens them he's back to where Kyungsoo exists. He looks around, searching for him and his eyes focus in on the huge graduation banner that hangs in front of the stage. The audience is clapping at something the announcer has just said.
"Jongin, the principal called your name." Jongin looks to his back and sees Sehun there, still in that high school uniform he wore from last time. He feels himself nod and stand up to approach the stage. The principal shakes his hand while his parents give him his medals. He gets called on stage a number of times after that. He receives several honors ranging from best in Math to being at the top of his batch for that school year. All five of his medals are gold.
He realizes that on his school uniform's pocket patch are the words 'Year 3'. He doesn't have much time to ponder on it because the senior class is being called on stage now.
"Do Kyungsoo."
And Jongin feels like all the breath has been knocked out of his lungs as he sees Kyungsoo walk up the stage in his toga accepting the diploma with his parents and then bowing. Kyungsoo gets called up the stage a few more times for a few special awards. A silver medal for placing second in a contest, a gold medal for being best in English, and another silver for being the batch's salutatorian.
Sehun and Jongin agree to congratulate their seniors for graduating. Jongin's heart is on overdrive, pounding like there's no tomorrow, as he looks for Kyungsoo in the crowd. And Kyungsoo stands there, smiling up at him with those eyes of his, the way in which Jongin’s heart feels like it’s drowning.
"Jongin," Kyungsoo starts. "Congratulations on all your awards." He says excitedly and Jongin feels a blush decorate his cheeks. He palms his nape in embarrassment.
"Thanks hyung." He smiles sheepishly as Kyungsoo walks forward.
"Well?" Kyungsoo smirks at him and Jongin laughs and he doesn't know why but it feels right to laugh. He leans forward with a small smile on his face, eyes staring into Kyungsoo’s.
"Congratulations as well hyung." He whispers because his face is only centimeters apart from Kyungsoo's and Kyungsoo is closing his eyes so he does, too.
There is a second of hesitation but then he feels his lips touch something soft and he knows it's Kyungsoo's lips on his. He caresses Kyungsoo's cheek to deepen and prolong the kiss for a little while. The warmth on his hand and on his lips is so real that he knows he isn't dreaming but when he pulls away and opens his eyes, there is no Kyungsoo in front of him.
He doesn't forget anything from that dream. He remembers everything, the kiss and the warmth embedded into his lips, hand and heart.
dreams
He stops counting after that.
Jongin doesn’t want to think of himself as crazy but the dreams, if he can still call them that, are getting even worse. They’re appearing sporadically now, and their frequency frustrates him to no end. One minute, he’s having dinner with his family and the next, he’s sitting next to Kyungsoo.
He vaguely considers telling his mom because mothers are usually supposed to know things, but he shakes his head and turns down the idea. His mother’s best may entail a session with a psychiatrist. He doesn’t really like the idea of spilling his heart out to a shrink who may just convince his parents he’s crazy, which he’s sure he’s not. Maybe.
Jongin needs to tell someone what's going on with him. He needs someone to tell him that he isn't going crazy. He contemplates about telling his best friend but he knows Sehun will just be like his mother. He thinks about calling Sehun and just going with it but realizes he doesn't exactly have the right words to say to his best friend, he doesn't even know where to start. He holds and stares at his phone one last time before tossing it on his bed and walking towards his desk.
On his desk are two letters from two different schools. He takes the one on the right and he thumbs the embossed seal of the school.
"SM Academy," he reads aloud and skims the words that are already printed on this brain.
We are pleased to tell you...
100% scholarship
Congratulations!
Principal,
Lee Soo Man
He puts the paper down and grabs the other one on the left. It looks like an invitation instead of an acceptance letter.
The header of the letter reads 'School of Performing Arts'. The letter is different from the other in more ways than one. This letter just screams of art and talent.
Congratulations, Mr. Kim Jongin!
100% scholarship
See you next school year!
He puts the letter down and looks around for his phone, picking it up and dialing Sehun’s number the next second.
"Hello? Jongin?"
"Sehun," Jongin doesn't mean to sound desperate. He sighs, "do you think I made the right decision, picking SOPA over SMA?"
Sehun laughs on the other line like Jongin's question is one of the stupidest things he's heard.
"Look Jongin, even if you were to regret it now, there's nothing you can do about it. You've already sent SMA your letter of declination."
"I know." He combs his hand through his hair in frustration. "I know that but–"
"But what? Weren't you the one that told me SOPA was for you? That SOPA would give you what SMA couldn't offer? That SOPA would make you the dancer you wanted to be?"
For a moment, Jongin closes his eyes and he imagines himself wearing a blue blazer, the pocket having the logo of SMA, beside him stands another boy with wide eyes. They're holding hands.
He opens his eyes shocked, unable to form words.
"Jongin? Jongin, are you still there?"
"Yeah," he replies, voice a little shaky. "Yeah, I'm still here."
He hears Sehun sigh from the other line. "Look, if you ever have doubts again, think of it like this. What do you want? You want to be a dancer, right? Will SMA make your dreams come true or SOPA? It's all about what you want Jongin. And you want to be a dancer. SOPA will make you a dancer."
When Sehun finishes, Jongin feels like his heart is being torn in two. There is this feeling like this isn't right, as if he isn't meant to be a dancer.
"Thanks Sehun." He manages to sigh.
He barely registers what Sehun replies to him.
Jongin packs his things as soon as the call ends, puts extra clothes in a bag and walks out of his house and dashes for the dance studio where he takes his lessons. He needs to remind himself what his priorities are. He needs to remember what it feels like to dance and how right it is for him.
When the music starts, Jongin lets himself be taken over by the music. He lets the music set his mood and then he begins to move his arms and legs to the music. He closes his eyes so he doesn't have to see his pitiful reflection: a boy who doesn't know what he wants or what he needs.
He dances until he can barely move and he ends with a flop to the ground, panting like there's no tomorrow. The feeling of wrongness has gone but somehow it is replaced by nothing. He doesn't feel right. He feels stuck in limbo, as if there's no choice to be made because both choices are correct.
A chuckle escapes his lips at his analogy.
"I'm going to SOPA. I'm going to be a dancer. Who cares about SMA and Kyungsoo?" He whispers to himself.
After all, he is sure, mostly, that Kyungsoo is just a figment of his imagination. He closes his eyes and he sees himself wearing his yellow blazer from SOPA and he's smiling at someone, but that someone has his back to him. He wishes for the person to turn just so he can see his face. He has this feeling like he knows who this person is. Maybe it's Kyungsoo.
The boy turns slightly, as if someone called his name. Jongin doesn't know for sure but before he can fully see the face of the boy his eyes have opened.
He groans.
Another dream. Dream? Can he still call it a dream?
Vision.
Another vision.
That sounds a little better, he thinks.
school
As soon as his break ends, Jongin tries his best to forget about Kyungsoo, which is hard, very hard, because ever since he made up his mind to go to SOPA, his visions have increased.
He no longer finds himself spending time with Kyungsoo in the yard of what he assumed to be SMA but he finds himself sneaking glances of Kyungsoo from a convenience store. Sometimes he finds himself talking to Kyungsoo, more mature and their discussions a little deeper.
Sometimes he finds himself looking in the mirror eye to eye with Kyungsoo as he watches him dance. This vision occurs frequently but he knows they're not the same, they're from different times. Sometimes he sees himself older, more tired if the weariness in his eyes are any indication, and wonders if he’s seeing the future. Other times, he sees the Jongin he knows he is, young and next to Kyungsoo.
Jongin fixes his yellow blazer, dusting off any invisible dirt.
Today is his first day of school.
He somewhat manages to convince himself that Kyungsoo doesn’t exist, that he really is, and will be, just a figment of his imagination. He shouldn't be so scared, Jongin tells himself, at the idea of never meeting Kyungsoo again.
"Kyungsoo doesn't exist." He repeats to his reflection and grabs his backpack.
He never believes it. He can't believe it. Because somehow, somewhere he knows Kyungsoo exists.
kyungsoo
Jongin makes it a point to study so hard all he thinks about is Math, English and Science. When he isn't studying, Jongin makes it a point to dance his anxiety away. It's not because he's determined to graduate as the valedictorian--contrary to his parents’ belief--or even to be able to become eligible for a dancing scholarship early on in his high school career--contrary to what Sehun thinks. The answer is quite simple, really.
It's not that Jongin doesn't want to graduate at the top of his class because he does, but he doesn't really need to overwork himself to this point. It is because when he is studying and dancing, he doesn't have to feel this longing for something he can't have. This way, he can't feel this desire for someone he doesn't know, he can't feel anything but the emotions the music makes him feel. This way he can avoid a certain wide eyed boy who still plagues him in his visions.
Jongin considers telling Sehun. He feels like he’s going to lose it if he doesn’t talk to someone about it, if he doesn’t have someone else’s opinion.
He’s at a convenience store close to school with Sehun when he’s mulling over this thought, picking some junk food he’d like to eat while he studies for a quiz later that night. His hand reaches out to the last Pocky box on the shelf and he thinks he’s been through something like this.
He has done this before.
When his hands close in on the box, another hand clamps over his and he’s surprised at how familiar the touch is. His eyes trail up the hand and his breath catches in his throat when he looks at the face right next to his.
There, right in front of Jongin, is Do Kyungsoo, all wide eyes and fair skin. Their hands are still touching.
“I’m sorry.” Jongin says with a cough and he quickly adds, “You can have it.”
“Excuse me?” Kyungsoo says surprised by Jongin’s kindness and Jongin gulps and closes his eyes briefly to regain composure because Kyungsoo is right in front of him but how can this be?
“You can have it.” Jongin hands Kyungsoo the Pocky and turns away so quickly he nearly gives himself a headache.
“Kyungsoo.” Jongin whispers, his heart is hammering in his chest and he can’t breathe.
“Jongin! There you are! Hurry up!” Sehun wraps an arm over his shoulders and guides him to the counter. Jongin is too distracted as he looks at his hand where Kyungsoo’s hand landed. The warmth feels so familiar but he’s sure he’s never held Kyungsoo’s hand before.
Not to mention, he’s sure he’d convinced himself Kyungsoo wasn’t real.
“Good night.” Jongin says to Sehun when they’ve already settled, in the bed for Jongin and the sleeping bag on the floor for Sehun.
“Are you okay, Jongin ah?” Sehun asks softly. Jongin is a bit taken aback by the question but replies with a soft yes.
“Don’t lie to me. I’ve noticed how much you’ve changed since summer ended. You’re distracted even when you’re either studying or dancing. I know there’s something wrong and we’ve been friends for a really long time, so tell me Jongin, what’s wrong with you?” Sehun shifts so he can look at Jongin’s form on his bed. Jongin turns to face Sehun, too. He sighs. He wanted to tell Sehun anyways, maybe now would be the perfect time.
“You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone, not my parents or your parents or even that junior, what was his name again?” Jongin begins.
“Lu Han hyung?”
“Yeah him. And you have to promise not to judge me. that you won’t stop being my friend.” Jongin says a bit tentative. He’s really going to do it. Sehun nods a bit warily. Jongin takes a deep breath and tells Sehun all the things he’s been dying to say. From how his dreams started, how they turned into visions when he blinked from time to time to how they turned into alternate/possible realities when he dreamed. He ends with meeting Kyungsoo at the store that day.
Sehun is quiet throughout the whole thing. He looks deep in thought but Jongin isn’t quite sure. Sehun always looks deep in thought to be honest.
“You know what I think?" Sehun begins after a period of silence. "Maybe you’re seeing the future.” Sehun shares and Jongin nods slowly. He’s thought of that to but never really considered it. How can one see the future?
“Why don’t you sleep and when you dream of a vision, tell me what happens and I’ll help you theorize what exactly may be going on with you?” Sehun suggests and Jongin is too tired to even retaliate. It’s not like he minds, on the contrary, he actually likes the idea. But that night he doesn't dream, no visions, no alternate or possible realities, no Kyungsoo. Just a dreamless sleep he's been dying to have.
When he wakes up, he feels well rested and it’s odd, because he wants to see Kyungsoo.
"Sometimes when I blink, I get visions.” Jongin explains later that day, “the visions are just visions, like something I see while my eyes are closed. I don't know what is the trigger but sometimes I get them, sometimes I don't. The dreams are a bit more complicated. The visions are just me seeing things, sure I feel and hear things as well but it's still detached, like I'm just an observer of sorts. The dreams, however, are as if I'm living that life. I'm not just seeing or touching. I'm living it."
"That sounded so emotionally draining,” Sehun says, nodding as he takes it all in. “No wonder you look tired recently."
Jongin bites back the I am tired because I avoid sleeping that rests on the tip of his tongue.
"You have no idea." Jongin says instead. He doesn't tell Sehun that he's feeling better and well-rested because he didn't dream last night. He doesn’t tell Sehun that the wish to see Kyungsoo is burning him inside out.
"Now that you've actually seen Kyungsoo, do you think you are finally in love with him?" Sehun shouts, when Jongin is taking a shower and Jongin pretends he doesn't hear it because he doesn't want to answer, but the words slip past his lips anyway, voice barely over a whisper as he voices his emotions. "I already was. Ever since the first dream."
Maybe Sehun knows, Jongin thinks.
He looks at his hand again, the one that touched Kyungsoo’s and, had once cupped Kyungsoo's cheek in a dream that seems so faint that Jongin isn’t sure if he’s made it up. He brings it to his own cheek. The cold shower makes it hard but he still feels the warmth, he still feels it. It's a supernatural warmth that seems to be born out of dreams and visions but he likes how weird it is. Likes how no matter how many times he convinces himself that Kyungsoo isn't real, the warmth on his hand is enough to change his mind.
"I have always loved him."
store
Jongin doesn’t tell Sehun that he’s in love with Kyungsoo, not because he doesn’t want to but because Sehun already knows. Sehun plays his part as Jongin’s best friend dutifully, offering him advices and ideas that have never crossed Jongin’s mind.
Sehun was the one who had suggested that they stake out at the convenience store where he’d first met Kyungsoo and wait for him to appear. Maybe start a conversation. It seemed like a good idea, but then Jongin was unable to say anything that isn’t an ‘I love you,’ so in the end, they ended up watching Kyungsoo walk in and out of the door.
Sehun stops accompanying him after a while but Jongin still goes, alone. He goes and holds his breath every time Kyungsoo enters the store with that small smile. He ignores the wave of nostalgia that hits him every time the door closes, ignores the feeling of having been here before and done all of this.
In turn, his visions get more complicated. Sometimes he sees Kyungsoo and he thinks they’re a lot older than they are now and they’re eating, holding hands and kissing. Sometimes they’re at this convenience store and he thinks they’re in college and they’re buying Pocky and their fingers lightly touch and the back of their hands brush against each other. There is also that one time where there is no Kyungsoo, a time where it’s just Jongin dancing on a stage and when he finishes there is no one in the audience to applaud.
Sophomore year has just started when Jongin decides to tell Sehun about his new predicament. “I don’t understand.” He starts as they sit by the windows of the convenience store. It’s one of those times Jongin’s managed to drag Sehun to the store. Sehun tries not to roll his eyes as he pulls his chopsticks apart at Jongin’s words. He lets Jongin speak.
“I don’t know why they’re like that all of a sudden. It’s confusing me!” Jongin whispers ignoring the way Sehun doesn’t take a whole lot of interest in their topic. When Sehun is sure Jongin won’t be saying anything anymore, he mixes his instant noodles and faces Jongin with a serious look in his eyes, saying, “Maybe you’re finally seeing alternate possibilities. Like I said, if it’s the future you’re seeing, then it can change, right? Maybe it changes every time you let Kyungsoo walk out of the store.”
Jongin eyes Sehun before slowly nodding in understanding. He turns to his can of coke and decides he would rather eat something with that. He stands up and turns as he hears the door of the store open, his mind too busy thinking of a future with Kyungsoo, thinking of the possible futures with Kyungsoo and that one time where there was no Kyungsoo and what it means. He absentmindedly grabs onto the box of Pocky and he feels a jolt of electricity run through the tips of his fingers to his arms and all the way to his heart. He looks up in surprise and finds himself face to face with Kyungsoo.
“Kyungsoo,” Jongin whispers but Kyungsoo must’ve heard because he looks startled.
“Kyungsoo,” someone else calls out, someone who looks a little too familiar to Jongin. Kyungsoo turns around to look at the new presence, hand leaving Jongin’s as he does so.
“Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo says and there’s something about the way these two look that makes Jongin turn around on his heels, grab Sehun and run out of the store.
“Kyungsoo was with someone else,” Jongin says tentatively once they have slowed down.
Sehun looks at him sympathetically.
Jongin spends the rest of his days dancing and studying, and shamefully, spying. He brings his books to the store now, doesn’t matter if Sehun’s not with him, and watches Kyungsoo. Sometimes, Joonmyun is there too.
Jongin has been coming for almost a year now, hurting more every time as he watches Kyungsoo and Joonmyun look at each other, at the way they stand too close sometimes, and at the way their hands brush lightly against each other’s. The thing that hurts the most, though, is the way Kyungsoo blushes, flustered and red like he’s a little in love.
Maybe he is, Jongin thinks, even when he is supposed to be his.
He closes his book loudly in the all quiet store and stuffs his belongings in his bag just as he sees Kyungsoo and Joonmyun walk in, hands holding onto each other’s. Jongin thinks this is too much, even for him, and settles for walking out, shoulder hitting painfully against Kyungsoo’s and he doesn’t apologize as he tries to breathe and walk calmly ahead. He doesn’t turn around, doesn’t look back and just keeps walking and pretends that everything is fine, everything will be fine.
He doesn’t think about how he’s had visions of this time, how he’d seen Kyungsoo do those things with him and not Joonmyun, how in his visions they’d done the same thing and maybe it had been around the same time. He ignores his heart and when he gets home, for the first time, he plops himself on his bed and just shuts down.
Jongin wakes up to someone kissing him on the lips.
His eyes flutter open to find Kyungsoo smiling widely at him. There are small lines present in the sides of Kyungsoo’s eyes as they turn into crescents, lines that tell Jongin that Kyungsoo is older than the last time he saw him. Jongin caresses his soft cheek and brings Kyungsoo’s face closer once more and kisses him.
In his dreams is where he can have Kyungsoo.
The days roll by and Jongin decides to stop visiting the convenience store for a while.
In turn he doesn’t see Kyungsoo behind closed lids anymore. The visions still appear when he blinks but disappear almost instantly. He doesn’t know what the change means but accepts it without a question, a part of him glad that he doesn’t have to see Kyungsoo and think of how he will never have him., a part of him is glad he’s getting a good night’s sleep again.
“Hey,” Sehun greets as he sits down in front of Jongin in the cafeteria, the buzz of the students drowning out his voice a little but Jongin hears him even though he doesn’t want to acknowledge his presence. Sehun sighs as he puts his tray down. “Look, stop being so sulky. It’s not the end of the world. You’re just in your second year, maybe Kyungsoo will fall in love with you next year.” Jongin doesn’t tell him how he’s had visions where he’s sure he was a sophomore and Kyungsoo was in them, talking to him like they were old friends.
Jongin looks up and gives Sehun a halfhearted smile, the best he can muster as of now. “Thanks.” He whispers as he forks his food in his mouth. He sighs.
“Look, I was thinking about what you said about that one time where there was no Kyungsoo,” Sehun starts with a whisper that Jongin strains to hear. Sehun looks around warily before continuing, “I think it might not have been a vision.”
Jongin looks at him weirdly. “What do you mean?”
“Do you remember what you felt when you woke up?” Sehun asks.
“I don’t know, it was some time ago,” Jongin tries to remember what it had felt like. He closes his eyes and shoots them open at once. “It felt like a nightmare. I think I remember shivering and sweating when I woke up.” He shivers again as he remembers.
“There you go.” Sehun points out. “It’s not a vision Jongin, it was a dream. Well technically, maybe a nightmare but still not a vision. Didn’t you say it yourself? That your dreams, tire you out like you’re living it? I think you are unconsciously mixing them with each other.”
There is a satisfied smile on Sehun’s face at being able to crack the mystery but Jongin continues to stare with doubt. Jongin smiles up at Sehun, deciding to go along with the explanation. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes but it’s good enough for Sehun. “Why do you do this?”
“Because I’m your best friend which mens that if you don’t understand yourself, then I will.” Sehun replies with a genuine smile. He pats Jongin’s shoulder and leaves Jongin’s table with his tray. Jongin watches as Sehun meets up with the senior, Lu Han. Jongin smiles because even though Jongin barely has time for anyone, Sehun still makes time for him, even if Sehun’s time is limited as well.
With a deep breath, and his bag heavy with books, Jongin decides to go back to the convenience store only because he’s going to buy himself something to snack on while he’s studying at home, not at the store. A part of him hopes he doesn’t meet Kyungsoo and another part of him hopes he does.
When he gets there, the cashier smiles at him like she’d missed him. She probably did because he was there almost every day for the past year. He returns it with a shy smile of his own and disappears among the shelves of junk food and biscuits, grabbing several boxes before going over to the counter to pay them. The cashier smiles at him again and it’s a little bit creepy but at the same time comforting. He smiles back at her and turns when the plastic bag is handed to him. When he turns around, he almost hits a person and said person almost falls to the ground. With his free hand, he grabs onto the person and finds himself staring straight into Kyungsoo’s eyes.
“Hey, it’s you.” Kyungsoo says as he regains his footing, a smile adorning his pale face and Jongin’s heart skips a beat.
“Excuse me?” Jongin replies because it felt like Kyungsoo just acknowledged him.
Kyungsoo flushes and Jongin resists the urge to smile at the sight.
“I mean, uhm, well I remember seeing you a lot whenever I went to the store, and I noticed how you weren’t here the past couple of days,” the blush on his cheeks darkens and Kyungsoo clears his throat, “wow I sound like I’m a stalker.”
He mumbles the words and Jongin almost coughs because if Kyungsoo is a stalker for noticing him then Jongin is so much worse. He clears his throat as Kyungsoo begins to mutter to himself, he could only catch words of ‘stupid’ ‘how could he say that’ and ‘that was so embarrassing’. Kyungsoo’s blush deepens and Jongin thinks he looks adorable like this.
“I’m Jongin,” he stretches out his hand with a smile and Jongin is a bit surprised he’s composed and he doesn’t utter the words ‘I love you’ (Sehun would be proud).
“Kyungsoo,” Kyungsoo returns the smile and shakes Jongin’s hand.
Jongin ends up staying a bit longer in the store chatting with Kyungsoo for a while and it’s weird how it feels like they’ve known each other. Well, Jongin practically does know Kyungsoo but Kyungsoo seems to feel at ease with him as well. He pretends not to know some of the details Kyungsoo shares and he’s glad his acting isn’t so bad.
The sun is already setting when they part ways and almost as if to ruin his day, Kyungsoo leaves the store with Joonmyun picking him up. Jongin tries to hide his displeasure, he does it well, too. When the two leave, with Joonmyun’s hand discreetly finding Kyungsoo’s, Jongin turns around and decides not to have his day ruined even more. Because today he did something right, today he finally talked to Do Kyungsoo and maybe today, things will go according to his visions.
His visions come back after that, sucking him right back in and he finds that he doesn’t mind. Because finally, he believes in Sehun, believes in his theories and so he will believe in his dreams and believe that one day they will come true.
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: D.O./Kai, D.O./Suho
Word Count: 24,013
Warnings: n/a
Summary: The future shows Jongin what he’s going to get. The present makes sure it will never happen.
Notes: Originally posted here for
sncj_bigbangSpanish translation by
nimsshiThe first time it happens, Jongin is five. For a moment, all he sees are wide eyes and pale skin. He closes his eyes in fear and when he opens them again, he’s back in his room, alone. Jongin is young then, unable to process the things that happen around him, or to him. In the end, he remembers nothing.
The second time it happens, Jongin is in his last year of Junior High. School has him knocked out cold, breathing hard and labored, and the next thing he knows, he is no longer in his room: no longer around his blue, Pororo bed sheets, no longer wearing junior high jogging pants. Instead his bed is covered in black and white sheets but as he looks around, he realizes it's still his room. He feels a bit panicky.
Maybe mom changed the sheets last night. Jongin tries to come up with an explanation, but he can’t bring himself to believe his own words. He finds himself walking to the bathroom, feet moving of their own accord, and, at first, he doesn't see anything weird but when he looks into the mirror it isn't him that's looking back at him.
He stumbles back, heart beating wildly, because the older boy looking back at him can't possibly be him. But it is.
Jongin touches his hair and the reflection does too. His hair is long, longer than the school's policy haircut, and he's taller and leaner than he can remember.
"Jongin!"
Jongin turns around and is surprised to see a boy whose skin is pale, so pale, with short hair and dark, wide eyes. His heart skips a beat.
"There you are! We're going to be late! Hurry up!"
The person's voice is deep and alluring, and Jongin reaches out to touch the person's cheek. The touch feels familiar, though he's certain he has never seen this person before. The boy stares at him, his eyes asking a silent question. Jongin doesn’t have any answers.
"You're warm." Jongin says, dumbly, as his palm rests on the boy's cheek. There is an odd sense of rightness in the feeling, in the warmth he is feeling.
The boy glares at him.
"Of course I'm warm. It means I'm alive, idiot." The boy shakes his hand away and tells him to finish getting ready so they can get going.
Jongin is a bit unsure with what exactly he is to do but, once again, his body seems to know what it’s doing. He takes a bath, picks some clothes, clothes Jongin doesn’t even remember owning, and walks out of the house with the boy. They walk to a nearby cafe where there are more people around his age, some faces are recognizable, faces that attend the Junior High that Jongin goes to, others he is seeing for the first time.
He finds himself understanding the conversations that take place, starting his own even, and telling stories from memories that he isn’t sure are actually his. There is an odd sense of detachment as he interacts, as if he's allowed to feel, see, hear all that goes around him but he can't control his actions, much less the flow of events.
The day passes by in a blur and Jongin finds himself back in the house, with the boy whose name he still doesn't know, another strange occurrence in the grand list of things.
"Hyung," he starts just to be safe because he can't exactly call the boy 'Hey' especially since he acts like he's older. The boy turns around, eyes wide, and his smile is probably splitting his face but Jongin’s heart feels warm, content.
"You called me hyung! You never call me hyung! Jongin–ah, are you okay?" His voice is deep and filled with laughter, urging Jongin to laugh along.
Jongin isn’t given enough time to explain his choice of words.
"So? Why call me hyung?" The boys smirks. "What is it that you want that you have to call me hyung and not the usual 'Kyungsoo yah'?"
Jongin doesn't really remember much after that.
The next thing he knows is he's back in his bedroom, not a minute has passed and the weekend has just rolled around. The day’s events seem like a faraway dream, fading away slowly as the day progresses but the boy’s name is embedded into his memory. Kyungsoo.
When the night comes, Jongin lies in his bed and closes his eyes. He imagines Kyungsoo standing in front of him and stretches his hand out in front of him. He touches nothing but air, but he can still feel the warmth of Kyungsoo's cheek against his palm.
The third time it happens, it's during Jongin’s summer break and the heat is making him a little dizzy. He turns on the air conditioner in his room, lying down as he sets it to the highest level, and closes his eyes.
When he opens them, he finds himself in a classroom. He watches Sehun, his best friend, walk towards him the minute their teacher dismisses the class. Jongin’s eye twitches when he notices that Sehun is wearing the uniform of a school they don't go to.
"Hey, we should go meet the hyungs for lunch," Sehun says and Jongin feels himself nod and pack his things immediately.
They stop by the restroom first and Jongin catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He's wearing the same uniform as Sehun and it's a high school uniform. The uniform of a school whose acceptance he turned down along with Sehun just few weeks ago. He gapes at his reflection. The outside of his shirt pocket reads ‘Year 1’ and Jongin doesn't know what to make of it because he's still in Junior High and he won't even be going to this school.
"Jongin ah, let's go." Sehun rouses him from his thoughts and they walk out of the restroom. Jongin's head is filled with so many questions. He doesn't understand what this is supposed to mean.
They manage to make small talk as they continue to walk which surprises him because he doesn’t even know what they are talking about, but Sehun doesn’t show any signs of suspicion.
When they reach the field, he sees the same people from a memory he's slightly forgotten. It feels weird because he can’t remember the faces of those who didn’t attend his Junior High, but looking at them now, he knows it's them, that they’re his friends.
"Sehun ah, Jongin ah! What took you guys so long? We were hungry!" A tall guy with short black hair says and his voice is so deep that it takes Jongin by surprise. He doesn't expect it but, at the same time, he does. Jongin vaguely registers the name 'Chanyeol'.
"Yah, Chanyeol–ah! We told you we could eat, don't blame the freshmen for your hunger issues." A short boy says as he slaps Chanyeol on the head. The name 'Baekhyun' enters Jongin’s mind.
"Stop it, you two." Another short boy says, with hair a bit longer and shining crimson red under the sun. Baekhyun and Chanyeol have the decency to break apart their almost-brawl. Jongin looks at the boy who last spoke and he finds himself saying and smiling, "Hey, Joonmyun–hyung."
He and Sehun sit down then, and that's when they notice another presence behind Joonmyun.
"Jongin ah, Sehun ah, meet Kyungsoo, he's my..." Jongin doesn't hear anything past that because all of a sudden Kyungsoo is there smiling at him. His eyes are wide but they crinkle as he smiles, his skin is still as pale as he remembers and his heart begins to beat radically.
"Nice to meet you."
Kyungsoo bows and stretches out his hand. When Jongin shakes it, his breath hitches and his heart is beating so loud now that it’s all he can hear.
He bolts upright and finds himself in his room. The air condition has cooled his room to a comfortable temperature but he's sweating. He checks the time and realizes not much has passed. Wiping his forehead with his hand, he lies back down trying to cool himself. He takes deep breaths and tries to recollect his thoughts.
He doesn't understand the meaning of those dreams, if that is what they are: dreams.
Jongin looks at his hand and remembers the warmth of Kyungsoo's hand in his and the electricity that coursed through his entire body. He doesn't understand it, there’s no way he could, but he knows one thing's for sure: all of it comes back to Kyungsoo.
He falls back asleep that afternoon and doesn't dream.
When he wakes up, he can barely remember the dream he had of Kyungsoo. He can't remember details, can’t remember the other faces. All he remembers is Kyungsoo and his smile and the warmth of Kyungsoo’s hand in his.
The next time it happens, Jongin closes his eyes to blink and when he opens them he's back to where Kyungsoo exists. He looks around, searching for him and his eyes focus in on the huge graduation banner that hangs in front of the stage. The audience is clapping at something the announcer has just said.
"Jongin, the principal called your name." Jongin looks to his back and sees Sehun there, still in that high school uniform he wore from last time. He feels himself nod and stand up to approach the stage. The principal shakes his hand while his parents give him his medals. He gets called on stage a number of times after that. He receives several honors ranging from best in Math to being at the top of his batch for that school year. All five of his medals are gold.
He realizes that on his school uniform's pocket patch are the words 'Year 3'. He doesn't have much time to ponder on it because the senior class is being called on stage now.
"Do Kyungsoo."
And Jongin feels like all the breath has been knocked out of his lungs as he sees Kyungsoo walk up the stage in his toga accepting the diploma with his parents and then bowing. Kyungsoo gets called up the stage a few more times for a few special awards. A silver medal for placing second in a contest, a gold medal for being best in English, and another silver for being the batch's salutatorian.
Sehun and Jongin agree to congratulate their seniors for graduating. Jongin's heart is on overdrive, pounding like there's no tomorrow, as he looks for Kyungsoo in the crowd. And Kyungsoo stands there, smiling up at him with those eyes of his, the way in which Jongin’s heart feels like it’s drowning.
"Jongin," Kyungsoo starts. "Congratulations on all your awards." He says excitedly and Jongin feels a blush decorate his cheeks. He palms his nape in embarrassment.
"Thanks hyung." He smiles sheepishly as Kyungsoo walks forward.
"Well?" Kyungsoo smirks at him and Jongin laughs and he doesn't know why but it feels right to laugh. He leans forward with a small smile on his face, eyes staring into Kyungsoo’s.
"Congratulations as well hyung." He whispers because his face is only centimeters apart from Kyungsoo's and Kyungsoo is closing his eyes so he does, too.
There is a second of hesitation but then he feels his lips touch something soft and he knows it's Kyungsoo's lips on his. He caresses Kyungsoo's cheek to deepen and prolong the kiss for a little while. The warmth on his hand and on his lips is so real that he knows he isn't dreaming but when he pulls away and opens his eyes, there is no Kyungsoo in front of him.
He doesn't forget anything from that dream. He remembers everything, the kiss and the warmth embedded into his lips, hand and heart.
He stops counting after that.
Jongin doesn’t want to think of himself as crazy but the dreams, if he can still call them that, are getting even worse. They’re appearing sporadically now, and their frequency frustrates him to no end. One minute, he’s having dinner with his family and the next, he’s sitting next to Kyungsoo.
He vaguely considers telling his mom because mothers are usually supposed to know things, but he shakes his head and turns down the idea. His mother’s best may entail a session with a psychiatrist. He doesn’t really like the idea of spilling his heart out to a shrink who may just convince his parents he’s crazy, which he’s sure he’s not. Maybe.
Jongin needs to tell someone what's going on with him. He needs someone to tell him that he isn't going crazy. He contemplates about telling his best friend but he knows Sehun will just be like his mother. He thinks about calling Sehun and just going with it but realizes he doesn't exactly have the right words to say to his best friend, he doesn't even know where to start. He holds and stares at his phone one last time before tossing it on his bed and walking towards his desk.
On his desk are two letters from two different schools. He takes the one on the right and he thumbs the embossed seal of the school.
"SM Academy," he reads aloud and skims the words that are already printed on this brain.
We are pleased to tell you...
100% scholarship
Congratulations!
Principal,
Lee Soo Man
He puts the paper down and grabs the other one on the left. It looks like an invitation instead of an acceptance letter.
The header of the letter reads 'School of Performing Arts'. The letter is different from the other in more ways than one. This letter just screams of art and talent.
Congratulations, Mr. Kim Jongin!
100% scholarship
See you next school year!
He puts the letter down and looks around for his phone, picking it up and dialing Sehun’s number the next second.
"Hello? Jongin?"
"Sehun," Jongin doesn't mean to sound desperate. He sighs, "do you think I made the right decision, picking SOPA over SMA?"
Sehun laughs on the other line like Jongin's question is one of the stupidest things he's heard.
"Look Jongin, even if you were to regret it now, there's nothing you can do about it. You've already sent SMA your letter of declination."
"I know." He combs his hand through his hair in frustration. "I know that but–"
"But what? Weren't you the one that told me SOPA was for you? That SOPA would give you what SMA couldn't offer? That SOPA would make you the dancer you wanted to be?"
For a moment, Jongin closes his eyes and he imagines himself wearing a blue blazer, the pocket having the logo of SMA, beside him stands another boy with wide eyes. They're holding hands.
He opens his eyes shocked, unable to form words.
"Jongin? Jongin, are you still there?"
"Yeah," he replies, voice a little shaky. "Yeah, I'm still here."
He hears Sehun sigh from the other line. "Look, if you ever have doubts again, think of it like this. What do you want? You want to be a dancer, right? Will SMA make your dreams come true or SOPA? It's all about what you want Jongin. And you want to be a dancer. SOPA will make you a dancer."
When Sehun finishes, Jongin feels like his heart is being torn in two. There is this feeling like this isn't right, as if he isn't meant to be a dancer.
"Thanks Sehun." He manages to sigh.
He barely registers what Sehun replies to him.
Jongin packs his things as soon as the call ends, puts extra clothes in a bag and walks out of his house and dashes for the dance studio where he takes his lessons. He needs to remind himself what his priorities are. He needs to remember what it feels like to dance and how right it is for him.
When the music starts, Jongin lets himself be taken over by the music. He lets the music set his mood and then he begins to move his arms and legs to the music. He closes his eyes so he doesn't have to see his pitiful reflection: a boy who doesn't know what he wants or what he needs.
He dances until he can barely move and he ends with a flop to the ground, panting like there's no tomorrow. The feeling of wrongness has gone but somehow it is replaced by nothing. He doesn't feel right. He feels stuck in limbo, as if there's no choice to be made because both choices are correct.
A chuckle escapes his lips at his analogy.
"I'm going to SOPA. I'm going to be a dancer. Who cares about SMA and Kyungsoo?" He whispers to himself.
After all, he is sure, mostly, that Kyungsoo is just a figment of his imagination. He closes his eyes and he sees himself wearing his yellow blazer from SOPA and he's smiling at someone, but that someone has his back to him. He wishes for the person to turn just so he can see his face. He has this feeling like he knows who this person is. Maybe it's Kyungsoo.
The boy turns slightly, as if someone called his name. Jongin doesn't know for sure but before he can fully see the face of the boy his eyes have opened.
He groans.
Another dream. Dream? Can he still call it a dream?
Vision.
Another vision.
That sounds a little better, he thinks.
As soon as his break ends, Jongin tries his best to forget about Kyungsoo, which is hard, very hard, because ever since he made up his mind to go to SOPA, his visions have increased.
He no longer finds himself spending time with Kyungsoo in the yard of what he assumed to be SMA but he finds himself sneaking glances of Kyungsoo from a convenience store. Sometimes he finds himself talking to Kyungsoo, more mature and their discussions a little deeper.
Sometimes he finds himself looking in the mirror eye to eye with Kyungsoo as he watches him dance. This vision occurs frequently but he knows they're not the same, they're from different times. Sometimes he sees himself older, more tired if the weariness in his eyes are any indication, and wonders if he’s seeing the future. Other times, he sees the Jongin he knows he is, young and next to Kyungsoo.
Jongin fixes his yellow blazer, dusting off any invisible dirt.
Today is his first day of school.
He somewhat manages to convince himself that Kyungsoo doesn’t exist, that he really is, and will be, just a figment of his imagination. He shouldn't be so scared, Jongin tells himself, at the idea of never meeting Kyungsoo again.
"Kyungsoo doesn't exist." He repeats to his reflection and grabs his backpack.
He never believes it. He can't believe it. Because somehow, somewhere he knows Kyungsoo exists.
Jongin makes it a point to study so hard all he thinks about is Math, English and Science. When he isn't studying, Jongin makes it a point to dance his anxiety away. It's not because he's determined to graduate as the valedictorian--contrary to his parents’ belief--or even to be able to become eligible for a dancing scholarship early on in his high school career--contrary to what Sehun thinks. The answer is quite simple, really.
It's not that Jongin doesn't want to graduate at the top of his class because he does, but he doesn't really need to overwork himself to this point. It is because when he is studying and dancing, he doesn't have to feel this longing for something he can't have. This way, he can't feel this desire for someone he doesn't know, he can't feel anything but the emotions the music makes him feel. This way he can avoid a certain wide eyed boy who still plagues him in his visions.
Jongin considers telling Sehun. He feels like he’s going to lose it if he doesn’t talk to someone about it, if he doesn’t have someone else’s opinion.
He’s at a convenience store close to school with Sehun when he’s mulling over this thought, picking some junk food he’d like to eat while he studies for a quiz later that night. His hand reaches out to the last Pocky box on the shelf and he thinks he’s been through something like this.
He has done this before.
When his hands close in on the box, another hand clamps over his and he’s surprised at how familiar the touch is. His eyes trail up the hand and his breath catches in his throat when he looks at the face right next to his.
There, right in front of Jongin, is Do Kyungsoo, all wide eyes and fair skin. Their hands are still touching.
“I’m sorry.” Jongin says with a cough and he quickly adds, “You can have it.”
“Excuse me?” Kyungsoo says surprised by Jongin’s kindness and Jongin gulps and closes his eyes briefly to regain composure because Kyungsoo is right in front of him but how can this be?
“You can have it.” Jongin hands Kyungsoo the Pocky and turns away so quickly he nearly gives himself a headache.
“Kyungsoo.” Jongin whispers, his heart is hammering in his chest and he can’t breathe.
“Jongin! There you are! Hurry up!” Sehun wraps an arm over his shoulders and guides him to the counter. Jongin is too distracted as he looks at his hand where Kyungsoo’s hand landed. The warmth feels so familiar but he’s sure he’s never held Kyungsoo’s hand before.
Not to mention, he’s sure he’d convinced himself Kyungsoo wasn’t real.
“Good night.” Jongin says to Sehun when they’ve already settled, in the bed for Jongin and the sleeping bag on the floor for Sehun.
“Are you okay, Jongin ah?” Sehun asks softly. Jongin is a bit taken aback by the question but replies with a soft yes.
“Don’t lie to me. I’ve noticed how much you’ve changed since summer ended. You’re distracted even when you’re either studying or dancing. I know there’s something wrong and we’ve been friends for a really long time, so tell me Jongin, what’s wrong with you?” Sehun shifts so he can look at Jongin’s form on his bed. Jongin turns to face Sehun, too. He sighs. He wanted to tell Sehun anyways, maybe now would be the perfect time.
“You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone, not my parents or your parents or even that junior, what was his name again?” Jongin begins.
“Lu Han hyung?”
“Yeah him. And you have to promise not to judge me. that you won’t stop being my friend.” Jongin says a bit tentative. He’s really going to do it. Sehun nods a bit warily. Jongin takes a deep breath and tells Sehun all the things he’s been dying to say. From how his dreams started, how they turned into visions when he blinked from time to time to how they turned into alternate/possible realities when he dreamed. He ends with meeting Kyungsoo at the store that day.
Sehun is quiet throughout the whole thing. He looks deep in thought but Jongin isn’t quite sure. Sehun always looks deep in thought to be honest.
“You know what I think?" Sehun begins after a period of silence. "Maybe you’re seeing the future.” Sehun shares and Jongin nods slowly. He’s thought of that to but never really considered it. How can one see the future?
“Why don’t you sleep and when you dream of a vision, tell me what happens and I’ll help you theorize what exactly may be going on with you?” Sehun suggests and Jongin is too tired to even retaliate. It’s not like he minds, on the contrary, he actually likes the idea. But that night he doesn't dream, no visions, no alternate or possible realities, no Kyungsoo. Just a dreamless sleep he's been dying to have.
When he wakes up, he feels well rested and it’s odd, because he wants to see Kyungsoo.
"Sometimes when I blink, I get visions.” Jongin explains later that day, “the visions are just visions, like something I see while my eyes are closed. I don't know what is the trigger but sometimes I get them, sometimes I don't. The dreams are a bit more complicated. The visions are just me seeing things, sure I feel and hear things as well but it's still detached, like I'm just an observer of sorts. The dreams, however, are as if I'm living that life. I'm not just seeing or touching. I'm living it."
"That sounded so emotionally draining,” Sehun says, nodding as he takes it all in. “No wonder you look tired recently."
Jongin bites back the I am tired because I avoid sleeping that rests on the tip of his tongue.
"You have no idea." Jongin says instead. He doesn't tell Sehun that he's feeling better and well-rested because he didn't dream last night. He doesn’t tell Sehun that the wish to see Kyungsoo is burning him inside out.
"Now that you've actually seen Kyungsoo, do you think you are finally in love with him?" Sehun shouts, when Jongin is taking a shower and Jongin pretends he doesn't hear it because he doesn't want to answer, but the words slip past his lips anyway, voice barely over a whisper as he voices his emotions. "I already was. Ever since the first dream."
Maybe Sehun knows, Jongin thinks.
He looks at his hand again, the one that touched Kyungsoo’s and, had once cupped Kyungsoo's cheek in a dream that seems so faint that Jongin isn’t sure if he’s made it up. He brings it to his own cheek. The cold shower makes it hard but he still feels the warmth, he still feels it. It's a supernatural warmth that seems to be born out of dreams and visions but he likes how weird it is. Likes how no matter how many times he convinces himself that Kyungsoo isn't real, the warmth on his hand is enough to change his mind.
"I have always loved him."
Jongin doesn’t tell Sehun that he’s in love with Kyungsoo, not because he doesn’t want to but because Sehun already knows. Sehun plays his part as Jongin’s best friend dutifully, offering him advices and ideas that have never crossed Jongin’s mind.
Sehun was the one who had suggested that they stake out at the convenience store where he’d first met Kyungsoo and wait for him to appear. Maybe start a conversation. It seemed like a good idea, but then Jongin was unable to say anything that isn’t an ‘I love you,’ so in the end, they ended up watching Kyungsoo walk in and out of the door.
Sehun stops accompanying him after a while but Jongin still goes, alone. He goes and holds his breath every time Kyungsoo enters the store with that small smile. He ignores the wave of nostalgia that hits him every time the door closes, ignores the feeling of having been here before and done all of this.
In turn, his visions get more complicated. Sometimes he sees Kyungsoo and he thinks they’re a lot older than they are now and they’re eating, holding hands and kissing. Sometimes they’re at this convenience store and he thinks they’re in college and they’re buying Pocky and their fingers lightly touch and the back of their hands brush against each other. There is also that one time where there is no Kyungsoo, a time where it’s just Jongin dancing on a stage and when he finishes there is no one in the audience to applaud.
Sophomore year has just started when Jongin decides to tell Sehun about his new predicament. “I don’t understand.” He starts as they sit by the windows of the convenience store. It’s one of those times Jongin’s managed to drag Sehun to the store. Sehun tries not to roll his eyes as he pulls his chopsticks apart at Jongin’s words. He lets Jongin speak.
“I don’t know why they’re like that all of a sudden. It’s confusing me!” Jongin whispers ignoring the way Sehun doesn’t take a whole lot of interest in their topic. When Sehun is sure Jongin won’t be saying anything anymore, he mixes his instant noodles and faces Jongin with a serious look in his eyes, saying, “Maybe you’re finally seeing alternate possibilities. Like I said, if it’s the future you’re seeing, then it can change, right? Maybe it changes every time you let Kyungsoo walk out of the store.”
Jongin eyes Sehun before slowly nodding in understanding. He turns to his can of coke and decides he would rather eat something with that. He stands up and turns as he hears the door of the store open, his mind too busy thinking of a future with Kyungsoo, thinking of the possible futures with Kyungsoo and that one time where there was no Kyungsoo and what it means. He absentmindedly grabs onto the box of Pocky and he feels a jolt of electricity run through the tips of his fingers to his arms and all the way to his heart. He looks up in surprise and finds himself face to face with Kyungsoo.
“Kyungsoo,” Jongin whispers but Kyungsoo must’ve heard because he looks startled.
“Kyungsoo,” someone else calls out, someone who looks a little too familiar to Jongin. Kyungsoo turns around to look at the new presence, hand leaving Jongin’s as he does so.
“Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo says and there’s something about the way these two look that makes Jongin turn around on his heels, grab Sehun and run out of the store.
“Kyungsoo was with someone else,” Jongin says tentatively once they have slowed down.
Sehun looks at him sympathetically.
Jongin spends the rest of his days dancing and studying, and shamefully, spying. He brings his books to the store now, doesn’t matter if Sehun’s not with him, and watches Kyungsoo. Sometimes, Joonmyun is there too.
Jongin has been coming for almost a year now, hurting more every time as he watches Kyungsoo and Joonmyun look at each other, at the way they stand too close sometimes, and at the way their hands brush lightly against each other’s. The thing that hurts the most, though, is the way Kyungsoo blushes, flustered and red like he’s a little in love.
Maybe he is, Jongin thinks, even when he is supposed to be his.
He closes his book loudly in the all quiet store and stuffs his belongings in his bag just as he sees Kyungsoo and Joonmyun walk in, hands holding onto each other’s. Jongin thinks this is too much, even for him, and settles for walking out, shoulder hitting painfully against Kyungsoo’s and he doesn’t apologize as he tries to breathe and walk calmly ahead. He doesn’t turn around, doesn’t look back and just keeps walking and pretends that everything is fine, everything will be fine.
He doesn’t think about how he’s had visions of this time, how he’d seen Kyungsoo do those things with him and not Joonmyun, how in his visions they’d done the same thing and maybe it had been around the same time. He ignores his heart and when he gets home, for the first time, he plops himself on his bed and just shuts down.
Jongin wakes up to someone kissing him on the lips.
His eyes flutter open to find Kyungsoo smiling widely at him. There are small lines present in the sides of Kyungsoo’s eyes as they turn into crescents, lines that tell Jongin that Kyungsoo is older than the last time he saw him. Jongin caresses his soft cheek and brings Kyungsoo’s face closer once more and kisses him.
In his dreams is where he can have Kyungsoo.
The days roll by and Jongin decides to stop visiting the convenience store for a while.
In turn he doesn’t see Kyungsoo behind closed lids anymore. The visions still appear when he blinks but disappear almost instantly. He doesn’t know what the change means but accepts it without a question, a part of him glad that he doesn’t have to see Kyungsoo and think of how he will never have him., a part of him is glad he’s getting a good night’s sleep again.
“Hey,” Sehun greets as he sits down in front of Jongin in the cafeteria, the buzz of the students drowning out his voice a little but Jongin hears him even though he doesn’t want to acknowledge his presence. Sehun sighs as he puts his tray down. “Look, stop being so sulky. It’s not the end of the world. You’re just in your second year, maybe Kyungsoo will fall in love with you next year.” Jongin doesn’t tell him how he’s had visions where he’s sure he was a sophomore and Kyungsoo was in them, talking to him like they were old friends.
Jongin looks up and gives Sehun a halfhearted smile, the best he can muster as of now. “Thanks.” He whispers as he forks his food in his mouth. He sighs.
“Look, I was thinking about what you said about that one time where there was no Kyungsoo,” Sehun starts with a whisper that Jongin strains to hear. Sehun looks around warily before continuing, “I think it might not have been a vision.”
Jongin looks at him weirdly. “What do you mean?”
“Do you remember what you felt when you woke up?” Sehun asks.
“I don’t know, it was some time ago,” Jongin tries to remember what it had felt like. He closes his eyes and shoots them open at once. “It felt like a nightmare. I think I remember shivering and sweating when I woke up.” He shivers again as he remembers.
“There you go.” Sehun points out. “It’s not a vision Jongin, it was a dream. Well technically, maybe a nightmare but still not a vision. Didn’t you say it yourself? That your dreams, tire you out like you’re living it? I think you are unconsciously mixing them with each other.”
There is a satisfied smile on Sehun’s face at being able to crack the mystery but Jongin continues to stare with doubt. Jongin smiles up at Sehun, deciding to go along with the explanation. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes but it’s good enough for Sehun. “Why do you do this?”
“Because I’m your best friend which mens that if you don’t understand yourself, then I will.” Sehun replies with a genuine smile. He pats Jongin’s shoulder and leaves Jongin’s table with his tray. Jongin watches as Sehun meets up with the senior, Lu Han. Jongin smiles because even though Jongin barely has time for anyone, Sehun still makes time for him, even if Sehun’s time is limited as well.
With a deep breath, and his bag heavy with books, Jongin decides to go back to the convenience store only because he’s going to buy himself something to snack on while he’s studying at home, not at the store. A part of him hopes he doesn’t meet Kyungsoo and another part of him hopes he does.
When he gets there, the cashier smiles at him like she’d missed him. She probably did because he was there almost every day for the past year. He returns it with a shy smile of his own and disappears among the shelves of junk food and biscuits, grabbing several boxes before going over to the counter to pay them. The cashier smiles at him again and it’s a little bit creepy but at the same time comforting. He smiles back at her and turns when the plastic bag is handed to him. When he turns around, he almost hits a person and said person almost falls to the ground. With his free hand, he grabs onto the person and finds himself staring straight into Kyungsoo’s eyes.
“Hey, it’s you.” Kyungsoo says as he regains his footing, a smile adorning his pale face and Jongin’s heart skips a beat.
“Excuse me?” Jongin replies because it felt like Kyungsoo just acknowledged him.
Kyungsoo flushes and Jongin resists the urge to smile at the sight.
“I mean, uhm, well I remember seeing you a lot whenever I went to the store, and I noticed how you weren’t here the past couple of days,” the blush on his cheeks darkens and Kyungsoo clears his throat, “wow I sound like I’m a stalker.”
He mumbles the words and Jongin almost coughs because if Kyungsoo is a stalker for noticing him then Jongin is so much worse. He clears his throat as Kyungsoo begins to mutter to himself, he could only catch words of ‘stupid’ ‘how could he say that’ and ‘that was so embarrassing’. Kyungsoo’s blush deepens and Jongin thinks he looks adorable like this.
“I’m Jongin,” he stretches out his hand with a smile and Jongin is a bit surprised he’s composed and he doesn’t utter the words ‘I love you’ (Sehun would be proud).
“Kyungsoo,” Kyungsoo returns the smile and shakes Jongin’s hand.
Jongin ends up staying a bit longer in the store chatting with Kyungsoo for a while and it’s weird how it feels like they’ve known each other. Well, Jongin practically does know Kyungsoo but Kyungsoo seems to feel at ease with him as well. He pretends not to know some of the details Kyungsoo shares and he’s glad his acting isn’t so bad.
The sun is already setting when they part ways and almost as if to ruin his day, Kyungsoo leaves the store with Joonmyun picking him up. Jongin tries to hide his displeasure, he does it well, too. When the two leave, with Joonmyun’s hand discreetly finding Kyungsoo’s, Jongin turns around and decides not to have his day ruined even more. Because today he did something right, today he finally talked to Do Kyungsoo and maybe today, things will go according to his visions.
His visions come back after that, sucking him right back in and he finds that he doesn’t mind. Because finally, he believes in Sehun, believes in his theories and so he will believe in his dreams and believe that one day they will come true.
one / two